Author: news

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy.

He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”

He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!”

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!”

He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?’”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!”

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.

On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, “There isn’t anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain.”

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious…!

“We can’t worship today. You do NOT yet believe,” he said.

“But,” they protested, “we prayed, and we do believe!”

“Believe???” he responded. “Then where are your umbrellas???”

Two Blondes were out hunting.

They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.

The first blonde says to the other, “If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.”

After about three hours, the second blonde finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits for an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.

The next morning, the first blonde finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second blonde if he did what he told him to do.

The blonde answers, “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.”

A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast done ‘my way.’

He says, “Can I get a full cooked breakfast, but I need it cooked my way?”

“Can I have bacon that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?”

“Can I have sausages that are so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof?”

“Can I have all the shell broken up through my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline?”

“Can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy, congealed slime?”

The girl behind the counter says, “Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?”

And the guy says, “You seemed to find the time yesterday.”

Three little boys were looking for a summer job.

Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.

So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, “How many bibles did you sell?”

The boy stood up and said, “35.”

“Is that all you sold?” the preacher asked.

“He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.

The boy said, “75.”

“That’s good,” the preacher replied. He didn’t want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, “I-I-I s-s-sold 175.”

The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.

He said, “I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them.”

This story is set during the early part of this century, when steam trains were still commonplace.

Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They`d never been on a train before, and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey.

The men bought their tickets and got on the train. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had bare wooden seats, and no lights. In spite of this, the two men began to quite enjoy the journey.

After half an hour or so, the two men decided to have an orange each. Just as the first man began to eat, the train entered a tunnel.

“Have you eaten your orange yet?” asked the first man.

“No,” said the second man.

“Well don`t touch it!” said the first man. “I took one bite and went blind!”

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

The man thought for a moment and answered, “274.”

The doctor rolls his eyes looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

The third man quickly answers, “Nine.”

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building.

When a young and beautiful woman walks into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: “Ralph Lauren’s “Romance”, $150 an ounce! ”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also looks very arrogantly turning to the old woman who says: “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.

Before leaving, she looks the two beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts, and says: “Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!”

LOL!!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.

As one of them left, he shook the minister’s hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, “Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein.”

Beaming with pride, the minister said, “Why, thank you, brother!”

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man’s compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday’s comment about the sermon.

The parishioner replied that he did.

The minister asked, “Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?”

The man replied, “Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you.”

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.”

The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.”

The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.”

The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”