The Trucker Sleep

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while.

As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker.

Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield.

..

.

But he is awoken again. ‘It’s 5:25,” says another jogger.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple decided to stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple decided to stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they got back in the car and resumed their journey.

It wasn’t until they had been driving for about forty minutes that the elderly woman realized she had left her glasses on the table at the diner.

She informed her husband, and to their frustration, they had to drive quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

As they headed back to the diner to retrieve the glasses, the elderly husband transformed into the quintessential grouchy old man.

He fussed, complained, and scolded his wife nonstop during the entire drive back.

The more he griped, the more agitated he became, refusing to let up for even a moment.

Finally, to the elderly woman’s relief, they arrived back at the diner.

She quickly got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses.

Just as she was about to enter, the old man rolled down his window and called out, “While you’re in there, you might as well grab my hat and the credit card!”

A man was walking in the street

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:

“Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”

The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake.

He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said, “You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.”

“Impossible’, said the embarrassed man, ‘You really know what I think?”

“Yes”, the lady replied, “Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom.”

A police officer had a perfect hiding place

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well-traveled stretch of highway.

The location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again one Labor Day weekend.

The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear. After a half hour or so the officer hadn’t seen anybody speeding.

In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn’t believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.

Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went investigate.

He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said: RADAR TRAP AHEAD.

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boys accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet full of change.

HOW TO TREAT DRY FEET

Why does it feel and look like you’ve been living in a desert no matter how much moisturizer you put on your feet? It is understandable that maintaining soft and smooth feet can be difficult because the skin on the feet has less oil glands to keep them hydrated. If you have dry, cracked, hard heels, that goes double.

Dry, cracked feet and heels can be caused by a variety of factors, including cold, dry weather, standing for extended periods of time, walking a lot, wearing shoes that are too tight, and using harsh detergents. However, so may skin disorders including psoriasis, eczema, and athlete’s foot. Dry, cracked foot skin can also result from changes in the feet brought on by diabetes.

A pumice stone or foot scrub
Dry, dead skin is removed via exfoliation, exposing smoother, softer skin beneath. When the skin is soft, you can exfoliate with a pumice stone or an over-the-counter foot scrub, ideally after taking a warm water bath, shower, or foot soak (add a little Epsom salt for good measure). Avoid using too much force while using a pumice stone. When you’re finished, apply a moisturizing moisturizer.

If you have open wounds or sores on your feet, avoid exfoliating them.

A foot file or rasp
A foot file is a device that mechanically exfoliates the skin. It has a handle and an abrasive metal surface. There are foot files that resemble cheese graters. Generally speaking, these should only be used on calloused heels, if at all, as they may be extremely harsh on the foot.

Similar to pumice stones, foot files work best on relaxed skin following a bath, shower, or foot soak. Another choice, particularly for removing tough, dead skin from the heels, is an electric foot file with a rotating head. Although certain waterproof types can be used in the shower, these are usually worn on your dry feet.

Foot cream or heel balm
Don’t use lotion if your feet are really dry. Compared to creams and ointments, lotions are less hydrating and contain a lot of water. Think about purchasing a balm or cream made especially for heels or feet. Usually thicker, these can include exfoliating and softening agents such urea, lactic acid, salicylic acid, hyaluronic acid, or alpha hydroxy acid. Cracked heels can be avoided with regular use.

Wear cotton socks at night to seal in the moisture and maintain clean bedding, and apply a thick coating of petroleum jelly, foot lotion, or heavy moisturizing cream to your feet.

Moisturizing gel socks or heel socks
Moisturizing foot socks, also known as heel sleeves or foot socks, are available online and can provide the benefits of moisturizer plus cotton socks without the mess. Their lining is made with moisturizing gel. Wear them when you sleep or for a few hours each day.

Foot peel masks
The newest thing on the internet is foot peel masks. After an hour of use, these bootie-shaped sheet masks are thrown away. Large chunks of dead skin will start to peel off in a week or more, exposing baby-soft skin underneath.

Liquid bandage
Consider using a liquid bandage—which is actually a spray rather than a bandage—if your heels have deep fractures. By sealing fissures, these solutions reduce pain when walking and keep bacteria and dirt out of the area.

Consult a podiatrist or dermatologist if these DIY remedies for dry, cracked foot skin aren’t helping. The specialist can assess your foot, identify any underlying medical issues, and create a successful treatment strategy.

ADVISORY: If you have diabetes, stay away from home cures until you consult your physician about your dry foot skin. Consult your primary care physician or a dermatologist if you think you could have athlete’s foot. In addition to dryness on the bottoms or sides of your feet and cracking of the skin, symptoms of athlete’s foot include itching, burning, stinging, and flaking between the toes.

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

“Why, officer?” asks the blonde.

“Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.”

“Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”

Macho Man

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.

I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

Bra size

Two days before my wife’s birthday I asked her what her bra size was.

“Ooh,” she said.

“Thinking of getting me a new one?”

I said, “No. I just wanted to see how they compared with your sister’s.”

Hunting Accident

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

“Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied.

“Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

” Not exactly answered the doctor………

“She’s a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.