Author: news

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering, and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

H – “Yes.”

W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

H – “What’s the price?”

W – “Only $1,000.”

H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

W – “Ah, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

H – “What price did he quote you?”

W – “Only $1,65,000…”

H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

H – “What?”

W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”

H – “How much are they asking?”

W – “Only $14,50,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $14,20,000. OK?”

W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”

H – “Bye… I love you too…”

The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.

The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks: “Does anyone know who this Cell phone belongs to … ???”

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed, each reading a book.

Suddenly the wife closes her book, looks over at her husband and asks a sensitive question.

Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Husband: What? Definitely not!

Wife: Why not? Don’t you like being married?

Husband: Well, of course, I do.

Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

Husband: Okay, okay, I’d get married again.

Wife: You would? (with a hurt look)

Husband: (makes audible groan)

Wife: Would you live in our house?

Husband: Sure, it’s a great house.

Wife: Would you sle*p with her in our bed?

Husband: Where else would we sle*p?

Wife: Would you let her drive my car?

Husband: Probably, it’s almost new.

Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?

Husband: No, I’m sure she’d want her own.

Wife: Would you take her golfing with you?

Husband: Sure, golfing together is always fun.

Wife: Would she use my clubs?

Husband: Of course not, she’s left-handed.

Wife: — silence —

Husband: Sh*t.

This 89 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.”

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

Then the judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied 6.

The judge said, “Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked, the judge if he could say something on his wifes behalf.

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad – the new blond recruit, wants the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Chad, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. Perhaps he has a creative mind.

“Now Chad, listen carefully: Who k*lled Abraham Lincoln?”

Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

“Hey Chad! How was it?”

“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murd*r case!”

Two lazy bones are fast asleep.

A thief comes in, pulls the blanket from the bed, and makes off with it.

One of them is aware of what happened and says to the other, ‘Get up! Go after the guy who stole our blanket!’

The other responds, ‘Forget it. When he comes back to take the mattress, let’s grab him then.’

A woman walks into Cabela’s to buy a fishing rod and reel for her son’s birthday.

Not knowing much about fishing gear, she randomly picks one and heads to the counter.

The clerk, wearing dark glasses, stands behind the register. She approaches him and asks, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He replies, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything about it just from the sound.”

Skeptical but curious, she lets it fall onto the counter.

The clerk listens and says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a solid all-around combo, and lucky for you, it’s on sale this week for just $20.”

Amazed, she exclaims, “That’s incredible! I’ll take it.”

As she reaches into her purse to grab her wallet, her credit card slips out and lands on the floor.

Without missing a beat, the clerk says, “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard.”

She bends down to pick it up and, in an unfortunate moment, accidentally lets out a fart.

Embarrassed, she freezes, then reassures herself—there’s no way the blind clerk could know it was her. After all, he can’t see that she’s the only one nearby.

The man rang up her purchase and said, “That’ll be $34.50.”

Puzzled, she asks, “Wait… didn’t you say the rod and reel were $20? How did it jump to $34.50?”

He smiles and replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

Without another word, she swipes her MasterCard and walks out.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and inspects it.

She accidentally breaks the wind when she bends over to look more closely.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn’t appear.

When she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes as a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and with complete professionalism, the salesman of the fancy jewelry store greets the lady with, “Good Morning, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but in the hope that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little “accident”! She asks, “Sir, what is the price of this beautiful bracelet?”

He replies, “Ma’am if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap when I tell you the price.”

LOL!!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Besides the usual symptoms of type 2 d.iabetes which include voracious thirst, frequent need to urinate, and haze in the hands, there are also hidden symptoms that you would never link with d.iabetes. You should keep an eye on the following 5 symptoms that could indicate issues with your blood sugar levels.

1. Loud and frequent snoring

According to Dr. Osama Hamdy from Joslin D.iabetes Center in Boston, almost half of the patients with type 2 d.iabetes have breathing difficulties during sleeping. So, check your sugar levels if you snore loudly while you sleep. According to one Canadian study, 23% of people who experience sleeping difficulties such as moderate or mild sleep apnea are at risk of developing d.iabetes in 5 years. Even though this link has not yet been scientifically proven, the statistics show an unusual relation. This is probably due to the stress hormones that our bodies release during sleeping which increase blood sugar levels.

2. Unusual skin changes

Skin changes are another symptom of increased blood sugar levels. You should check your blood sugar levels if you notice dark blemishes on the elbows, joints, or the back of your neck. Dr. Sanjiy Saini, a dermatologist in Edgewater, Maryland, explains that these changes indicate increased blood sugar levels as well as genetic or hormonal conditions. He says that the dark color of the blemishes is due to melanin which gets stimulated by the increased insulin amounts. He added that these skin changes indicate that the patient already has d.iabetes. However, once the blood sugar levels of the patient are normalized these dark skin patches can be treated with laser therapy or using topical retina A.

3. Difficulty hearing

In case you experience hearing issues, particularly hearing loss then you should probably do a blood sugar test. According to a study conducted by the National Institute of Health, hearing loss can also indicate d.iabetes. Experts explain that d.iabetes damages the blood vessels and the nerves in the inner ear which leads to hearing loss. In case of increased blood sugar levels, the patient has a 30% higher risk of experiencing hearing issues than those with normal sugar levels.

4. Sudden vision improvement

If you were wearing glasses your whole life and suddenly you don’t need them anymore the reason could be d.iabetes. Dr. Howard Baum from Vanderbilt University explains that d.iabetes can cause both vision deterioration and improvement. He said, “Some patients told me that their vision has bettered when their blood sugars were raised, and then after they begin treating their d.iabetes, they needed their glasses again”. D.iabetes affects vision by stimulating the fluid levels from the body to move more which can also travel to the eyes thus causing vision changes.

5. Constant itchiness

In case you experience itching so much that you can’t stop scratching yourself you should consult your doctor because this can also be a hidden symptom of d.iabetes. D.iabetes makes the skin irritated and dry and it also reduces the blood flow. According to Dr. Baum, newly diagnosed d.iabetes patients claim that they have experienced itchiness on their hands, lower legs, and feet which is why he recommends blood sugar tests if these symptoms occur. If you are unable to relieve the itching even with a moisturizer, consult your doctor as soon as you can.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing “This damn thing is so heavy.”

A priest heard him and came out. “You shouldn’t be swearing” said the priest. “God hears you…He is everywhere…He’s in the chruch…He’s on the sidewalk…He’s everywhere.”

Then Little Johnny says: “Oh is he in my Wagon?”

The priest replies: “Yes Johnny, God is in your Wagon.”

Little Johnny says: “Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling.”

A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and sat beside me.

After some moments I dared to ask her: “Excuse me lady do you mind me asking you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife.”

The lady responded: “It is Chanel and from Paris.”

About ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.

Some seconds later she broke and said: “Offf…what is this smell, my God”?

I said: “Garlic and I am from Gilroy, California.”

Fred and Mary got married, but can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “I think they–”

His mom interrupts, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “ I think they–”

His mom interrupts, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom says “No.”

He asks, “Mom, let me tell you what I think.”

His Mom replies, “Ok, now do tell me what you think.”

He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”

A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.

They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.

As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.

As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.

That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.

When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.

After two weeks, they came back and finally opened all the presents they had received from friends and family. Since this was a new house, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a very popular show. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the host. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them?”

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”

Several men are sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering, and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

H – “Yes.”

W – “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

H – “What’s the price?”

W – “Only $1,000.”

H – “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

W – “Ah, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2019 models. I saw one I liked. It’s a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

H – “What price did he quote you?”

W – “Only $1,65,000…”

H – “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

W – “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

H – “What?”

W – “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”

H – “How much are they asking?”

W – “Only $14,50,000 — a magnificent price… and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

H – “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $14,20,000. OK?”

W – “OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! You’re the best Husband in the world. I love you!!!”

H – “Bye… I love you too…”

The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.

The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks: “Does anyone know who this Cell phone belongs to … ???”

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed, each reading a book.

Suddenly the wife closes her book, looks over at her husband and asks a sensitive question.

Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Husband: What? Definitely not!

Wife: Why not? Don’t you like being married?

Husband: Well, of course, I do.

Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

Husband: Okay, okay, I’d get married again.

Wife: You would? (with a hurt look)

Husband: (makes audible groan)

Wife: Would you live in our house?

Husband: Sure, it’s a great house.

Wife: Would you sle*p with her in our bed?

Husband: Where else would we sle*p?

Wife: Would you let her drive my car?

Husband: Probably, it’s almost new.

Wife: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?

Husband: No, I’m sure she’d want her own.

Wife: Would you take her golfing with you?

Husband: Sure, golfing together is always fun.

Wife: Would she use my clubs?

Husband: Of course not, she’s left-handed.

Wife: — silence —

Husband: Sh*t.

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop with an old, weathered guitar: “I’d like your expert opinion on this guitar. How much do you think it’s worth?” asks the old man.

The pawnbroker looks it up and down.

“Well, I can tell right now that there’s a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded, and there are scratches and dents all over it. It’s an old, well-played guitar, but I don’t think it’s worth any more than twenty bucks.”

The old man reaches his hand out and says.

“Okay, if that’s what you think it’s worth, you have a deal!”

“Great!” Replies the pawnbroker, shaking his hand.

“Here’s twenty bucks.” Says the old man.

“I’ll buy it right now!”

The broker stops and suddenly looks confused.

“Wait, buy?” He asks.

“Yes!” Smiles the old man as he flips the guitar over.

“This one has a sticker price of $150, but now that I have your honest opinion, I think twenty bucks is a great deal.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An Old Man Who Just Moved To Montana.

An old cowboy who has just moved from Texas to Montana walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The old man replies, “Well, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised to drink this way to remember the days we drank together. That’s why I drink a beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The old man becomes a regular at the bar and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The old man looks quite confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.

“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”

“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

LOL!!

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the third guy replied.

“He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Chad – the new blond recruit, wants the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Chad, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Chad supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. Perhaps he has a creative mind.

“Now Chad, listen carefully: Who k*lled Abraham Lincoln?”

Chad looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Chad wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

“Hey Chad! How was it?”

“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murd*r case!”

A policeman stops two drunks and asks one, “Where do you live?”

“Nowhere”, the first drunk replied.

“And where do you live?”, he asks the other.

“We’re neighbours.”

Gerard, Howard, and Norman were three successful brothers who wanted to outshine each other with the most impressive gift for their mother’s 90th birthday.

They gathered at dinner to boast about their presents.

“I built a sprawling mansion for Mom,” Gerard said with a smug smile. “It’s got ten bedrooms, a library, and even an indoor pool.”

Howard chuckled. “That’s cute. I sent her a Tesla with a personal chauffeur who’s always on call. She’ll never have to drive herself again.”

Norman leaned back in his chair, his smile even bigger. “Amateurs. I sent Mom a brown parrot trained for twelve years by monks. It knows the entire Bible. All she has to do is name a verse, and it will recite it perfectly.”

A week later, their mother sent thank-you notes.

“Gerard,” she wrote, “the house is lovely, but it’s far too big. I only use one room, and I have to clean the entire place!”

“Howard,” she wrote, “the car is beautiful, but I don’t go out much, and the driver has a temper worse than your father’s.”

“Dearest Norman,” she wrote, “you’re the only one who truly understands me. The roast chicken was delicious. But it was pretty small.”

Norman realized his “biblical” bird had become dinner instead of delivering divine inspiration.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner, feeling very nervous as it’s her first time meeting them.

They all sit down to a fine meal, but the woman soon starts to feel discomfort from her nerves and the broccoli casserole.

With gas pains almost bringing tears to her eyes, she decides to discreetly relieve herself and lets out a dainty fart.

Though not loud, everyone at the table hears it.

Before she can be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looks at the dog sleeping at her feet and sternly says, “Skippy!”

Relieved, the woman smiles, thinking she’s off the hook.

A few minutes later, the discomfort returns.

Without hesitation, she lets out a louder and longer fart.

The father once again looks at the dog and yells, “Dammit Skippy!”

Feeling even more relieved, the woman smiles and thinks, “Yes!”

As the meal continues, the woman feels the gas building up again.

This time, she doesn’t even think about it and lets out a fart that rivals a train whistle.

The father, now looking truly disgusted, shouts, “Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!”

LOL!!