Author: news

I was enjoying my food when a man entered the restaurant where I was eating with a briefcase.

I thought he was a politician as his dressing and pot belly portrayed it.

He walked and sat down as everybody looked at him.

Suddenly a woman came to him and started crying. She knelt down and told him that her children had died of hunger. This man opened the briefcase and gave this woman five thousand dollars. She jumped up and left the scene in happiness.

I was still watching when another man started crying and came to him. He knelt down and begged him that he needed money to establish a business. The rich man took out three hundred thousand dollars and gave the money to the poor guy.

This time I started murmuring and practicing on the lie I would blow to have my own national cake. I started crying and came to the man. I knelt down and heard, ‘Cut! Cut! Cut!’

I turned and saw the director of the movie laughing. Shame almost k*lled me.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.

It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.

She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!”

The waiter looks at her dryly and says

“Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?”

An 85-year-old woman named Doris went to the DMV to renew her driver’s license.

The clerk looked at her paperwork and said, “Ma’am, I see here that you haven’t had a single traffic violation in 65 years! That’s incredible!”

Doris beamed. “That’s right, young man! I’ve been driving since I was 20, and not once have I been pulled over, had an accident, or even gotten a parking ticket.”

The clerk was impressed. “Well, that’s quite an achievement. But given your age, I have to ask—are you sure you still feel comfortable driving?”

Doris scoffed. “Of course! I drive every day. I take my friends to bingo, I go to the grocery store, and I even drove myself here! I may be 85, but I have the reflexes of a cat and the vision of an eagle.”

The clerk nodded and handed her a vision test. “Alright, let’s just check your eyesight.”

Doris put on her thick glasses and peered into the vision machine. “Oh yes, I see it! There’s a big ‘E’ at the top, then an ‘F’ and a ‘P’…”

The clerk smiled. “Great! Now, can you read the second row?”

Doris squinted. “Hmm… I see a ‘Q’… or maybe an ‘O’? No, wait! It’s a bicycle!”

The clerk frowned. “Ma’am… there are only letters on the chart.”

Doris waved a hand. “Oh, I know! But at my age, I’ve learned to predict traffic signs. If there’s an ‘O’ and a ‘P’ together, that usually means ‘STOP’! And if there’s a ‘Q,’ it means I should slow down because I’m probably about to miss my turn.”

The clerk hesitated but decided to continue. “Alright, let’s move on to reaction time. I’m going to tap the desk, and when I do, I want you to clap your hands as fast as possible.”

Doris nodded eagerly.

The clerk tapped the desk.

Doris sat still.

The clerk tapped it again.

Still nothing.

Finally, after a full 30 seconds, Doris clapped her hands together.

The clerk raised an eyebrow. “Uh… was there a delay?”

Doris chuckled. “No, dear, I was just finishing my sip of tea first. You should never rush a good Earl Grey.”

The clerk sighed. “Ma’am, I’m really not sure—”

Just then, another DMV worker burst into the room. “Oh, thank goodness you’re here, Mrs. Doris! Your car is blocking four spaces, there’s a shopping cart wedged under your bumper, and your left blinker has been on for 20 minutes.”

Doris gasped. “Oh, my! That must have been someone else’s car!”

The worker shook his head. “Ma’am, it’s a bright pink Cadillac with a ‘Bingo Queen’ bumper sticker and a bobblehead of Betty White on the dashboard.”

Doris thought for a moment. “Hmm… alright, maybe that was me. But in my defense, parking lots are confusing at my age! I remember when they were just dirt and horse hitching posts!”

The clerk took a deep breath. “Ma’am… I think it might be time to consider giving up driving.”

Doris leaned in with a smirk. “Young man, I will stop driving the day I can’t remember where I put my keys.”

The worker shook his head. “Ma’am, your keys are in your hand.”

Doris laughed. “Well, then I guess I’m still good to go!”

And with that, she shuffled out the door, got in her car, and promptly drove off—with her left blinker still flashing.

An elderly woman named Doris got on a crowded city bus with her cane in one hand and a big shopping bag in the other.

She looked around for a seat, but the bus was packed.

She spotted a young man sitting comfortably near the front, headphones in, staring at his phone. Doris tapped him on the knee with her cane.

The young man looked up. “Yes?”

Doris smiled sweetly. “Young man, would you be kind enough to let an old lady sit down?”

The young man sighed, took out one earbud, and said, “Sorry, lady, but I’m young and healthy. I need my seat just as much as you do.” Then he put his earbud back in and went back to scrolling.

Doris just nodded and said, “Oh, I see. Alright then.”

A few moments later, the bus driver slammed on the brakes to avoid a squirrel crossing the road. The young man, caught off guard, went flying forward and landed face-first in an older woman’s shopping bag filled with cabbages.

Doris calmly sat down in the now-empty seat, adjusted her coat, and muttered, “See? That’s what happens when you don’t respect your elders.”

The rest of the bus burst into applause.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An Old Woman Walked Into A Supermarket.

The old lady is in the supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the manager asks if he can help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

He informs her that they are out of stock, and she leaves.

An hour later she is back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor, the irate manager asks again if he can help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

Once again he informs her that they are out of stock.

15 mins before closing, she comes stalking straight to the frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out, the very irritated manager asks can I help.

“I’m looking for Broccoli.”

The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dogmore.

She says yes ”DOG.”

“Very good, can you spell Cat in Catsdelight.”

She says “CAT.”

“Very good, now can you spell F in Broccoli.”

She says, ”there’s no F in Broccoli.“

“Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep.

Since the force of these thunderous slams was enough to wake up almost everyone around him, and this was a family complex no less, the neighbors decided to go to his house and confront him about this one morning.

“Mr. General Sir, thank you for your service to our country, and we welcome you to our apartment complex.”

“Thank you”

“Sir, we realize that serving the country for so long can really take a toll on someone, and we want you to enjoy your retirement…”

“Okay?”

“But, sir, can you please, kindly, not slam your boots down in the middle of the night once you return home on the weekends? It’s waking us and our kids up.”

“Oh! I didn’t know that. I am sorry for waking all of you up like that, how stupid of me, it won’t happy again.”

“Thank you so much, sir”

The next weekend the General returns home drunk and sits on his bed. He removes his left boot and slams it on the floor; removes his right boot and- “Wait a minute… this is what they were talking about, isn’t it?” he says to himself in his drunken stupor. He gently places the right boot next to the left one and goes to bed.

An hour or so later the General wakes up to the sounds of the doorbell ringing continuously and heavy knocking on his door. He gets up, waddles over to the door and opens it to find a group of his neighbors standing outside in their nightclothes –

“SIR! Can you please just slam the other boot already so we can all get some sleep!!?”

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.

McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: ‘So how are your men?’ ‘Very well-trained, Gen McKenzie!’

‘I hope so. My men over at the Navy are so well-trained that they’re the bravest of men in the whole country.’ ‘Well, my men are very brave, too.’ ‘I’d like to see that.’

So Marshall calls Private Cooper and says: ‘Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!’ ‘Are you crazy? I’m out of here!’

As Private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: ‘You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.’

Don’t Mess with Seniors—They’ve Seen It All!

Two young businessmen in Florida were taking a break in their soon-to-open store at the mall. The place was still empty, with just a few shelves and display racks set up.

One of them chuckled and said, “I bet any second now, some old-timer is gonna walk by, press his face against the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, moments later, a senior gentleman strolled up, peered through the glass, and knocked. Then, in a loud voice, he asked, “What are y’all sellin’ here?”

One of the young men, feeling a little cheeky, replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without missing a beat, the old man shot back, “Well, business must be good—you’ve only got two left!”

Lesson learned: never underestimate a senior! 

Four buddies went on a deer hunting trip and had to bunk two to a room. The problem? Nobody wanted to share a room with Daryl—his snoring was legendary. They decided it wasn’t fair to make just one guy suffer the whole trip, so they agreed to take turns.

The first night, the unlucky draw went to Jim. The next morning, he staggered into breakfast looking like he’d spent the night wrestling a bear—hair wild, eyes bloodshot, hands shaking.

“Man, what happened to you?” the others asked.

“Daryl snores so loud, I just sat up and watched him all night,” Jim groaned.

The second night, it was Mike’s turn. By morning, he stumbled into breakfast looking even worse—like he’d aged ten years overnight.

“Dude, you okay?” the others asked, concerned.

“Man, that guy shakes the walls! I didn’t sleep a second—I just sat up and watched him all night.”

Then came Frank’s turn. Frank was a big, burly ex-football player—tough as nails, scared of nothing. The next morning, he strolled into breakfast looking fresh as a daisy, whistling a happy tune.

The others gawked at him. “Wait… what happened?! How are you so rested?”

Frank grinned. “Well, we got ready for bed, I tucked Daryl in nice and snug, patted his butt, and gave him a little goodnight kiss.”

He paused for effect.

“Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

A happily married couple had only one major issue in their relationship: the husband’s morning routine of farting like a foghorn. Every day, his wife would wake up to the thunderous blasts, gasping for air as the noxious fumes made her eyes water.

“Please, for the love of all things holy, STOP!” she begged him daily.

“I can’t help it,” he’d say. “It’s totally natural!”

She warned him, “One day, you’re going to blow your guts out.”

The years rolled by, and so did his morning explosions. Then came Christmas morning. As the wife was preparing the turkey, she stared at the pile of innards—gizzard, liver, neck, and all—and a brilliantly wicked idea struck her.

She crept upstairs, where her husband was still snoozing, gently pulled back the covers, and ever so carefully tipped the entire bowl of turkey guts into his underwear before tucking him back in.

A while later, the house shook with his usual morning eruption—only this time, it was followed by a bloodcurdling scream. The sound of frantic footsteps pounded toward the bathroom.

The wife collapsed on the floor, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.

Twenty minutes later, the husband emerged, pale as a ghost, in his now blood-streaked underwear. His face was a mask of horror.

Trying to keep a straight face, his wife asked, “What happened?”

He gulped. “Honey… you were right. All these years, you warned me, but I never listened.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, barely holding it together.

“Well… it finally happened. I farted my guts out.” He shuddered, then added, “But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers… I think I got most of them back in.”

A boy, his father, and his mother are having dinner, but the boy refuses to eat his broccoli.

“Eat your broccoli!” says the mother.

“No!” the boy shouts defiantly.

The father leans in, whispers something in the boy’s ear, and just like that, the boy gulps down his broccoli and hurries off to his room.

Curious, the mother asks, “What did you tell him?”

“I told him that if he didn’t eat his broccoli, his mickey wouldn’t grow.”

Without hesitation, the mother stands up and slaps the father—hard.

Shocked, the man rubs his cheek. “What was that for?!”

“For NOT eating your broccoli when you were a child!”

Tom Reynolds boarded his flight to Chicago and made his way to the aisle seat he had reserved. To his surprise, a blonde woman was already sitting there.

“Excuse me,” Tom said, trying to stay polite. “That’s my seat. I specifically booked it.”

The woman looked up and said confidently, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in Chicago.”

Tom frowned and checked her ticket. Sure enough, it clearly showed she was assigned the middle seat.

“Your ticket says you’re in the middle,” he pointed out. “I booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five, and I need the legroom. You’re, what, five-foot-one? You’ll be just fine in the middle seat.”

The blonde, completely unfazed, repeated, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in Chicago.”

The woman in the window seat chimed in, “You should probably move. My ex was only six-foot-one, and he always needed the aisle seat to avoid feeling cramped.”

Still, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in Chicago.”

Frustrated, Tom finally called over a flight attendant. After listening to the situation, the attendant nodded, leaned down, and whispered something in the blonde’s ear.

Suddenly, the blonde’s expression changed. Without a word, she grabbed her things and moved to the middle seat.

Relieved, Tom settled into his aisle seat.

After landing in Chicago, curiosity got the better of him. He approached the flight attendant and asked, “What did you say to her?”

The attendant grinned. “I told her the aisle seat wasn’t going to Chicago.”

Fred and Mary got married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they spent their first night at Fred’s parents’ house.

The next morning, little Johnny, Fred’s kid brother, sat down for breakfast. As he grabbed his backpack, he asked, “Mom, are Fred and Mary up yet?”

“No,” she replied.

Johnny smirked. “Do you know what I think—”

His mom cut him off. “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

At lunchtime, Johnny came home and asked again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

“No.”

Johnny grinned. “Do you know what I think—”

His mom groaned. “Enough, Johnny! Eat your lunch and get back to school.”

After school, Johnny walked in and asked one more time, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

His mom sighed. “Fine, Johnny. What do you think?”

Johnny shrugged. “Well… last night, Fred came to my room looking for the Vaseline… and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”