Author: news

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: “Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

Little Johnny was going to his fathers house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing “This damn thing is so heavy.”

A priest heard him and came out. “You shouldn’t be swearing” said the priest. “God hears you…He is everywhere…He’s in the chruch…He’s on the sidewalk…He’s everywhere.”

Then Little Johnny says: “Oh is he in my Wagon?”

The priest replies: “Yes Johnny, God is in your Wagon.”

Little Johnny says: “Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling.”

A nice respectable lady with a savory smell of perfume got on the bus and sat beside me.

After some moments I dared to ask her: “Excuse me lady do you mind me asking you what is the name of this perfume and where did you buy it from? I want to buy one for my wife.”

The lady responded: “It is Chanel and from Paris.”

About ten minutes later I felt a strong wind in my belly so I slowly blew it out.

Some seconds later she broke and said: “Offf…what is this smell, my God”?

I said: “Garlic and I am from Gilroy, California.”

There were five people aboard an airplane that was experiencing engine trouble and about to crash.

The problem? There were only four parachutes.

As everyone tried to figure out who should get the parachutes, the first person stood up and said, “I’m the smartest person to ever walk the Earth. The world cannot afford to lose me.” Without waiting for a response, he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The second person said, “I’m a mother, and my family depends on me. I can’t let them down.” She quickly took a parachute and leapt out as well.

The third person declared, “I’m the head of my household and the sole breadwinner. My family’s survival depends on me.” With that, he grabbed a parachute and jumped too.

Now, only two people remained: a 65-year-old man and a 12-year-old boy.

The old man turned to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve lived a full life. You’re young and have your whole future ahead of you. You take the last parachute.”

The boy looked at him and smiled. “Don’t worry, Sir. There are still two parachutes left.”

The old man was puzzled. “How’s that possible?”

The boy chuckled and said, “Well, the guy who thought he was the smartest person on Earth? He grabbed my backpack.”

A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.

The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap, politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn”.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modern and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e- mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the woman, and hands her $500.00.

The woman says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the woman and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.

“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. “How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in s*x.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him.

“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.

“Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it’s almost noon she looks at her watch and right when it strikes 12pm she blows the whistle.

One day she bumps her watch against something and she fears that it is a little off. Wanting to make sure that she can do her job correctly she decides to go get her watch set by a professional clock maker.

The woman goes to the shop and has the clock maker set her watch to the correct time. She tells the clock maker what she does for a living and that it is important that her watch keeps correct time.

The clock maker tells her that she needn’t worry because he set his watch by the clocks in the back and that he can be sure that they’re on time because he sets them every Sunday when the church bells ring at 6am.

The woman leaves the shop satisfied… but starts to ask herself… “How does the church know exactly when it is 6am?”

So she goes to the church and finds the bell ringer and asks him how does he know when to ring the bells and how does he make sure that he has the correct time.

The bell ringer tells her that he rings the bells right when his watch strikes 6am. “I’m sure my watch is accurate.” He reassures her. “I check it every day at noon when the factory goes on break.”

Jake is struggling through a bus station

with two huge and heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, “Have you got the time?”

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out!”

He shows him a time-zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, “The time is eleven past six.”

Jake continues, “I’ve put in regional accents for each city. The display is of unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.”

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

“That’s not all,” says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.

“I want to buy this watch,” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says the inventor. “But look at this,” and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 metres, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch,” says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it.”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than that!”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it.”

“But it’s just not…”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it.” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it!”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “Okay,” he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute!” calls Jake after the stranger turns around warily. He points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries!”

A woman walks into Cabela’s to buy a fishing rod and reel for her son’s birthday.

Not knowing much about fishing gear, she randomly picks one and heads to the counter.

The clerk, wearing dark glasses, stands behind the register. She approaches him and asks, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He replies, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything about it just from the sound.”

Skeptical but curious, she lets it fall onto the counter.

The clerk listens and says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a solid all-around combo, and lucky for you, it’s on sale this week for just $20.”

Amazed, she exclaims, “That’s incredible! I’ll take it.”

As she reaches into her purse to grab her wallet, her credit card slips out and lands on the floor.

Without missing a beat, the clerk says, “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard.”

She bends down to pick it up and, in an unfortunate moment, accidentally lets out a fart.

Embarrassed, she freezes, then reassures herself—there’s no way the blind clerk could know it was her. After all, he can’t see that she’s the only one nearby.

The man rang up her purchase and said, “That’ll be $34.50.”

Puzzled, she asks, “Wait… didn’t you say the rod and reel were $20? How did it jump to $34.50?”

He smiles and replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel are $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

Without another word, she swipes her MasterCard and walks out.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and inspects it.

She accidentally breaks the wind when she bends over to look more closely.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn’t appear.

When she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes as a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and with complete professionalism, the salesman of the fancy jewelry store greets the lady with, “Good Morning, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but in the hope that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little “accident”! She asks, “Sir, what is the price of this beautiful bracelet?”

He replies, “Ma’am if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap when I tell you the price.”

LOL!!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An elderly French woman owned a small shop in her village for many years until a supermarket opened across the street.

The supermarket put up bold signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – $10.

In response, the old lady placed a sign in her window: Butter – $9.

The next day, the supermarket countered with a new sign: Butter – $8.

Not to be outdone, the old lady updated her sign: Butter – $7.

This price war continued until one of her customers, concerned, approached her and said,
“Madame, you can’t keep dropping your prices like this. Big supermarkets can afford it, but a small shop like yours will go bankrupt!”

Leaning in with a sly smile, the old woman whispered, “Sir, I don’t even sell butter.”

An Old Woman Is Riding In An Elevator.

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a lavish New York City Building. 

When a young and beautiful woman walks into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: “Ralph Lauren’s “Romance”, $150 an ounce! ”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also looks very arrogantly turning to the old woman who says: “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before leaving, she looks the two beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts, and says: “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

LOL!!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t s.leep with you tonight!”

By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200!”

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet $20 he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, But I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Bob took the money.

A man and a monkey walk into a bar.

The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there.

The bartender says, “Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!”

The man says, “Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it.”

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.

The bartender says, “Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!”

The man says, “Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it.”

The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave.

A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender says, “That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it.”

The man says, “Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first.”

Some time ago, a man had two sons.

As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away.

Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: “Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!”

He wasn’t sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was… well, Blake, but he had no one else to call.

Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all.

A few months later Jackson calls Blake again. “Listen,” he says. “I don’t want to make accusations or nothin’, but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report.”

“Of course not!” said Blake, insulted. “I would never steal from you, you know that!”

“Yea, I do.” Said Jackson, “But how do you explain these?”

“Oh,” said Blake, “I bet those are for dad’s tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!”

A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives’ gravestones at a cemetery.

The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie’s gravestone.

The initials under Annie’s name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?”

His mother replies, “It stands for ‘Rest in Peace.’ That means we wish for Grandma Annie’s spirit to find peace in the afterlife.”

Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman’s uncle Joe. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?”, pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe’s name.

“We really didn’t like Uncle Joe.” Said his mother.

Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

She went to the undertaker’s to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.

Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She said to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”

Cinderella was now 75 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish: “I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.” At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath: “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would grant them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and boom. The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, “Well, I’d like to have a wife 30 years younger than I.”

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and boom. He was now 90.

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads

“Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

“Five pounds,” he replies.

“We’ll have a representative over in the morning,” says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, scantily-clad with a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me”.

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. And he has her. After that, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 5 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 10 pounds.”

“We’ll send someone over.”

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me”. The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 20 pounds!”

“Twenty pounds?” the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.”

The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!”

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I Catch You, I Can Have You”.

Two women were shopping.

When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds in two weeks.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Not yet,” the first replied, “I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first.”

A blond becomes terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded… “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”, asked the doctor.”

“No, from skipping everywhere.”

A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on.

She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.

She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.

The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.

She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.

This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.

After a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair.

To wake her, the stylist took off the headphones.

The blond immediately fell on the floor, flopped and died.

Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.

They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”