There were three men at a bar.
One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.
The next day the man went before the judge.
The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”
Dick Van Dyke, the cherished actor renowned for his iconic role in Mary Poppins, was compelled to evacuate his Malibu residence when severe wildfires encroached upon the area.
At the impressive age of 99, Van Dyke found himself in a dire situation as the flames rapidly approached his home in California’s Serra Retreat.
During an interview with Today, Van Dyke recounted the terrifying experience of trying to escape as the wildfire closed in. “It was coming over the hill. You [could] see it,” he described, vividly recalling the fire’s menacing advance toward his home.
Resolutely aiming to get to safety, Van Dyke attempted to crawl to his car, but found himself quickly running out of energy. “I had exhausted myself. I couldn’t get up.
And three neighbors came and carried me out,” he expressed, clearly appreciative of their prompt assistance. Not only did these neighbors help Van Dyke reach safety, but they also bravely fought the fire and managed to save his guest house from destruction.
A video taken during the evacuation captures Van Dyke stating he was “soaking wet” in his attempt to flee. Security cameras at his home captured these critical moments as Van Dyke, along with his wife Arlene and their pets, departed.
Amidst the chaos, Van Dyke made certain his friends and admirers were informed of his wellbeing through a Facebook post. “Arlene and I have safely evacuated with our animals except for Bobo, who escaped as we were leaving,” he expressed. “We’re praying he’ll be ok and that our community in Serra Retreat will survive these terrible fires.”
The wildfires began late Monday night, as part of the extensive Franklin Fire originating just north of Pepperdine University. By Tuesday, the wildfire had expanded across 2,800 acres, necessitating the evacuation of over 18,000 individuals and putting more than 8,000 structures in jeopardy. Sadly, the fire’s cause remains under investigation by Los Angeles County’s Fire and Sheriff’s arson teams.
Van Dyke’s escape from the fire is especially poignant as his contributions and life have been recently celebrated. His Malibu home was showcased in Coldplay’s music video for “All My Love,” affirming his enduring legacy in the entertainment world. In this reflective piece, Van Dyke shared profound thoughts on mortality, stating, “I’m not afraid of it. I have that feeling, totally against anything intellectual, that I’m going to be all right.”
Other prominent individuals in the area, like actress Mira Sorvino, singers Cher, and Barbra Streisand, also had to evacuate due to the fires threatening the neighborhood.
Messages of love and support flooded social media for Van Dyke, a symbol of resilience and optimism, who continues to uplift audiences with his enduring spirit. Although faced with a dangerous situation, Van Dyke’s priority remains his family, gratitude for assistance from others, and the kindness displayed within his community.
Even as the wildfires persist in threatening the region, Van Dyke’s escape story personifies both personal fortitude and the supportive nature of those around him during such trials.
MORNING CHUCKLE…
They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I had to leave them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.” There was a moment of silence.
I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.
” He retorted, “I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your damn car!”
Welcome to the GOLDEN YEARS
A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there’s something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you use to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
There was an Asian woman married to an English gentleman, and they lived in London.
She wasn’t very proficient in English but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real challenge came when she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. Not knowing how to ask, she became a bit flustered and gestured to her thighs.
The butcher understood and gave her the pork legs.
The next day, she needed chicken, but again, she didn’t know how to ask.
She unbuttoned her corset to show a little more, and the butcher understood, giving her the chicken.
On the third day, she needed sausages.
Unable to communicate again, she decided to bring her husband along.
Ps: What was she thinking? Her husband speaks English! 😅🤪🤪
Once, a husband came home late after drinking. He rang the bell.
Wife: “Where have you been this late? I’m not opening the door. You can sleep outside tonight.”
Nearby, there was a well.
Husband: “If you don’t open the door, I’ll jump into the well.”
Wife: “Do whatever you want, I won’t open the door.”
The husband picked up a big stone and threw it into the well. The wife quickly opened the door and rushed towards the well.
The husband entered the house and locked the door.
Wife: “Open the door, or I’ll shout and get people to gather here.”
Husband: “Let them gather. I’ll ask you in front of them where you’re coming from so late, dressed like that.”
Brian confided in his best friend Mike, “The spark is gone from my marriage.”
Mike suggested, “Why not spice things up and have an affair?”
Brian hesitated, “But what if my wife finds out?”
Mike replied, “It’s the modern era, Brian. Be honest with her!”
So, Brian went home and said, “Honey, I think an affair might bring us closer together.”
His wife responded, “Forget it. I’ve tried that before—it never worked.”
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Edna always replied, “I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, “Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
To this, Edna replied, “Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks repeatedly, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Buddy replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”
Two guys were roaring down a country road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over.
His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, “I can’t drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that.”
“Just put the jacket on backwards,” his friend advised.
They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police.
They asked him, “Are they showing any signs of life?”
“Well,” the farmer explained, “the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!”