Author: news

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed:

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister.” Said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been Saved.”
“Saved? And how did that come about?” Asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he?” Said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued. “And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” Said the old nun even more curiously.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old bastard.” Said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says,

“For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies,

“That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve never heard of her!”

“Me neither, but there’s an article here in the newspaper that says she had s*x with 5,000 men in just one year. So she must be amazing.”

The first man grabs the newspaper and reads the headline:

VIRGINIA PIPELINE LAID BY 5,000 MEN IN 12 MONTHS

A woman goes into a tackle shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A cashier is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.”

“It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted.

Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,…

“Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00,”…

“But the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.

The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said, “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.”

The blonde took another shot and bared the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.

The pro said, “That was excellent!! Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.

That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children…

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, “Thank God! They’re finally together!“

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means?

The first, second, or third?” The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit:
He asks the old biker his name.
“Fred.” He replies.
“Fred what?” The officer asks.
“Just Fred.” The old man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the old biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The old man tells him that he used to have a last name, but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while, I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! I got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing!

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
“Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The old biker replies.
“It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, and residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

A blonde enters a restaurant and goes straight to the bulletin board in the back.
On the board, she sees a piece of paper that reads “Ocean Cruise – Only $10”.

She pulls the piece of paper from the board and goes to the address listed on the back of it. She enters the building and hands the paper to the secretary who nods and asks the blonde if she has ten dollars. The blonde takes five dollars from her purse and gives it to the secretary.

The secretary then looks over to a burly guy reading a newspaper and nods to him. He stands up, walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.

When she wakes up, she finds that she’s tied to a log and is floating down the river. She starts to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. All of a sudden, she sees one of her blonde friends tied to a log floating right next to her.

“So, do you think they’re going to serve us some food on this trip?” the blonde asks her friend.

“They didn’t serve any last year!” her blonde friend replies.

An elderly couple, George and Mabel, had been married for over 60 years.
They’d been through wars, recessions, disco, and dial-up internet together.

Still madly in love—but in that grumbly, sarcastic way only old folks can pull off.

One sunny afternoon, they were out for a walk in the park. George was using his trusty cane, and Mabel had her big straw hat with a flower that looked like it’d been alive in the 80s.

As they passed a strange, mossy tree, something shiny caught George’s eye. He bent down (very slowly) and picked up what looked like an old lamp.

George: “Look at this, Mabel! It’s one of those genie things. I saw it on TV once.”

Mabel: “You’re gonna hurt your back playing Aladdin, George. Put that dirty thing down.”

But George, being stubborn, rubbed it anyway.

POOF! A genie burst out, swirling in smoke and sparkles. The old couple jumped back—George nearly fell, and Mabel swatted at the air with her handbag.

The genie stretched and yawned. “Whew! I’ve been in there since 1876. Okay, the rules are simple. I give each of you one wish. Only one. No funny business.”

George’s eyes lit up. “I wish… I wish we were on a tropical island with drinks in coconuts and no kids, no noise, no bills—just peace.”

POOF! Suddenly, they were on a beach. George was in a Hawaiian shirt two sizes too big, and Mabel had a flower in her hair, looking more confused than ever.

The genie turned to Mabel. “Your turn, dear.”

Mabel thought for a moment, then gave George a long side-eye.

Mabel: “I wish… that George were 30 years younger than me.”

George blinked. “Wait, wha—?”

POOF!

And just like that… George was a 98-year-old man.

Mabel cackled. “Finally! Now I can go dancing without you complaining about your knees!”

George sat in the sand, holding his cane and muttering, “This is why I never let her choose the movies.”

The genie disappeared, chuckling to himself, leaving behind two coconut drinks and one very salty old man.

An old Texas lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning,” the young man said, “if I could take a few minutes of your time, I would like to introduce you to the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners, straight from California.”

“Go away!” said the old lady, “I have no money for such things!” and she proceeded to close the door.

The young man quickly squeezed his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “At least wait until you’ve seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the rest, cross my heart.”

The old Texas lady stepped back and said, “Wait here while I go get a spoon. Hope you have got a darn good appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

More than he bargained for. That’s for sure!

If this story taught me anything, it’s that you don’t mess with Texas ladies – you might get more than what you bargained for!

LOL!!

Hope this joke makes you happy! Have a nice day!!!

Two Southern Belles were chatting on the porch of a grand white-pillared mansion.

The first lady said proudly, “When my first child was born, my husband built me this beautiful mansion.”

The second smiled and replied, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first continued, “When my second child was born, he bought me that fine Cadillac out front.”

Again, the second woman responded, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

“And when my third child was born,” the first said with a grin, “he gave me this dazzling diamond bracelet.”

The second lady, as always, replied sweetly, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

Curious now, the first woman asked, “What did your husband give you when you had your first child?”

With a sly smile, the second answered, “He sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school?! Land sakes, child—for what?”

The second lady leaned in and said, “So instead of saying ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!