Author: news

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something special.”

Cabbie: There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew everything about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me; I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile!! Have a nice day!!

A Man and a Cab Driver

A man was heading home from work.

Unfortunately, the bus was canceled so he had to call a cab.

While in the cab, he noticed that the driver was missing a turn at an intersection.

The man gently tapped the driver on his shoulder and said, “Sorry Sir, but…”

The cab driver shouted: “AAAAAAHHHH!” and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant, and stopped just 1 foot from a department store shop window.

For a full 3 seconds, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said, “Look, never do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I had no idea that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For 25 years I have been driving a hearse!”

No wonder he was surprised!

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Billy Bob tried to sell his old truck.

He was having a lot of problems selling it because the truck had 250,000 miles on the odometer.

One day, he told his problem to a friend he worked with at Walmart.

His friend told him, “There is a possibility to make the truck easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied Billy Bob. “I really need to sell the truck.”

“Okay,” said Billy Bob’s friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer in your truck back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell it anymore.”

The following weekend, Billy Bob made the trip to the mechanic.

Two weeks later, the friend asked Billy Bob, “Did you sell your truck?”

“No,” replied Billy Bob, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The truck driver simply ignores them, the light changes and he walks down the street.

At the next traffic light, the blonde catches up and says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load.”

He ignores her again and walks down the street.

At the next red light, the blonde takes a breath, knocks on the window, and says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, “Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s snowing, and I’m driving a salt truck.”

If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water, and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband wake with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……………….…..”

Husband ask wife how many men she had been with

A newly married couple is lying in bed and the husband curiously asks his wife how many men she has been with.

Despite his question, the woman remains silent and looks at the ceiling.

Pressing the matter, the husband asks again, assuring her, “Just share it with me, it’s okay. How many men have you been with?”

Still met with silence, the wife’s eyes remain fixed above.

Realizing that his words may have caused discomfort, the husband apologizes: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could have an open and trusting relationship…”

However, his wife remains silent.

Feeling a sense of defeat, the husband concedes, saying, “That’s alright, please don’t be upset.”

Despite his attempts to comfort her, the woman does not respond.

The husband determined to bridge the gap, begins to hold her closely, showering her with hugs and kisses as a display of his affection.

In this moment of intimacy, the wife appears to snap out of her silence.

She redirects her gaze from the ceiling to her husband, her expression now one of frustration.

With a hint of exasperation, she blurts out, “Oh, come on! You’ve made me lose count!”

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.

The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with ra.pe,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true… but you have all the equipment!”

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.

His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.

After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breath under water?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

A man was fishing in the jungle.

After a while another angler came to join him.

“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.

“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”

A middle-aged woman has a heart a.ttack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she has a near-d.eath experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is k. lled by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”

“Oh, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”

A man named Jack strides into John’s Stable looking to buy a horse.

“Listen here,” says John, the owner. “I’ve got just the horse you’re looking for. The only thing is he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t stop and go the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to yell ‘heyhey!’, and the way to get him to go is by yelling ‘Thank God!’”

Jim nodded his head. “Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”

John agrees. A few minutes later, Jim is having the time of his life, thinking to himself that the horse sure could run fast. As he speeds down a dirt road, he panics as he realizes there’s a cliff-edge fast approaching.

“Stop!” screams Jim, to no avail. He remembers what he has to say to make the horse stop just five feet from the edge and yells: “HEYHEY!” The horse skids to a halt, with just an inch to spare before a sheer drop of hundreds of feet.

Gasping, Jim looks over the cliff-edge in disbelief at his good fortune. He looks up to the sky, raises his hands in the air and breathes a deep sigh of relief.

“Oh,” he says, relieved. “Thank God!”

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.

“Well, did God make me?” asks the little girl.

“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.

“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”

A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God,

“How long is a billion years to you?”

God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”

The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”

God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”

So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”

And God replies, “In a sec.”

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said.

“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly.

Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.

I wonder who taught her this?”

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

LOL!!

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married.

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.

The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.

His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.

His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.

The son thought about this and went along happily.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem

Her morning breath was horrid.

Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.

The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.

The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.

She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and not say a thing, go make breakfast, and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.

The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.

One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.

He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.

With a look of shock on his face, the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An elderly couple, Harold and Edna, had been married for over 60 years.

They had shared everything, talked about everything, and kept no secrets from each other—except for one.

Edna had a shoebox in her closet, and she had told Harold never to open it or ask about it. For decades, he respected her wishes, never giving the box a second thought.

One day, Edna fell gravely ill, and the doctor told Harold she didn’t have much time left. With a heavy heart, Harold sat beside his wife and said, “Edna, I love you. We’ve been through everything together. Before you go, can I finally know what’s inside that shoebox?”

Edna smiled weakly and nodded. “Go ahead and open it, dear.”

Harold opened the box and was astonished to find two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000!

Confused, he asked, “Edna, what is this?”

She took his hand and explained, “Before we got married, my grandmother gave me some advice. She told me that every time I got angry with you, instead of arguing, I should crochet a doll.”

Harold’s eyes welled up with tears. After all these years together, there were only two dolls in the box! “Edna,” he said, overcome with emotion, “that means you’ve only been mad at me twice in 60 years?”

She nodded with a sweet smile.

Harold beamed. “That’s amazing, my love. But… what about all this money?”

“Oh,” Edna said, patting his hand. “That’s from selling all the other dolls.”

An Old Man Decides to Prove His Wife Isn’t Having Hearing Problems.

An elderly guy notices that his wife is having difficulty hearing.

He attempts to convince her to take a hearing test, but she refuses.

He decides to show her that something is amiss with her hearing.

He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, switches it on, and yells below, knowing she’s in the kitchen. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

He went downstairs and yelled. “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no response.

He entered the living room and yelled again. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

He even stands just outside the kitchen and yells.

“What’s for supper?” and yet no response.

Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, “Honey. What’s for supper?!”

She turns around and says “Damn!t Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said:

“Let’s talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger.

“How about nuclear power?” The girl asked.

“Ok,” he said “That could be an interesting topic!”

The girl continues: “But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“The stranger thinks about it and says: “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies: “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

A man parachuted out of an aeroplane and his chute did not open.

As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground.

As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, “Do you know anything about parachutes?”

The man replied in passing, “No, you know anything about gas stoves?”

A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.

The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap, politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn”.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modern and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e- mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the woman, and hands her $500.00.

The woman says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the woman and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A man went to the doctor and said that he hadn’t been feeling very well recently.

The doctor examined the man, and prescribed three kinds of pills.

The doctor said, “Take the green one with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue one with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before bed, take the red one with another big glass of water.

The man, astounded that he had to take so much medicine, stammered, “Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?”

The doctor replied, “You aren’t drinking enough water.”

One day, Pete complained to his friend,  “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: “You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.”

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

An old man goes to his doctor,

complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor sees his leg, but can’t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”

The doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s not old age?”

The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly, you’re mistaken. After all, my other leg feels just fine.”

“So what?” says the doctor. “What difference does that make?”

“Well, it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the same age!”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made and everything picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

“Dear Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we would be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that Marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the dr*g we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for A.I.D.S so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.”

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.

They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. ‘Well,’ said the first one, ‘I bought mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.’

‘I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.’

‘I’ve beaten you both,’ said the third. ‘I bought her a miraculous parrot that can talk to her.’

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.

‘Gerald, the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, and I have to clean the entire house. Milton, the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere; I’m too old. But Robert, you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.’

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, “I did some schoolwork.”

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.”

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, “Ok, Ok, we were watching a dirty movie.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn’t even know what dirty movies were.”

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well, he certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.