Mr. Johnson boarded his flight to New York City and approached the aisle seat he had booked.

To his surprise, a blonde woman was already sitting there.

“Excuse me,” Mr. Johnson said, trying to stay calm. “That’s my seat. I specifically booked it.”

The woman looked up and said confidently, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in New York City.”

Frustrated, Mr. Johnson checked her ticket. It clearly showed she was assigned to the middle seat.

“Your ticket says you’re supposed to sit in the middle,” he said, pointing to her ticket. “I booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five, and I need the extra space. You’re, what, five-foot-one? You’ll be fine in the middle seat.”

The blonde, unfazed, repeated, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in New York City.”

The woman in the window seat chimed in, “You should listen to him. My ex was tall—only six-foot-one—and he always needed the aisle seat to avoid feeling cramped.”

Still, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in New York City.”

At his wit’s end, Mr. Johnson called over a flight attendant. He explained the situation, and the attendant nodded before leaning down to whisper something in the blonde’s ear.

Suddenly, the blonde’s expression changed. Without a word, she moved to the middle seat.

Relieved, Mr. Johnson sat down in the aisle seat.

After the plane landed in New York, his curiosity got the better of him. He approached the flight attendant and asked, “What did you say to her?”

The attendant smiled. “I told her the aisle seat wasn’t going to New York City.”

A blonde walks into the police department.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask him a few questions.

Officer: What’s 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm… 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who k-i.ll3d Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm… I don’t know

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde comes home and calls one of her friends who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says enthusiastically: “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

LOL!!

A blonde goes into a Best Buy.

A blonde walks into a Best Buy.

She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says he doesn’t serve blondes, so she returns home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk says he doesn’t serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, “How do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV – it’s a microwave.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!! 

A Polish man married an American woman, and even though his English wasn’t perfect, they got along just fine.

One day, he bursts into a lawyer’s office, looking panicked.

Man: “I need a divorce! Please help!”

Lawyer: “A divorce? Well, that depends on your situation. Do you have any grounds?”

Man: “Yes, yes! One acre and a nice little house.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean—what’s the foundation of your case?”

Man: “Oh! Made of concrete.”

Lawyer: “Sir, do you and your wife have a grudge?”

Man: “No need! We have a carport!”

Lawyer: “Let’s try again… what are your relations like?”

Man: “All still in Poland.”

Lawyer: “Sir, has there been any infidelity in your marriage?”

Man: “Oh yes! We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”

Lawyer: “No, I mean… does your wife ever beat you up?”

Man: “No, no, I wake up before her every day!”

Lawyer: Getting frustrated. “Then why do you want a divorce?”

Man: “Because she tries to k-i.l.l me!”

Lawyer: “What?! What makes you think that?”

Man: “I have proof! She buys a bottle at the drugstore… puts it  in the bathroom!”

Lawyer: “And what did the bottle say?”

Man: “Right on label… ‘Regular Polish Remover!’”

A couple eats at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”

A couple eats at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.”

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the pot’s lid rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.

He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter over, describes what is happening, and demands an explanation!

“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”

“Ah… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck.”

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.

Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged,

So he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.

Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:

“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”

Dave then got down on bended knee.

“Honey,” he said,

“Will you buy me a new computer?”

A blonde buys two horses and can’t tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what she should do.

He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does.

But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can’t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time.

He tells her to cut one of the horse’s ears.

So she does.

But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do.

He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”

A blonde walks by a travel agency.

A blonde walks past a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special – $99!”

She walks in, puts her money on the counter, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.”

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde walks by a few minutes later sees the sign, walks in, puts her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special.

She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into the stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?”

The second blonde replies, ” They didn’t last year.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.

The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.

The third one says, “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.

As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,

“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”

A blonde buys two horses and can’t tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what she should do.

He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does.

But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can’t tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time.

He tells her to cut one of the horse’s ears.

So she does.

But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do.

He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”

A blonde walks by a travel agency.

A blonde walks past a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special – $99!”

She walks in, puts her money on the counter, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.”

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde walks by a few minutes later sees the sign, walks in, puts her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special.

She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into the stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.

They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?”

The second blonde replies, ” They didn’t last year.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”

Inspector: “What is her height?”

Husband: “I never checked.”

Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”

Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”

Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”

Husband: “Never noticed.”

Inspector: Colour of hair?”

Husband: “It changes according to season.”

Inspector: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”

Inspector: “Was she driving?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”

Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode.

It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions.

It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”

Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica, “What part of the human body increases to ten times its normal size when excited?”

“That’s disgusting!” Jessica responds. “I don’t have to answer that question!”

So the teacher asks Jamie, who responds: “That’s easy… the pupil of the eye.”

“That’s correct, Jamie. Very good!” The teacher says.

Then turning to Jessica, she announces: “I have three things to say to you, young lady… First, you didn’t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you’re in for a big disappointment!”

2 elderly women meet up again for the first time at their 60th high school reunion.

They’re talking and catching each other up in their lives since leaving high school.

One tells the other she’s been married 4 times.

“4 times, you’ve had 4 husbands!”

“Yes. My 1st husband was a banker, my 2nd husband was an actor, after that was a rabbi, and my current husband is an undertaker.”

“That’s really weird you went for such a strange variety of men. Why did you marry them?”

“I had a purpose for that… 1 for the money 2 for the show 3 to get ready And 4 to go”

There was a little old lady who was very spiritual,

Who would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell

“Praise the Lord!”

One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady.

So after a month or so of her yelling “Praise the Lord” from her porch,

The neighbour went outside on his porch and yelled back,

“There is no Lord!”

Yet, the little old lady continued.

One cold, wintery day, when the little old lady couldn’t get to the store due to snowfall, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said,

“Help me Lord, I have no more money, it’s cold, and I have no more food.”

The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week.

“Praise the Lord! ” she yelled.

The atheist stepped out from the bushes and said,

“Haha! There is no Lord, I bought those groceries for you!”

The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and yelled,

“Praise the Lord, you sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for them!”

A blind man enters a restaurant and sits down.

The owner, who is also the waiter, hands him a menu. The man responds, “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”

The owner, puzzled, brings him a greasy fork from the dirty dish pile. The blind man sniffs it and says,

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

The owner is astonished and tells his wife, the cook, about the incident.

A few days later, the blind man returns. The owner again mistakenly hands him a menu.

The blind man reminds him, “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” The owner apologizes and fetches another dirty fork. After sniffing, the man orders, “That smells great. I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” The owner, still in disbelief, decides to test him next time.

The following week, the blind man returns.

This time, the owner quickly goes to the kitchen and tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies. The owner gives the fork to the blind man, who sniffs it and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave’s house and said,

“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse d!ed”

Dave replied, “Well, then just give me my money back”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already”

Dave said, “Ok, then, just bring me the d_ead horse”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Dave said, “I’m going to raffle him off”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a d_ead horse!”

Dave said, “Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s d_ead”

A month later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked,

“What happened with that d_ead horse?”

Dave said,

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars apiece and made a profit of $2495”

The farmer said,

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

Dave said,

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

There once was a blind old man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,

“Wow, these seats are big!”

“Everything is big in Texas.”, the person next to him answered.

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.

Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.

He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”

“Everything is big in Texas.”, the bartender replied.

After a couple of beers, the blind old man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied,

“Second door to the right.”

The old man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door.

Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to d*ath, the blind old man started shouting…

“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Poor Old fool” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub.

So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked,

“So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied,

“You’re the eighth.”

These two elderly people were living in a Florida mobile home park.

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known one another for several years.

One evening, there was a community supper in the large activity center.

These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.

“Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled.

“Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall.

Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

LOL!! SO CUTE!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

75-year-old Marvin arrives at work

One morning, seventy-five-year-old Marvin arrives at work and is promptly reminded by his secretary that today is his wife’s birthday.

At lunch, he heads to the mall in search of the perfect gift. But as he browses, he realizes that after all these years, his wife has everything she could possibly need. Just as he’s about to give up, he passes a lingerie store and has an idea—his wife has never owned anything like this before!

Determined to make her feel young and beautiful, Marvin walks in and tells the sales clerk, “Give me the most expensive, sheerest negligee you’ve got—and wrap it up fancy.”

With his exciting purchase in hand, Marvin rushes home. Finding his wife in the kitchen, he hands her the package and says, “Go upstairs, unwrap this, and put it on. I’ll wait down here.”

His wife, touched by the gesture, takes the gift and heads to the bedroom. When she opens the box, she’s surprised—it’s so sheer it’s practically invisible! She thinks for a moment, then decides to really surprise Marvin. Why bother with the negligee at all? She leaves it on the bed and confidently walks downstairs stark n.a.k3d.

“Marvin,” she calls out, “come to the hallway and take a look!”

Marvin steps out, looks up at his wife standing at the top of the stairs, and gasps. Then he shakes his head and mutters, “All that money… and they didn’t even iron it.”

LOL!!