Author: news

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

“Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up … ?” the woman asked her husband.

“No”, replied her husband.

She gave him a lingering, sensuous smile, and slowly unbuttoned the top four buttons of her blouse. She slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra . . . and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.

He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her, and smiled approvingly.

“Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up … ?” she then asked her husband.

“Uh . . . no, I haven’t” he told her, with a slightly anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively retrieved a crumpled fifty dollar note.

He took the crumpled fifty dollar note, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

“Now” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way” he exclaimed, while becoming even more breathless.

“Well, go look in the garage!” she replied.

 

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, can you come and get me?”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”

Welcome to the golden years…

One night, a wife found her husband standing next to their baby’s crib. She watched him quietly.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband and asked, “What happened?”

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t figure how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50!”

A blonde walks into an appliance store and spots a TV she wants to buy.

She heads to the counter and says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman looks at her and says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell to blondes.”

Confused, the blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown. She returns to the store and says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman looks at her again and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you before, we don’t sell to blondes.”

She walks out again and dyes her hair black. She returns and says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman gives her a tired look and says, “I’ve told you, we don’t sell to blondes.”

Determined, she dyes her hair red and walks back into the store. She says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman sighs and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you four times now, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The blonde, frustrated, asks, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

The salesman looks at her and says, “Because, ma’am… that’s a microwave.”

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A Rich Blonde Buying A New Sports Car

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car does not move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without success), she angrily calls the Jaguar dealers, and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and determines that there is nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Angry, the rich blonde replies, “How on earth could you ask such a question!? I’m not stupid, you know! Of course, I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.”

LOL!?!?

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

An elderly couple was having trouble remembering things, so they went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “You should start writing things down to help you remember.”

Later that night, the wife said, “Honey, I’d like some ice cream. Could you get me some from the kitchen?”

The husband said, “Of course.”

The wife added, “Write it down so you don’t forget!”

The husband replied, “I don’t need to write it down! You want ice cream.

She said, “I also want strawberries on top. Write it down!”

The husband rolled his eyes. “I won’t forget!”

She added, “And whipped cream! Please write it down!”

He sighed. “I got it! Ice cream, strawberries, whipped cream. No need to write it down.”

Twenty minutes later, he came back and handed her a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.

The wife stared at the plate and yelled, “I told you to write it down! Where’s my toast?!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A travel agent was sitting at his desk when he noticed an elderly couple standing outside, gazing longingly at the posters of dream vacations in the shop window.

They looked sweet, and honestly, a little heartbroken. The agent had just had a great week in business, so he felt a wave of kindness wash over him.

He rushed outside, brought them in, and said, “Listen, I know travel isn’t easy on a pension, but I want to treat you both to a luxury vacation—my treat. No strings attached. Just say yes.”

Shocked but thrilled, the couple accepted. The agent had his assistant book two plane tickets and a room at a beautiful five-star resort.

About a month later, the little old lady returned to the shop, smiling.

“How was the trip?” the agent asked.

“Oh, it was just lovely! The flight was wonderful, and the hotel was like something out of a dream,” she said. “I came to say thank you… But I do have one question.”

The agent raised an eyebrow. “Sure, what is it?”

She leaned in and whispered, “Who was that old man I had to share the room with?”

One evening, a husband—feeling a little too confident for his own good—decided to tease his wife.

“Maybe we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast,” he chuckled.

“Could take a few inches off your backside!”

Cue the awkward silence.

His wife, however, was not one to let such comments go unanswered.

The next morning, as the husband reached into his drawer for a fresh pair of underwear, a mysterious puff of powder burst into the air.

He coughed and blinked. “What the heck?!”

“APRIL!” he called out, holding the underwear at arm’s length. “Why is there talcum powder in my boxers?!”

From the bathroom, his wife called back sweetly: “Oh, honey… that’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle-Gro.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A wealthy married man was having an aff:air with an Italian woman.

One evening, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to jeopardize his marriage or reputation, the man offered her a large sum of money to move to Italy and have the baby in secret.

He also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18 if she stayed there to raise the child.

The woman agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep things discreet, he told her to send a postcard with the word *“Spaghetti”* written on the back.

Once he received it, he would arrange for the child support.

Months later, the man returned home to his puzzled wife.

She handed him a postcard from Italy and said, “This is a bit odd.”

Trying to play it cool, he said, “Oh, just give it to me. I’ll explain later.”

But as he read the card, his face turned pale, and he fainted.

The postcard read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.”

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

The wife answers, “Thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says, “An Italian girl!!!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that,” she said. “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!!!”

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country.

She had never been on an airplane before and felt very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and shouting, “BOEING! BOEING! BOEING!”

As she yelled, she forgot where she was, and even the pilot in the cockpit heard the noise. Annoyed by the situation, the pilot came out and shouted, “Be silent!”

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody started to look at the blonde and the angry pilot.

She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting: “OEING! OEING! OEING!”

One day, I asked my English teacher,

“Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H …in Hour, Honour. …etc. ???”

My English teacher said, “We are not ignoring them; they’re considered silent “……. (I was even more confused???)

During the lunch break, my teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the cafeteria.

I ate all the food and returned her the empty container…!!!

My English teacher: “What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container.”

I replied, “Sir, I thought ‘H’ was silent.”

A mother was cleaning the house when her young son, Timmy, ran up to her, crying.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” she asked.

“Mom, I accidentally broke a flower pot while playing soccer in the living room,” Timmy confessed.

The mother sighed, trying to stay calm. “Timmy, how many times have I told you not to play soccer in the house?”

“I know, Mom,” Timmy replied, “but it wasn’t my fault. The ball just went flying!”

The mother looked at him and said, “Well, accidents happen. But next time, you need to be more careful.”

Timmy nodded and ran off to play. A few minutes later, Timmy returned and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you, but promise you won’t get mad.”

The mother, suspicious but curious, said, “Alright, I promise.”

Timmy took a deep breath and said, “I also broke the window… but I learned a valuable lesson!”

The mother raised an eyebrow. “And what lesson is that?”

Timmy smiled sheepishly and said, “Next time, I’m playing outside.”

A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word “definitely”.

“Can anyone give me an example?” She asks.

Suzie raises her hand, “The grass is definitely green.”

“Sometimes the grass can be brown,” The teacher answers.

“Anyone else?”

“The sky is definitely blue,” Says Timmy.

“The sky can be gray if it’s cloudy, or black at night,” Says the teacher.

In the back of the class, little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Do farts have lumps?”

Caught off guard the teacher says, “No, of course not!”

Johnny replies, “Then I definitely pooped my pants.”

LOL!!

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.

The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies.

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with ra.pe,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true… but you have all the equipment!”

 

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.

His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

 

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.

After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breath under water?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

 

A man was fishing in the jungle.

After a while another angler came to join him.

“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.

“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”

A 90-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

He answers between the sobs and sniffles, “You can’t understand. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, and a meticulous housekeeper. She is also my best friend.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

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An Old Man Walked Into A Jewellery Store.

A balding, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store last Friday night with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring for just $40,000,” the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how the payment would be made and the man replied, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘ Sir…There’s no money in that account.”

” I know,’ said the old man… ‘ But let me tell you about my weekend.’

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Two Southern Belles were chatting on the porch of a grand white-pillared mansion.

The first lady said proudly, “When my first child was born, my husband built me this beautiful mansion.”

The second smiled and replied, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first continued, “When my second child was born, he bought me that fine Cadillac out front.”

Again, the second woman responded, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

“And when my third child was born,” the first said with a grin, “he gave me this dazzling diamond bracelet.”

The second lady, as always, replied sweetly, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

Curious now, the first woman asked, “What did your husband give you when you had your first child?”

With a sly smile, the second answered, “He sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school?! Land sakes, child—for what?”

The second lady leaned in and said, “So instead of saying ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

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UNLUCKY HUSBANDS

Two women friends reunited after many years.

“Tell me,” one asked, “What happened to your son?”

“Oh, my poor son!” sighed the mother.

“His marriage is so unfortunate. He ended up with a girl who doesn’t lift a finger around the house. She spends all day in bed, either sleeping or lounging and reading. Can you believe he even brings her breakfast in bed?”

“That’s terrible,” said her friend. “And your daughter?”

“Ah, she’s so fortunate! She married an angel. He insists she doesn’t do anything around the house. Every morning, he brings her breakfast in bed. She can sleep as long as she wants and just relax all day.”

After 25 years of marriage, Jake left his wife, Edith, for a much younger secretary.

His new flame insisted they live in Jake and Edith’s luxurious multi-million-dollar home.

Jake’s sharp lawyers ensured he won the house, and he gave Edith just three days to pack up and leave.

On the first day, Edith methodically packed her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.

On the second day, movers arrived to take her things away.

On the third day, Edith decided to savor her last evening in the house. She set a candlelit dinner at the elegant dining table, played soft music, and treated herself to a decadent meal of shrimp, caviar, and Chardonnay.

When the meal was done, Edith wandered through the house with a mischievous smile. In every single room, she stuffed the hollow curtain rods with the remains of her feast—shrimp shells and dollops of caviar. Satisfied, she tidied the kitchen and left the house for good.

Jake and his new girlfriend moved in, delighted with their victory. For the first few days, everything was perfect. But then, an inexplicable stench began to fill the house.

They scrubbed, mopped, and aired out every room. They checked the vents for dead animals, cleaned the carpets, and hung air fresheners everywhere. Nothing helped.

Desperate, they called in exterminators, who fumigated the house, forcing them to stay in a hotel for a few days. When that failed, they replaced the carpets and even repainted the walls. Still, the stench persisted.

The smell became so unbearable that friends stopped visiting, repair workers refused to enter, and even their maid quit.

Finally, unable to bear it any longer, they decided to sell the house. But no one wanted to buy a property with such a horrible reputation. Even after slashing the price in half, there were no takers. The stench had made the house uninhabitable.

Facing financial ruin, Jake and his girlfriend borrowed money from the bank to buy a new home.

One day, Edith called Jake to check in. Feigning concern, she asked how things were going. Jake poured out his woes, lamenting the nightmare of the stinky house. Edith listened sympathetically and casually mentioned how much she missed her old home. She even offered to buy it back—at a fraction of its original value.

Jake, desperate to be rid of the cursed property, jumped at the offer. Within hours, the deal was finalized, and Edith became the proud owner of her old home once again.

A week later, Jake and his girlfriend gleefully watched their moving company pack up their belongings to take to their new house.

Including the curtain rods.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

---

A teacher was talking about marriage in class.

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.

Teacher: “What kind of wife would you like Johnny?”

Johnny: “I would want a wife like the moon.”

Teacher: “Wow !! what a choice… do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?”

Johnny: “No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning!”

Kelly told Zack she was divorcing him after years of feeling neglected and unappreciated. Despite his tears and frantic questions, she explained that he had done nothing to support her emotionally or practically during key moments in their life together—when they had children, when she was ill, when her father died, or during her struggles with menopause. Zack had never stepped up to help,

offer affection, or make her feel loved.He begged her to reconsider, but Kelly had long been asking for his attention, love, and effort, only to be met with indifference. She had tried to talk to him before, even suggesting couples therapy, but he always dismissed her concerns. Realizing her own happiness was finally her priority, Kelly decided to leave. After the divorce, she reinvented herself—taking up dancing, making new friends, and throwing out the old clothes she had kept to please Zack. The changes were noticeable; her children even remarked that she looked twenty years younger. A year later,

Kelly met Sam, a sweet and considerate man who showered her with love and attention. They have set a wedding date for the summer, and for the first time in years, Kelly is experiencing true love, finally learning what it means to be cherished.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one afternoon, looking calm but determined. She approaches the counter and says to the pharmacist in a low, serious voice, “I need a poison. Something strong, fast-acting… and untraceable. It has to look like my husband died of natural causes.” The pharmacist blinks in shock, then quickly leans forward, whispering back,

“Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. In fact, I have a legal obligation to report this conversation to the authorities.” Without saying another word, the woman reaches into her purse, pulls out a folded photograph, and slides it across the counter.The pharmacist picks it up, unfolds it, and his eyes go wide—it’s a clear shot of her husband in bed… with the pharmacist’s own wife. There’s a long,

pause. Then the pharmacist clears his throat and says,“Ah. I see you have a prescription. That changes everything.”