Author: news

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.

Then the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.

But, he cautions her, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times what she wishes for.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.

The first wish was for a billion dollars.

The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on one billion dollars.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach.

In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.

Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.

But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.

For my last wish..”I’d like to give birth to twins.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist,

“I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you,

I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him.

He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

We were fooling around, the passion started to heat up, when she suddenly says: “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT? Then what was all that about?!?”

Then she uttered the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch enough with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She saw my puzzled look and said, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I decided to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her “we’ll just buy them all”.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she didn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!”

Then I said, “Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while

You’re just not in touch enough with my financial needs as a man, for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

A man and his wife are at a high school reunion and the husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass.

His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. She’s my ex-wife.

She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife.

“Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?”

The maid asked her boss’s wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”

Helen: “No, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So, how much do you want?”

A lady goes to a tattooist and asks to have a butterfly tattooed on each of her bum cheeks.

The tattooist says he doesn’t know how to do butterflies, however, he could tattoo Bees. She thought about it for a moment and agreed to have bees tattooed instead.

When she gets home she goes to her bedroom pulls down her pants and underwear and bends over the bed. She then calls out to her husband to view what she’s got for him.

On asking her husband’s opinion he replies, ‘hmmm very nice, but who the hell is BoB?!’

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims,

“My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”

At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.

He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!” The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked these questions:

Lawyer; “Have you any grounds?!”

Polish man; “An acre and a half and a nice 3 bedroom house!!”

Lawyer; “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?!”

Polish man; “It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar!!”

Lawyer; “Does either of you have a real grudge?!”

Polish man; “No, we have a carport…

don’t need a grudge!!”

Lawyer; “I mean, what are your relations like?!”

Polish man; “All my relations live in Poland!!”

Lawyer; “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?!”

Polish man; “Yes…

we have hi-fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 surround sound!!”

Lawyer; “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?!”

Polish man; “No, I’m always up before her!!”

Lawyer; “why do you want this divorce?!”

Polish man; “She is going to kill me!!!!”

Lawyer; “What makes you think that?!”

Polish man; “I got proof!!”

Lawyer; “What kind of proof?!”

Polish man; “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say…

POLISH REMOVER!!!!

A man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. 1 said “U ever had a hug?” He said “No” so she hugged him & walked on.

2nd said, “U ever had a kiss?”

He said “No” so she kissed him & walked on.

3rd said, “U have ever been fu**ed?” He said “No” as his eyes lit up…

… she said, “U will be when the tide comes in.”

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.

Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says

”Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”

The drunks replies, ”I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”