Author: news

While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
“Come in,” he invited.

A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a goat on a rope, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” asked the man with his hat in his hand.

Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly. The goat proceeded to sniff around the office.

With one eye on the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow’s story, “What can I do for you?”

“My family is hungry,” started the man. “So I stole this goat. But I feel that I have sinned. Would you please take it?”

“Certainly not,” said the minister.

“Then what should I do with it?” asked the man.

“Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!” the pastor explained.

“I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?”

“In that case,” the minister said, “It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family.”

That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned.

“Thank you for your help, sir.”

With a lighter step, he walked out of the office, leading the goat on the rope behind him.

Later that afternoon when the minister returned home, he said to his wife as he walked in, “I have got a story to tell you.”

“I have something to tell you first,” she exclaimed. “Someone has stolen your goat!”

An 85-year-old woman named Doris went to the DMV to renew her driver’s license.
The clerk looked at her paperwork and said, “Ma’am, I see here that you haven’t had a single traffic violation in 65 years! That’s incredible!”

Doris beamed. “That’s right, young man! I’ve been driving since I was 20, and not once have I been pulled over, had an accident, or even gotten a parking ticket.”

The clerk was impressed. “Well, that’s quite an achievement. But given your age, I have to ask—are you sure you still feel comfortable driving?”

Doris scoffed. “Of course! I drive every day. I take my friends to bingo, I go to the grocery store, and I even drove myself here! I may be 85, but I have the reflexes of a cat and the vision of an eagle.”

The clerk nodded and handed her a vision test. “Alright, let’s just check your eyesight.”

Doris put on her thick glasses and peered into the vision machine. “Oh yes, I see it! There’s a big ‘E’ at the top, then an ‘F’ and a ‘P’…”

The clerk smiled. “Great! Now, can you read the second row?”

Doris squinted. “Hmm… I see a ‘Q’… or maybe an ‘O’? No, wait! It’s a bicycle!”

The clerk frowned. “Ma’am… there are only letters on the chart.”

Doris waved a hand. “Oh, I know! But at my age, I’ve learned to predict traffic signs. If there’s an ‘O’ and a ‘P’ together, that usually means ‘STOP’! And if there’s a ‘Q,’ it means I should slow down because I’m probably about to miss my turn.”

The clerk hesitated but decided to continue. “Alright, let’s move on to reaction time. I’m going to tap the desk, and when I do, I want you to clap your hands as fast as possible.”

Doris nodded eagerly.

The clerk tapped the desk.

Doris sat still.

The clerk tapped it again.

Still nothing.

Finally, after a full 30 seconds, Doris clapped her hands together.

The clerk raised an eyebrow. “Uh… was there a delay?”

Doris chuckled. “No, dear, I was just finishing my sip of tea first. You should never rush a good Earl Grey.”

The clerk sighed. “Ma’am, I’m really not sure—”

Just then, another DMV worker burst into the room. “Oh, thank goodness you’re here, Mrs. Doris! Your car is blocking four spaces, there’s a shopping cart wedged under your bumper, and your left blinker has been on for 20 minutes.”

Doris gasped. “Oh, my! That must have been someone else’s car!”

The worker shook his head. “Ma’am, it’s a bright pink Cadillac with a ‘Bingo Queen’ bumper sticker and a bobblehead of Betty White on the dashboard.”

Doris thought for a moment. “Hmm… alright, maybe that was me. But in my defense, parking lots are confusing at my age! I remember when they were just dirt and horse hitching posts!”

The clerk took a deep breath. “Ma’am… I think it might be time to consider giving up driving.”

Doris leaned in with a smirk. “Young man, I will stop driving the day I can’t remember where I put my keys.”

The worker shook his head. “Ma’am, your keys are in your hand.”

Doris laughed. “Well, then I guess I’m still good to go!”

And with that, she shuffled out the door, got in her car, and promptly drove off—with her left blinker still flashing.

Two guys are sitting at a bar.

After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, “Man, I gotta go home. I’m already two hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.”

The second guy turns to the first and says, “Naw she won’t. Listen, you got twenty bucks?”

The first says, “Yeah, why?”

The second drunk says, “Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.”

The first guy says, “Great idea! Let’s have another round”, and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, “Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?”

He says, “Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket.”

She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, “Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!”

He says, “Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!”

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.

But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.” The manager was impressed.

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”.

The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”

Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh”

Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”

Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”

Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”

Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”

Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”

Old lady: “Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!”

A Young beautiful teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz “behind my back I’ve got something red, round and you can eat it.

What is it?” she asked.

“An apple” replied little Raymond

“No,” said the teacher ” it’s a tomato but it shows you are thinking.

“I’ve now got something round, a greenish color you can eat it.”

“An apple,” replied little Ian

“No, it’s an onion, but it shows you are thinking.”

Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says “I’ve got something under my desk that’s an inch long, white and it has a red end.”

“Dirty little boy,” said the teacher

“No it’s a match, but it shows you were thinking,” he answered

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?“

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos. “The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.“

The blonde says, “Oh! I could use some-thing like that! I’ll take it!

“The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!

“The boss asks, “And what do you have in it? “The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

FINALLY…THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on It. ‘has your picture on It.

“The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

A little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar backward.

The little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backward.

The man, who was a priest, said,

‘I am a Father.’

The little Johnny replied,

‘My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn’t wear his collar like that’

The priest looked up from his book and answered,

“I am the Father of many.’

The Little boy said,

“My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said.

‘I am the Father of hundreds, and went back to reading his book.

The little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

“Maybe you should wear a c0ndom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”