As they got older, everyone quickly realized that Jackson was very sharp, while Blake was about as sharp as a spoon. They were both loved very much and cared for. As time went by, the father got sick and eventually passed away.
Jackson called his brother on the phone and told him: “Listen, I have an enormously important business meeting I must attend, but I will get on the first flight home. Here are my credit card details, please make sure dad looks his best and gets everything money can buy for his funeral, spare no expense!”
He wasn’t sure this was a great idea, given that Blake was… well, Blake, but he had no one else to call.
Surprisingly, Blake took care of everything, and did it with a rather decent budget. Jackson was pleasantly surprised and the funeral went well, if a sad and emotional affair for all.
A few months later Jackson calls Blake again. “Listen,” he says. “I don’t want to make accusations or nothin’, but could it be that you are still using my card for about $300 dollars every month? I can see it here on my credit report.”
“Of course not!” said Blake, insulted. “I would never steal from you, you know that!”
“Yea, I do.” Said Jackson, “But how do you explain these?”
“Oh,” said Blake, “I bet those are for dad’s tux. You said you wanted him to look his best so I rented the most expensive suit in town!”
A woman takes her little boy to visit their dead relatives’ gravestones at a cemetery.
The little boy has never been to a cemetery before. The woman first takes her son her grandmother Annie’s gravestone.
The initials under Annie’s name say R.I.P. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.P. stand for?”
His mother replies, “It stands for ‘Rest in Peace.’ That means we wish for Grandma Annie’s spirit to find peace in the afterlife.”
Then, they come across the gravestone of the woman’s uncle Joe. The little boy asks, “Mommy, what does R.I.H. stand for?”, pointing to the initials printed under Uncle Joe’s name.
“We really didn’t like Uncle Joe.” Said his mother.
Margaret was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She went to the undertaker’s to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment.
Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.
She said to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied.
The wife smiled at the man.
He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you”.
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bygoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him”.
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
A police officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.
Q: “Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No, sir! But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer, who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender! Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir, with my life!”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer: Do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes, sir, I do!”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes, sir!”
Q: “Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with the same officers?”
A: “You see, sir, we share the building with the Court Complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom exploded with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
An elderly woman visited a store and requested seven kilograms of potatoes.
The owner was delighted to help and started packing the potatoes. However, the woman stopped him and requested that each potato be wrapped individually. The man complied and asked if there was anything else he could help with.
The woman then requested four kilograms of onions to be wrapped in a similar manner. The shop owner packed the onions and asked if there was anything else.
The woman requested seven kilograms of carrots.
“Let me guess,” said the owner with a sour face, “you want them wrapped individually.”
“Oh, that would be grand.” she said.
The shop owner fulfilled her request and packed all her items in a bag.
The woman then asked: “What are in those crates behind you?”
The man flushed red and said “Madam, these are grapes and they are not for sale!”
A husband and wife were walking down
a high street when the wife spots a beautiful diamond necklace in a jewelry store window.
She urges her husband to go inside so that she can take a look at it. Although she wants it, he simply doesn’t have to buy it for her, but he promises that it’ll be hers one day.
A month passes, and the wife is at home wondering where on earth her husband is.
She angrily calls his cell phone. “Where the hell are you?” she asks.
“Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, and I said ‘Baby it’ll be yours one day’?”
“Yeah, I remember that my love!” she replies, smiling and blushing profusely as she does.
“I’m in the bar just next to that.”
Eggplants for sale
A grocer put up a sign that read: “Eggplants: 25 cents each or three for a dollar.”
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”
Meekly, the grocer packaged four eggplants for each customer that complained. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer: “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”
“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
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When we speak of Hollywood lovebirds who prove wrong the theory that celebs don’t stay together for long, the first couple that comes to mind are Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel. They have been together for many years and both believe that the key to long lasting relationship is that they have never tied the knot.
“We have done just perfectly without marrying. I already feel devoted, and isn’t that what marriage is supposed to do?” Goldie told Woman’s Day in 2007.
Kurt and Goldie first met on the set of The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band in 1966. Back then, however, it seemed there was no chemistry between them, probably because of the fact that Goldie was 21 and Kurt was still a teenager. From that movie on, both went on to have extremely successful careers.
Aaron Rapoport/Corbis/Getty Images
“I thought he was adorable, but he was much too young,” Goldie said. “Then, years later we met up again, and I remembered that I liked him very much when I first met him. We both said we would never go out with another actor so it just shows you never can tell.”
Years later, during the filming of Swing Shift together, they both knew that was it. They were simply meant for each other.
This time, the charming and handsome Russell tried to impress Hawn with the pick-up line: “Man, you’ve got a great figure.”
“I was severely hungover and I didn’t know Goldie at all outside of having worked with her those many years before,” Russell said in a 2017 interview with Conan O’Brien.
“I just didn’t have in my mind what I was going to see, and she had a great body. So the first thing that came out was, ‘Man, you’ve got a great figure.’ It came out quickly and it could’ve gone wrong, and she said, ‘Why thank you.’”
Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for Netflix
At the time, Goldie had two children from her marriage with Bill Hudson. Her son Oliver was born in 1976, and her daughter Kate was born in 1979.
When they celebrated their 40th anniversary together, Kurt told People, “For people like us, the marriage certificate wasn’t going to create anything that otherwise we wouldn’t have,” adding “I don’t know – 40 years isn’t enough to finally say, ‘Well I guess…’”
Goldie added: “Our children got married … Oliver’s very happily married and Wyatt’s very happily married. Katie got married once and that didn’t work, and she’s with this most amazing human and I don’t know if she’ll marry again. The point is that we all tried marriage and sometimes marriage doesn’t work.
“It’s not about the marriage. It’s about the people and the relationship, and the will to stay together. And that’s a big one because if you want it, you can have it. You’ve got to give things up, but the joy and the excitement of being together and touching the toes of somebody at night is really a nice feeling.”
Shutterstock/Featureflash Photo Agency
Today, Goldie and Kurt are not only proud parents of their children they have from previous relationships, but proud grandparents too. They have six grandchildren and love spending time with them and spoiling them. In fact, the couple shares plenty of photos of the little ones and each of them shows just how much love these two have for their grandchildren.
Their grandchildren don’t call them grandma and grandpa but Gogo and Gogi, and we believe that’s very sweet and special.
Oliver Hudson and Kate Hudson, Goldie’s children, both acknowledged Russel as the father figure in their life and even consider him a real dad.
“He was around when [my brother, Oliver Hudson, and I] were young, it sort of teetered out,” famous actress Kate Hudson told Closer Weekly, speaking about her estranged father. Further, she pointed to him as the reason why the relationships in her own life were as they were. “I think that’s like the age-old psychological core issue for any situation. Anybody who has had an experience with a parent that is absent, it’s going to manifest.”
Russell, unlike Bill, has always been there for Goldie’s children whom he considers his own, and Kate and Oliver never miss the chance to thank him for everything he has done for them over the years.
Actors Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn, Oliver Hudson and his sister Kate Hudson pose at the post-premiere party for “Dark Blue” on Febraury 12, 2003 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
Besides being very much in love, Goldie and Russel decided not to marry and speaking with Cosmopolitan Magazine, as quoted by the Associated Press, back in 1986, Goldie explained the reason behind this decision saying that for her marriage is “ridiculous.”
“We’re very happy,” she said, expecting her third child at the time.
“The child is getting the name Hawn Russell. The kids are happy, and Kurt brought me a beautiful ring to symbolize our love.”
“Actually, owning a home, splitting down the middle – none of that really matters. You have to negate it and move on,” she added. “Otherwise, what are you investing in? Concepts, but concepts are broken with the snap of a finger. That’s why I think marriage is ridiculous.”
What we like about these two is that they never miss a chance to remind one another why they love each other so much. For her 60th birthday, Kurt organized a family trip to Tahiti.
“It’s always so much fun when we all meet up. We are very, very close and see each other as often as we can,” Goldie told the site Now To Love.
Shutterstock/Kathy Hutchins
When they received their stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Goldie and Kurt shared a passionate kiss in front of their stars and the photo made headlines all for the right reasons.
Even experts agree that these two share a special form of love.
“Goldie and Kurt walk in unison which tells us that they are also in sync with one another on an emotional level,” said body expert Karen Donaldson.
Speaking of their photos in which they always hold hands, she added, “[It] tells us that they are affectionate towards each other. Plus, it helps that Kurt can’t keep his eyes off Goldie—a sign that he adores her.”
Shutterstock/Everett Collection
Now, Goldie revealed something more about their relationship. Speaking to People, she said that Russell compliments her very often.
“The other night we were going to go have dinner. He looks at me and goes, ‘You’re unbelievable,’” she revealed. “He said ‘I cannot believe how [beautiful] you look.’ He really appreciates that. It is really good combination,” she added.
Goldie’s daughter, actress Kate Hudson admires her mother’s relationship and describes it as “the goal.”
“You and Pa have been together for so long and sometimes I look at it and I’m like, How do you guys do it?’” she told People. “I’m still working on that.”
Shutterstock/Featureflash Photo Agency
I don’t think there is a more beautiful love story in Hollywood than that of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” Asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A man and his wife check into a hotel.
The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look, lie here on the bed and you’ll be thrown right to the floor!” she tells him, So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “what are you doing here?!”
The manager calmly replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks, they came back and finally opened all the presents they had received from friends and family. Since this was a new house, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a very popular show. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the host. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them?”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said,”No.”
Jerry said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Jerry said, “Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad s**.”
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers,
They loaded up in Jack’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from…..” “Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
A reporter hears of a woman in his town that has the highest welfare payments, and he was curious as to why.
So he went to her house to interview her.
He got to a little house and after she opens, introduces himself and asks her, “How old are you?” He asked.
“27.” she said.
“And how many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“Wow, ok that explains a lot.” He said, taken a back.
“And what are their names?” he asked.
“Well there’s Bob, then there’s Bob, and Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, and of course Bob.”
“They’re ALL named Bob?” he asked, even more bewildered. “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she explained, “I just call ‘Bob,’ and they all come running inside.”
“And if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘Bob, come eat your dinner,’ and they do.” She answered.
“But what if you want just ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name.”
After getting my new job as a Walmart greeter, a great find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two children and yelled obscenities at them through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. You have nice children there. Are they twins?”
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Damn no, they’re not twins. The older 9 and the other 7. Why the hell do you think they’re twins? Are you blind or stupid?”
So I said, “I’m not blind or stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone s-lept with you twice. Have a nice day, and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
LOL!!
Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares.
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares.
As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him pass.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.
Still, no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home?!”
The kid replied, “She is, but this isn’t where I live.”
