Author: news

A cowboy, fresh from Texas, strolls into a bar in Montana and orders three mugs of Bud.

He heads to a corner, and takes a sip from each mug, one after the other, in turn.

Once he’s done, he returns to the bar and orders three more.

Curious, the bartender approaches him and says, “You know, beer goes flat pretty quick after it’s poured. It might taste better if you just ordered one at a time.”

The cowboy smiles and explains, “Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got two brothers—one in Arizona, the other in Colorado. When we all moved away from Texas, we promised that whenever we drank, we’d each have one for the others, just like we did back home. So, I’m drinking for my brothers and myself.”

The bartender nods, impressed by the sentiment, and leaves it at that.

The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers and sipping them in rotation.

One day, though, he walks in and only orders two mugs.

The regulars, noticing the change, go quiet.

When the cowboy returns to the bar for his second round, the bartender cautiously leans in and says, “I’m sorry for your loss. I just wanted to offer my condolences.”

The cowboy looks confused for a second, then bursts out laughing. “Oh no, no one’s passed away!” he chuckles.

“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking. But my brothers are still going strong!”

LOL!!

A general visits an army hospital to check on the conditions and inspire the troops.

Its WWIII, trench warfare is living hell, and the men could really use some inspiration. The general starts talking to the wounded soldiers.

He goes up to the first man and says: “What brings you in here son?”

The soldier replies: “sir, I got dysentery in the trenches, something awful.”
The general asks him: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my behind with a soft brush.”

The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the second man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?”

The soldier replies somewhat embarrassed: “Sir, I got gonorrhoea from a woman while I was on leave.”
The general laughs and says: “It happens to the best of us son, how are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my privates with a soft brush.”

The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “No sir, the nurses are doing the best they can.” The general once again seems satisfied, thanks him for his service and moves on to the next man.

The general approaches the third man’s bed and asks: “What brings you in here son?”

The soldier tells him: “sir, I got strep throat in the trenches.”
The general asks: “How are they caring for you in here?” and the soldier replies: “Well sir, every day the nurses put a cool cloth on my head and they clean my throat with a soft brush.”

The general asks: “Is there anything else we can do for you?” and the soldier says: “Actually sir, there is one thing… I’d like to be the first one to use the brush.”

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised in the newspaper for a certain price.
After telling the salesman which truck they wanted, they set down to do the paperwork.

The salesman handed the bill to the farmer, and the farmer declared, “This is not the price I saw!”

The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, power steering, special tires, etc,. and that was what took the price up. The farmer, who urgently needed the truck, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman phoned the farmer and said, “My son is in 4-H and needs a cow for a project. Do you have any to sell? ”

The farmer replied, “Yes, I have a few cows that I would sell for $500 a piece. Come see them and make your choice. ”

The salesman said he and his son would be there in a moment.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all of the farmer’s cows, the two decided to pick one, and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

The farmer said, “Now wait, that’s not the final price of the cow. You are getting extras with it, and you have to pay them too.”

“What extras?” asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:

BASIC COW – $500.00

Two-tone exterior – $45.00

Extra stomach – $75.00

Product storing equipment – $60.00

Straw compartment – $120.00

4 spigots @$10 each – $40.00

Leather upholstery – $125.00

Dual horns – $45.00

Automatic fly swatter – $38.00

Fertilizer attachment – $185.00

Grand Total – $1,233.00

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you”.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bygoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him”.

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Fishing,” replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.”

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, “So how many have you caught today?”

“You’re the eighth.” says the old man..

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her.

After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.

“NO WAY,” she exclaimed, “I almost got caught yesterday!”

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river – look, my suit’s still damp – ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

The candidate was interviewing for a job at a phone answer center

and was asked to make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.

After thinking about it for a couple of minutes, the reply was, “When the phone goes GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, I PINK up the phone and say YELLOW!”

She got the job.

A guy shows up late for work.

The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”

He replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?”

A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last wage packet.

“This is two hundred pounds short,” he says.

“I know,” says the employer. “But last week I overpaid you two hundred pounds, and you didn’t say anything.”

“Well,” says the worker. “I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”

In a cozy mobile home park in Florida, there lived an elderly widower and a widow who had known each other for many years.

One evening, they found themselves at a community dinner, seated across from each other at the same table in the activity center.

As the meal went on, he stole a few admiring glances her way. Finally, summoning his courage, he leaned forward and asked, “Will you marry me?”

After a brief, dramatic pause—six whole seconds of thoughtful silence—she replied, “Yes. Yes, I will.”

With smiles and a few more kind words, they finished their meal and eventually returned to their own homes.

But the next morning, he was struck with a troubling thought. Had she said “yes” or “no”? He simply couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he couldn’t recall her answer—not even a hint of memory.

Nervously, he picked up the phone and called her. Apologizing for his forgetfulness, he explained how he struggled to remember things these days. Then, after a little buildup, he asked, “When I proposed last night, did you say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”

She answered with a warm laugh, “Why, I said ‘Yes, yes, I will,’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then, with a touch of relief, she added, “And I’m so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

LOL!! SO CUTE!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An old man placed an order for one hamburger

An elderly couple entered a restaurant and ordered a single meal which consisted of a hamburger, french fries, and a single drink.

When the meal arrived, the man cut the hamburger in half and placed one part of it in front of his wife.

He then did the same with the french fries and placed the drink in between.

They both took sips one by one.

While the man had his piece of the hamburger, his wife was just sitting there watching him eat.

A man who noticed them decided to approach them and offered to buy them another meal, but the elderly man said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As he continued eating, his wife was patiently waiting and was taking sips now and then.

The man who was at the restaurant approached them once again and offered to at least buy them another drink.

The elderly man refused once again saying that he and his wife share everything.

Finally, when the husband finished eating and wiped his mouth, the man who was observing them approached them for the third time because he couldn’t help but learn why the woman was waiting for her husband to eat.

He got closer and asked her: “What is that you are waiting for?”

The wife replied, “The TEETH.”

Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, strolls into the Country Club with a stunning 25-year-old woman by his side.

Her beauty and charm leave everyone in the room speechless. She clings to Bob’s arm, hanging on his every word as if he’s the most fascinating man in the world.

His buddies at the club are in shock. They pull him aside and ask, “Bob, how’d you land a girlfriend like that?”

Bob grins and says, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

His friends are floored but can’t resist asking, “How on earth did you convince her to marry you?”

Bob leans in with a sly smile and says, “I lied about my age.”

They nod knowingly. “Ah, you told her you were 50?”

Bob chuckles and replies, “Nope, I told her I was 90.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A Young Man Asked a Rich Old Man

A young man asked a rich old man how he made his money.

“Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last $10.

I invested that $10 in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for $20.

The next morning, I invested that $20 in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for $30 each.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fair fortune for back then…..

Then my wife’s father died and left us two $2 million dollars!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Two men are walking through the woods and come across a big, deep hole.

“Wow, that looks deep,” one says.

The other nods. “Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in. They wait to hear a noise but there’s nothing so they decide to throw some larger rocks down to see how deep it is. They toss them in but again there is no noise.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says: “Hey there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss it in it has to make some noise.”

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. It leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and runs over.

“Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”

“You bet we did! Craziest thing I’ve ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”

“Oh no,” says the farmer. “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, “Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.

One asks the other, “Do you recall your worst day last year?”

The other responds, “Yes, the day I had diarrhea!”

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asked his assistant.

“He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn’t find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives”.

“You idiot” said the pharmacist “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives”.

“Of course you can” the assistant replied “Look at him… he is too afraid to cough now!!”

A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.

The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot. So the little lizard climbed up the tree. The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint. The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth. Well there is a river just down there.

So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water. All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water. Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, “I just got stoned with my pal the monkey.”

“Really” said the croc, “where is he I want some.” He is through the brush and up the tree. So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.

The monkey said “holy shit how much did you drink little buddy.”

A woman is being hounded by her family to put up Christmas decorations, so she heads to the local store in search of Christmas lights.

Upon arrival, the store assistant shows the woman the top brand of Christmas lights.

“These are our top selling Christmas lights this year,” he tells her.

“That’s great, but I need to make sure every light bulb works before I make a purchase,” she demands. “Please plug them in so I can see.”

The store assistant opens the box, untangles the lights and plugs them in. To the customer’s delight, every colourful bulb lights up.

The man behind the counter unplugs the lights and carefully places them back in the box. He then goes to scan the item before the lady starts kicking off.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” she says. “I don’t want this box. I want one that hasn’t been opened.”

One day Dan asks Bob, “So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”

Then Bob says to Dan, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”

Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!

Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”

Nothing would please me more!

Husband: “Soon we will be married for 10 years. I will get you a nice new car for our anniversary.”

Wife: “Oh darling. Nothing would please me more!”

And so the husband got her nothing for the anniversary.

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office.

A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.

On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted: “Are those potato chips?”

A tightwad was looking for a gift to give a friend.

Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase it for almost nothing.

He asked the store to send it hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time he received a note: “Thanks for the vase,” it read. “It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”