A woman is sitting bed with her lover

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh, it’s a statue,’ she replied.

‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here, have this’ he gives the sandwich and beer to the statue.

Then he said to the statue: ‘I stood like that for two days at the Smiths’ house and nobody offered me anything!!’

If you enjoyed this story, you should check out this one too, which I came across on another site a while ago.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”

The Mysterious Gift on the Bus

I pulled the object out of my pocket, my heart pounding. It was an old, weathered locket, cool against my skin. The metal was tarnished, but I could see faint engravings on its surface. My fingers trembled as I pried it open.

Inside was a tiny photograph—faded, but still clear enough to make out the faces. A young woman, her eyes bright with happiness, cradling a newborn baby in her arms. The baby had a birthmark on its tiny wrist… the same one I had.

A cold chill ran down my spine.

I turned to call after the woman, but she was gone. The bus had already pulled away from her stop, leaving me gripping the locket like it held the answers to a lifetime of questions.

The old woman… who was she? And why did she give this to me?

A Mystery from the Past
I sat there, my breath shaky, my mind racing. I had been adopted as a baby. My parents had always been open about it, but I never knew anything about my birth mother. Had this woman—this frail, elderly woman I had just given my seat to—been someone from my past?

I traced my fingers over the image again, searching for familiarity. The woman in the picture didn’t look exactly like me, but there was something about her eyes. A softness. A sadness.

Was she… my mother?

I needed answers.

The Search Begins
That night, I couldn’t sleep. My husband, Mark, noticed my restlessness.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, voice groggy.

I hesitated before showing him the locket.

“An old woman gave this to me on the bus today,” I whispered. “And I think… I think she might be my mother.”

Mark sat up instantly. “Wait, what? Who was she?”

“I don’t know.” My voice cracked. “She was just… there. Staring at me. And when she left, she slipped this into my pocket.”

Mark took the locket and examined it closely. “This is old. Maybe decades old.” He pointed to the engraving on the back—Forever in my heart.

We sat in silence, the weight of the mystery pressing down on us.

“There has to be a way to find her,” Mark finally said.

I nodded. “And I have to try.”

Following the Clues
The next morning, I went to the bus station, hoping someone might have seen her before. I described her to the driver from my route—a small woman, frail, gray hair in a neat bun, wearing a deep blue coat.

The driver thought for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah, I’ve seen her before. She takes this route almost every Sunday. Usually gets off at the nursing home on Maple Street.”

My heart pounded. Could she be living there?

A Life-Changing Reunion
I went to the nursing home that afternoon, locket clutched tightly in my hand. The receptionist greeted me warmly, but I barely heard her as I scanned the room. And then… I saw her.

She was sitting by a window, hands folded in her lap, looking out like she was waiting for someone.

I hesitated, then took a deep breath and walked over.

“Excuse me,” I said softly.

She turned, her eyes widening in recognition.

“You came,” she whispered, her voice trembling.

Tears filled my eyes. “Who are you?”

She gestured for me to sit, her hands shaking as she reached for mine.

“My name is Eleanor,” she said. “And… I’m your grandmother.”

A sob caught in my throat.

“My grandmother?” I echoed.

She nodded. “I lost my daughter—your mother—a long time ago. She was so young, too young. She gave you up because she wanted you to have a better life than she could give. But she never stopped loving you.”

Tears streamed down my face.

“She’s gone?” I whispered.

Eleanor nodded, her own eyes brimming with sorrow. “She passed away ten years ago. But she always carried this locket. She made me promise… that if I ever found you, I’d give it to you.”

I clutched the locket to my chest, overwhelmed.

“I didn’t know,” I choked out.

“I know, sweetheart,” Eleanor said softly. “But you do now.”

A New Beginning
That day, I left the nursing home with a heart full of emotions I couldn’t even put into words. I had lost a mother I never knew, but I had found a grandmother I never expected.

And in my pocket, the locket no longer felt like a mystery.

It felt like a piece of home.

A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the headwaiter one morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile.

“What a wonderful morning I`d like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked it`s runny, and the other so over cooked it s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That`s a complicated order Sir,” said the bewildered waiter, “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied, “Oh? I don t understand what is the problem in that, that`s what I got yesterday!”

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

She was still feeling bloated from lunch, so she was fearful of farting in front of her date, who hadn’t arrived yet.

It wasn’t long before she actually did let one out, but she managed to cover up the sound with a fake cough.

She continued waiting for her date to arrive, but wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands “Stop that!”

The waiter looks at her dryly and says

“Certainly, madam. Which way was it headed?”

A lady walks into Harrods.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss

Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her.

After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS.

Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

An elderly couple strolled back into a Mercedes dealership

An elderly couple strolled back into a Mercedes dealership, their eyes set on the luxury car they had been saving up for.

But as they approached, their hearts sank—the car they wanted was no longer on display.

The elderly man walked up to the grinning salesman and said, “I thought you promised to hold that car until we raised the $75,000 asking price?”

The salesman’s smile widened as he gestured toward a glamorous young woman across the showroom. “Well, what can I say? She just bought it—for $65,000, in fact.”

The old man’s brow furrowed. “$65,000? You told us there were no discounts on that model!”

The salesman smirked and shrugged. “She had the cash ready, and just look at her. How could I say no?”

Before the elderly couple could respond, the young woman sauntered over to them, her heels clicking confidently on the polished floor. She held out the keys to the car with a sly grin.

“There you go,” she said, handing them to the elderly man. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”

She winked and added, “See you later, Grandpa.”

With that, she turned and walked away, leaving the salesman completely stunned and the elderly couple smiling triumphantly.

Moral of the story? Never mess with the wisdom and wits of the elderly!

A man named Jack walks into Bob’s Stables to buy a new horse.

A man named Jack walks into Bob’s Stables to buy a new horse.

“Listen here,” says Bob, the owner.

“I have exactly the horse you are looking for. The only thing is he was trained by an interesting guy. He doesn’t stop and goes the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to yell ‘HEY HEY!’, and the way to get him to go is by yelling ‘Thank God!’”

Jack nodded his head. “Fine with me. Can I take him for a test run?”

Bob agrees.

A few minutes later, Jack is having the time of his life, thinking to himself that the horse sure could run fast.

As he speeds down a dirt road, he panics as he realizes there’s a cliff-edge fast approaching.

“Stop!” Jack shouts, to no avail.

He remembers what he has to say to make the horse stop just five feet from the edge and yells: “HEY HEY!”

The horse skids to a halt, with just an inch to spare before a sheer drop of hundreds of feet.

Breathless, Jack looks over the cliff edge in disbelief at his good fortune.

He looks up to the sky, raises his hands in the air, and breathes a deep sigh of relief.

“Oh,” he says, relieved. “Thank God!”

An 82-year-old husband and his 80-year-old wife went to a restaurant for breakfast

An 82-year-old husband and his 80-year-old wife went to a restaurant for breakfast, where the ‘seniors’ special’ included two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $2.99.

“That sounds good,” said the wife.

“Only, I don’t want the eggs,” the husband added.

The waitress frowned. “If you skip the eggs, it’ll be $3.49 since you’re ordering a la carte.”

“Wait a minute,” the wife said, surprised. “You’re charging us extra just for *not* taking the eggs?”

“Exactly,” the waitress replied.

“Fine, I’ll take the special,” the wife said with a sly smile.

“How would you like your eggs?” asked the waitress.

“Raw and in the shell,” the wife answered.

Later, she took the eggs home and baked a cake.

**Moral of the Story:** Don’t mess with seniors! 😊

Tim decided to marry his long-time girlfriend.

Tim decided to marry his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, not long after their honeymoon, he was busy organizing his golf equipment.

His wife stood nearby, quietly observing him.

After a lengthy silence, she finally spoke:

“Tim, I’ve been thinking. Now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you gave up golfing. You spend so much time at it, and you could probably sell your clubs for a good price.”

Tim froze, a horrified expression spreading across his face.

Alarmed, she asked, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“For a moment there, you sounded just like my ex-wife,” he said.

“Ex-wife?!” she exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were married before!”

“I wasn’t,” Tim replied.

LOL!!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple decided to stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple decided to stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they got back in the car and resumed their journey.

It wasn’t until they had been driving for about forty minutes that the elderly woman realized she had left her glasses on the table at the diner.

She informed her husband, and to their frustration, they had to drive quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

As they headed back to the diner to retrieve the glasses, the elderly husband transformed into the quintessential grouchy old man.

He fussed, complained, and scolded his wife nonstop during the entire drive back.

The more he griped, the more agitated he became, refusing to let up for even a moment.

Finally, to the elderly woman’s relief, they arrived back at the diner.

She quickly got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses.

Just as she was about to enter, the old man rolled down his window and called out, “While you’re in there, you might as well grab my hat and the credit card!”