Author: news

The Blonde and the Road Paint Job

A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down the middle of a road, giving her one simple rule: she must paint at least four miles per day to keep the job.

On the first day, she absolutely crushes it—eight miles! The boss is blown away.

The second day, she paints four miles. Not as impressive, but still meeting the requirement.

On the third day, she only manages two miles. The boss raises an eyebrow but figures maybe she’s just tired.

By the fourth day, she barely scrapes out one mile. Frustrated, the boss finally asks, “What’s going on? You started off amazing! Why are you slowing down so much?”

The blonde wipes her forehead and sighs, “Well, I’m getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!

They Walk Among Us!
I was at the checkout at Walmart, minding my own business, when the cashier rang up my total: $46.64. I handed her a crisp $50 bill. She looked me dead in the eye, gave me back $46.64, and continued scanning items like a professional.

Me: “Uh… I think there’s a mistake.”
Her: huffing dramatically “Sir, I am educated. I know what I’m doing.”

She pushed the money back at me like I was trying to scam her.

So, I did what any reasonable person would do—I gave it back.
She, once again, pushed it right back at me with extra attitude.

I shrugged, picked up my bags, and walked out with $46.64 in my pocket. 
They Walk Among Us…

I walked into Starbucks with a “Buy-One-Get-One-Free” coupon for a Grande Latte. The barista studied it like it was the Declaration of Independence, then turned to a chalkboard that read “Buy One, Get One Free.”

Her eyes lit up. “Oh! So that means… they’re both free!”

She happily handed me two free lattes.

I didn’t argue. I just walked out, sipping my victory. 
They Walk Among Us…

One day, I was strolling along the beach with some friends when one of them gasped dramatically, pointed ahead, and yelled:

“Look! A dead bird!”

Another friend immediately looked up at the sky and asked, “Where?”

I just… I had no words. 
They Walk Among Us…

My brother was house hunting and asked the real estate agent which direction was north. He explained that he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.

The agent furrowed her brow. “Wait… does the sun rise in the north?”

My brother, thinking she was joking, laughed.

She was not joking.

He gently explained that the sun rises in the east… and, you know, has been doing that for quite a while now.

She shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff.”

I… I had to walk away.
They Walk Among Us…

Back when I worked in a 24/7 call center, a guy called and asked:
“What hours are you open?”

Me: “Sir, we’re open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.”

Him: “Okay, but is that Eastern or Pacific time?”

I stared at my screen for a solid 10 seconds before replying:
“Uh… Pacific.”

He thanked me and hung up, probably feeling proud of himself.
They Walk Among Us…

My sister has one of those emergency seatbelt cutters in her car—designed to save her life if she ever gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.


They Walk Among Us…

My friends and I went to buy beer for a party. The store had a 10% discount on cases. Since we were professionals, we grabbed two cases.

The cashier did some quick mental math.

“Oh, two cases? That’s 10% + 10%… so you get 20% off!”

We all nodded and quietly accepted our new financial advisor.
They Walk Among Us…

At the airport, I couldn’t find my luggage, so I went to the lost baggage counter.

Me: “My bags never showed up.”

The lady smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, sir! I’m a trained professional. Now… has your plane landed yet?”

I blinked.

Me: “Nope, we’re still circling the airport. The pilot told us we’re third in line to land.”

Her: “Oh! Okay, well, come back after you land.”

…Sure thing, genius.
They Walk Among Us…

While working at a pizza place, I watched a man order a small pizza to-go.

Cook: “Would you like that cut into four or six slices?”

The man thought long and hard before replying:

“Better make it four. I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat six.”

Bless their hearts. 
They Walk Among Us…

Four strangers found themselves traveling together in the same compartment of a European train: two men and two women, all facing one another.

One woman was a 75-year-old lady, wealthy and sophisticated, decked out in the finest furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful 19-year-old woman, radiating a model-like presence straight out of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady sat a man in his late forties, a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private, fresh out of boot camp.

As the four chatted about trivial things during the ride, they suddenly entered an unlit tunnel, plunging the compartment into complete darkness and silence. Then, a distinct kiss broke the quiet, followed by a loud slap that echoed throughout the cabin.

In the awkward silence that followed, each of the four strangers was lost in their own thoughts:

The older lady thought, “How wonderful it is that, even in this permissive age, there are still young women who have enough self-respect and dignity to avoid such behavior.”

The young woman, puzzled, wondered, “Why would any man want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was furious. “How dare anyone think that I would try to sneak a kiss in the dark? This is beyond ridiculous!”

Meanwhile, the young private, grinning from ear to ear, thought to himself, “What a crazy world this is—where a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road.

Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. “Think it’s safe to cross?” the man asked.

“I reckon so,” replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in.

In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, “I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!”

…

..

.

“Well, shoot!” said the farmer, scratching his head. “It only come up chest-high on my ducks!”

A drunk man gets on a bus

This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork.

About two hours,” says the conductor.

“OK,” says the drunk “then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?”

The irate driver says to the drunk “It’s still about two hours.

Why’d you think there’d be a difference?”

…

..

.

“Well,” says the drunk, “It’s only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it’s a long time between New Year and Christmas!”

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends.

They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.

“Here’s what we’ll do,” the wife suggests. “I’ll call your friends, and you call mine. We’ll both pretend that the other person hasn’t come home yet, and that we’re worried. Whoever’s friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore are better.”

The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.

“Well, honey,” he says, “I think it’s pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss’s name, and even the route that you take home.”

The wife shakes her head. “No, dear,” she replies, “you have better friends.”

“Why do you say that?” asks the husband.

“Well,” the wife replies, “most of them said that you’d been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there.”

Maria and Julia were old friends.

They had in fact they had been friends for many years and both of them have been married to their husbands for a very long time.

One day, Julia went to visit Maria and confided in her that she was upset because she thought her husband didn’t find her attractive any more.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me”, Julia cried on her best friend Maria’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry for you”, Maria said. “As I get older, my husband says that I get more beautiful every day”.

“Of course he does”, Julia answered, “your husband is an antique dealer!”

A man says to his friend,

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”

The friend says, “Why not?”

The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?”

Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: “If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month.”

Husband: “Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?”

Wife: (smile) “Yes darling.”

Husband: “Ok” (stood up and was ready to run to any direction)

Wife: “Are u ready?”

Husband: “Yes, ready.”

Wife: “Turkey”

It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates of heaven on Christmas Eve.

Saint Peter meets them with a stern look and a challenge.

“To get into heaven tonight, you must show me something that represents Christmas.”

The first man digs into his pockets, pulls out a match, and lights it. “This is a Christmas candle,” he says with a hopeful smile.

“Impressive,” Saint Peter says and waves him through.

The second man reaches into his jacket and jangles a set of keys. “These are Christmas bells,” he grins.

Saint Peter nods, letting him pass.

Then, the third man steps up, pulling out a pair of red panties.

Puzzled, Saint Peter asks, “And what on earth do these have to do with Christmas?”

The man smirks, “They’re Carol’s.”

If that joke didn’t light your Christmas candle, this next one might leave you laughing on New Year’s Day. It’s a story of holiday hangovers, memory lapses, and a husband waking up to a Christmas surprise he wasn’t expecting.

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

A little boy wanted a bicycle for Christmas.

His mother said she didn’t have enough money to buy him a new bike but suggested that if he wrote to Jesus promising to be a good boy in the future, then maybe Jesus might be willing to get him one.

So the boy started writing out a letter. ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one year…’

He crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one month.’

Still, he wasn’t happy, so he crossed it out and wrote: ‘Dear Jesus, I promise to be good for one week.’

His head spun, he tore up the paper, and went for a walk.

As he passed the local church, he noticed a nativity scene.

When nobody was looking, he grabbed the figure of Mary, hid it under his coat, and ran home.

There he composed a new letter. ‘Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…’

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

“Hey Wilmer!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Wilmer answered. “But I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on.” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbour said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

Wilmer replied, “Under the wagon.”

Ralph came home drunk one night,

slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being. An animal.”

Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the Hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”

“Never.” said Ralph.

“Well just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster, “It’s no big deal.”

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…

“RALPH wake up! You cr*pped the bed!”

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town.

His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet about it. He looks around at everyone and says loud and clear: “I will walk back into the bar to get myself another drink, and if I don’t see my horse right in front of the bar, I will have to do what I did in Texas a year ago after someone stole my horse. And trust me, I didn’t like what I had to do in Texas a year ago.”

After his confident speech, the man walked back into the bar. The townsfolk looked at each other in fear and got the horse back.

The cowboy finished his second drink and walked out of the bar, saddled the horse, but just before he left the bartender walked up to him and asked. “Hey, cowboy, we know that we got you your horse back, but do you mind telling us what you had to do a year ago in Texas?”

The cowboy looked at him with an iron gaze and responded: “I had to walk home.”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.

Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom. “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A newly wed couple were talking

A newlywed couple were talking.

Husband: “How many boyfriends did you have before marrying me?”

When his wife wasn’t answering, he said: “Don’t want to tell?”

Wife: “I’m still counting!!”

LOL!

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

A newly married couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days pass, and he comes home from work, his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think a new battery is needed. Could you change it for me? ”

He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.

The wife finds a leak in the roof.

She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed.

So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Two guys from Michigan d.ie and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens, and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”

The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice, snow, and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit.”

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and raises the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens, and hats.

The devil asks them again, “It’s hot down here, can’t you guys feel that?”

Again, the guys reply, “Well, like we told you yesterday, we’re from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy to warm up a little bit, you know.”

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.”

The two Michiganders reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.”

The devil is furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and the people are shivering so badly, that they are unable to wail, moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens, and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. “I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?”

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. “Well, don’t ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Two ladies swap ‘How I D.ied’ stories in heaven

Here’s how it went:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you d.ie?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy and finally d.ied a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I… d.ied of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started looking all over the house. I ran into the attic, searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and d.ied.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive!

Remember, laughter is the best medicine, so be sure to send this on to someone whose day you want to brighten!

A young woman was meeting her boyfriend’s parents for the first time, but unfortunately, she was suffering from a severely upset stomach.

As they all sat down at the dinner table, she felt the need to discreetly relieve some of the uncomfortable pressure. She decided to release a tiny bit of gas, hoping it would go unnoticed.

However, her “little” attempt resulted in a squeak that was audible enough for everyone at the table.

All heads turned, and the father looked first at her, then at the family dog, Max, lying on the floor behind her chair. With a stern voice, he said, “Max.”

Relieved, she thought, “This is perfect—they think it was the dog,” and everyone resumed eating.

Five minutes later, the pain returned, and she again felt the need to ease the pressure. This time, without shifting in her seat, she let out another fart, louder and more satisfying than the first.

Once again, everyone looked up, and the father, with more irritation in his voice, said, “MAX!” much to her silent delight.

Feeling significantly better but still not entirely relieved, the young woman decided to take a final, bold step to rid herself of the remaining discomfort. Brimming with confidence, she released a much louder and longer burst.

The entire table fell silent, eyes darting from one person to the next. The father slowly put down his fork, rose from his chair, glared at the dog, and shouted, “Max! For the love of God! Get away from there before she craps on you!!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married.

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about.

The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem.

His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast.

His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance.

The son thought about this and went along happily.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem

Her morning breath was horrid.

Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.

The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world.

The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea.

She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and not say a thing, go make breakfast, and then brush her teeth while the others are eating.

The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences.

One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing.

He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what’s wrong.

With a look of shock on his face, the young man says, “OH MY GOD! You’ve swallowed my sock!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!