Author: news

A 50-year-old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of going to the temple as usual.

Everyone was curious and asked her, “Why the change in your interest in swimming nowadays?”

The lady replied with a helpless look, “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law are arguing, my daughter-in-law always asks my son,” If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?”

And because I don’t want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim! ”

A few days later, the husband and wife were quarreling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked, “Now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, whom will you save first?”

The husband replied, “I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”

The wife refused to relent, “No, you have to jump into the water and have to save one of us. Whom will you save?”

The husband replied, “Then you’re surely going to drown… because I don’t know how to swim, and my mom will definitely save me first!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

An Old Woman Walked Into A Supermarket.

The old lady is in the supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the manager asks if he can help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

He informs her that they are out of stock, and she leaves.

An hour later she is back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor, the irate manager asks again if he can help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

Once again he informs her that they are out of stock.

15 mins before closing, she comes stalking straight to the frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out, the very irritated manager asks can I help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dogmore.

She says yes ”DOG.”

“Very good, can you spell Cat in Catsdelight.”

She says “CAT.”

“Very good, now can you spell F in Broccoli.”

She says, ”there’s no F in Broccoli.“

“Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

After 60 years together, the couple’s three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1. “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency with a patient at the hospital, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then, the daughter arrived. “Hello, and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years, your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said almost in unison, “WHAT? You mean we’re b.astards?”
“Yep,” said the father. “Cheap ones, too.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An old married couple went camping.

An old married couple were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, the wife woke her husband and said, “Look at the stars and tell me what you see.”

The husband replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

The wife said, “And what do you make of that?”

The husband replied, “Well if there are millions of stars and even some of them have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

There was a slight pause before the wife said: “No honey, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

LOL!! 

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A large, well-established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack’s door.

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said: “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

…

..

.

The little man laughed and answered back: “Sure, that’s what they call it NOW!”

=================================

An old man walks up to a pawn shop’s counter

An old man walks up to a pawn shop’s counter holding an old, weathered guitar:

“I’d like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it’s worth?” asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. “Well, I can tell right now that there’s a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there’s scratches and dents all over it. It’s an old, well-played guitar but I don’t think it’s worth any more than twenty bucks.”

The old man reaches his hand out and says, “Okay, if that’s what you think it’s worth.. you have a deal!”

“Great!” replies the pawn broker, shaking his hand.

“Here’s twenty bucks,” says the old man. “I’ll buy it right now!”

The broker stops, and suddenly looks confused.

“Wait…. buy?” he asks.

…

..

.

“Yes!” smiles the old man as he flips the guitar over, “This one has a sticker price of $150, but now that I have your honest opinion I think twenty bucks is a great deal!”

One breezy morning, I decided to take a walk through the park.

The usual park sights greeted me — families picnicking, kids chasing each other, and joggers sweating through their morning routines.

Then I spotted something unusual: a frail old lady, sitting all alone on a bench, weeping quietly into her hands.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” I said cautiously, “are you alright? Is there something I can do for you?”

She looked up at me with watery eyes and said, “Oh, young man, I have the best life anyone could ever ask for.”

This was not the answer I’d expected. Curious, I took a seat next to her. “That sounds wonderful,” I said gently. “What’s making you so upset?”

With a wistful sigh, she began her story. “I’m married to a 22-year-old man who treats me like a queen. Every morning, he brings me breakfast in bed — fresh waffles, syrup, and a latte just the way I like it. He massages my feet afterward to start my day right.”

“Wow,” I said, nodding, “that sounds amazing.”

“Oh, but there’s more,” she continued. “He cooks me a gourmet lunch every afternoon, serenades me with his guitar while I relax in the garden, and spoils me with candlelit dinners. He even writes poetry just for me!”

I was thoroughly impressed. “He plays the guitar for you? How romantic! That sounds like a dream. But why are you crying?”

She sniffled loudly, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Because… I can’t remember where I live!”

I bit my lip to suppress my laughter, but let’s just say it didn’t work. I chuckled so hard that I might’ve needed a tissue myself.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An Old Woman Walked Into A Supermarket.

The old lady is in the supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the manager asks if he can help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

He informs her that they are out of stock, and she leaves.

An hour later she is back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor, the irate manager asks again if he can help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

Once again he informs her that they are out of stock.

15 minutes before closing, she comes stalking straight to the frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out, the very irritated manager asks can I help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dogmore.

She says yes ”DOG.”

“Very good, can you spell Cat in Catsdelight.”

She says “CAT.”

“Very good, now can you spell F in Broccoli.”

She says, ”there’s no F in Broccoli.“

“Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that?!”

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blond chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blond began.

“I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere

this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree

I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree

I served to the right and there was another tree I swerved to the left and there was…”

“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

A wife had been asking her husband to fix a few things around the house. One day, she complained, “Honey, the grass is way too high. Can you cut it?”

The husband, looking frustrated, replied, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?”

The next day, the sink started dripping, and she asked him, “The faucet’s leaking, can you fix it?”

His reply, rolling his eyes, was, “What do I look like to you? A plumber?”

Two days later, the light bulb went out in the kitchen. She sighed and asked, “Honey, can you change this light bulb?”

He threw up his hands and grumbled, “What am I, an electrician?”

Days later, the husband came home from work to find the lawn mowed, the faucet repaired, and the light bulb replaced. Surprised, he asked, “What happened here?”

His wife, smiling, replied, “Well, our new neighbor came over and took care of everything.”

Curious, he asked, “How did you pay him?”

She shrugged. “He gave me two options: bake him a cake or s.l.eep with him.”

Relieved, the husband asked, “Okay, so what kind of cake did you bake him?”

The wife smirked. “What do you think I am, Betty Crocker?”

A newly wed couple were talking

A newlywed couple were talking.

Husband: “How many boyfriends did you have before marrying me?”

When his wife wasn’t answering, he said: “Don’t want to tell?”

Wife: “I’m still counting!!”

LOL!

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

A newly married couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days pass, and he comes home from work, his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think a new battery is needed. Could you change it for me? ”

He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.

The wife finds a leak in the roof.

She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed.

So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, on his farm.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, “She’ll be 21 in November.”

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the a young woman could not be s.a.tisfied by an 80-year-old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon..

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom again…

“How’s the new wife?”, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, “Good – she’s pregnant.”

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”

Without hesitating, Tom whispered, “She’s pregnant, too.”

There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.

The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.

The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.

Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

An old farmer

wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed.

The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.

“Oh, I reckon the first thing do is go and pay a few bills.”

“And what about the rest?” the reporter continued.

The farmer shrugs. “Well, I guess they’ll just have to wait.”

This redneck was parked behind a trailer load of pigs near the zoo in Washington, DC.

As the truck drove away–one of the pigs fell out.

The redneck walked over and picked the pig up and placed it in the front seat of his truck.

He was sitting there looking puzzled when a policeman walked up and asked what was going on.

He told the story and the policeman recommended he take the pig to the zoo.

The redneck was sitting in the same spot the next day with the pig sitting up in the front seat.

The cop said “didn’t I ask you to take this pig to the zoo?”

The redneck replied “I did and he liked it so well–today I’m taking him to the movies!”

One day, a drunken man walks into a coffee shop.

“Do you have iced coffee?”

“No, sir. We don’t.” Said the coffee shop owner.

“So ok,” the drunk man said.

Then he leaves. He comes back 20 minutes later.

“Do you have iced coffee?” he asks again.

“No, sir. We don’t. I told you before.” Said the owner.

“Oh, I am sorry,” said the drunken man as he waddled off.

He comes again 20 minutes later.

“Do you have iced coffee?”

“Sir, I told you before. We do not have any iced coffee.”

“Wow, ok then. You don’t have to tell me twice!” exclaims the drunkard and leaves.

This time, the owner decides to put coffee in a bucket of ice and wait.

Indeed, 20 minutes later, the drunkard returns.

“Do you have iced coffee?” he inquires.

“Why ye,s sir, we do!” says the owner with a smile.

“Ugh, could you heat a cup for me then?”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!

A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice.

A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.

As he does so, a loud voice from above says, “There are no fish down there.”

He looks around, shocked, but sees no one.

He packs up staggers to another spot and starts working on a new hole.

Again he hears the booming voice, “There’s no fish there!”

He moves again and starts making a new hole and hears the voice again.

“There’s no fish there!” it booms.

He looks up nervously.

“God? Is that… you?” he asks.

“No, it’s the Ice Rink manager. Now get out you drunk fool!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A driver visiting a big city for the first time stopped at a red light.

But when the light turned green, he stayed where he was.

After the light changed several more times and he still didn’t move, a traffic cop ran over and inquired politely, “What’s wrong? Don’t we have any colors you like?”

The candidate was interviewing for a job at a phone answer center

and was asked to make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.

After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, the reply was, “When the phone goes GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, I PINK up the phone and say YELLOW!”

She got the job.

Two blondes are working at a warehouse.

One blonde, tired of working, says to the other: “Watch this, I’m going to act crazy so that the boss will send me home.”

She climbs up the racking and hangs from the rafters yelling “I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB, I’M A LIGHTBULB!!”

“What are you doing?! Get down from there and GO HOME!” shouts the boss.

The second blonde picks up her toolbag and heads towards the door. “Where in the HELL do you think you’re going??” the boss exclaims.

“Well, I can’t work in the dark!”

Father O’Flannagan dies due to old age.

Upon entering St. Peter’s gate, there is another man in front of him in the queue waiting to go into heaven.

St. Peter asks the man, “What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?”.

The man responds “My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city taxi driver for 14 years”

“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord.”

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks “What is your name and what did you accomplish?”

He responds, “I’m Father O’Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord.”

“Very well,” says St. Peter, “Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter.”

“Wait a minute,” says O’Flannagan, “You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?”

“Well,” St. Peter replied, “We work on a performance scale. While you preached, everyone slept, but when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!”

A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud.

He heads to a corner, and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn.

Once he’s done, he returns to the bar and orders three more.

Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, “You know, beer goes flat pretty quick after it’s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.”

The cowboy smiles and explains, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got two brothers—one in Arizona, the other in Colorado. When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we’d each have one for the others, just like we did back home. So, I’m drinking for my brothers and myself.”

The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves it at that.

The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.

One day, though, he walks in and only orders two mugs.

The regulars, noticing the change, go quiet.

When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in and says, “I’m sorry for your loss. I just wanted to offer my condolences.”

The cowboy looks confused for a second, then bursts out laughing. “Oh no, no one’s passed away!” he chuckles.

“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking. But my brothers are still going strong!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An Old Cowboy Gets 3 Wishes

A modern-day old cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last when he suddenly sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls towards the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks like an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She wears an AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE badge and a dull grey dress.

There is a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, old cowboy,” said the genie… “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this”, says the old man.

“I’m not going to trust an ATO auditor genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You have no transportation and it looks like you are a goner anyway!”

The old man thinks about this for a minute and decides the genie is right.

Shazam!

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with lots of food and drink.”

Shazam!

The old cowboy is in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

OK, old boy, what’s your second wish?”

“My second wish is for me to be rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

Shazam!

The old man is surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“Okay, cowpuncher, you just have one wish. Better make it a good one!”

After a few minutes of thinking, the man says.

“I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

Shazam!

He is turned into a t-a.mpon.

Moral of the story

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.