Author: news

It’s Christmas time and Paddy and Maddy decided to go look for a Christmas Tree.

They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Maddy brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it.

“Well, Paddy, What do you think?”

“Sorry, Maddy, this tree won’t do. Let’s try another one”.

They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it.

“How about this one, Paddy?”

“Not quite, Maddy. Let’s keep looking”.

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Maddy are cold, tired, and hungry.

“Well, Paddy, what do we do now?”

“Maddy, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not…”

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession.

“I have an idea,” said the priest.

Why don’t you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.

A woman came into the booth and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

The priest asked, “What did you do?”

“I cheated on my husband.”

“How many times?”

“Three times.”

“Well,” said the priest, “Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box.”

Another woman came and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

The priest asked, “What did you do?”

“I cheated on my husband.”

“How many times?”

“Three times.”

Again the priest said, “Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box.”

Then the priest said to the rabbi, “Would you like to do the next confession?”

The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, “Go ahead. It’s easy.”

So another woman came in and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned.”

This time the rabbi asked, “What did you do?”

“I cheated on my husband.”

“How many times?”

The woman said, “Twice.”

Then the rabbi said, “Well go do it again. They’re 3 for 5 dollars today.”

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward.

So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the “BC”. “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about.
That “BC” business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady.

Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground.

The letter is as follows…
“Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community).”

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists,

The professor had the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak.

The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis.

He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.

One day, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.

15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.

A woman in the waiting room says, “It’s unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?”

“Miracle, shmiracle, he just gave me a longer walking stick.”

Harry was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2 Star Restaurant.

Every day for lunch, Harry would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant’s kitchen.

One day, the restaurant sent Harry an invoice. Harry went to see the manager to ask why.

The manager replied, “You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it.”

Harry refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.

They said, “Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it.”

The judge then asked Harry, “And what do you have to say about that?”

Harry said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What’s the meaning of that?”

Harry replied, “I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.

It was well past 10 when he remembered. “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”

He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”

An old man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.

“Here is your first question.” The foreman says.

“Without using numbers, represent the number nine?”

“Without numbers?”

The old man says. “That’s easy.”

And he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What is this?” asks the boss.

“You don’t have a brain? Tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.” Says the old man.

“Fair enough.” Says the boss.

“Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99?”

The man stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree, and hands it back.

The boss scratches his head and says.

“How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of the trees is dirty now. So it’s a dirty tree plus a dirty tree plus a dirty tree. It’s 99.”

“Okay, last question. Again, the same rules, but represent the number 100?”

The old man stares into space again; Then he picks up the picture, makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and hands it back.

The boss looks at the picture of the man.

“You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred?”

The old man leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers.

“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.”

LOL!!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A chicken farmer walked into a local bar, sat down next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

“I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were i-n.fertile, but today they’re finally laying f-e.rtilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become f-e.rtile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A blonde brought her baby to a doctor.

After examining, the doctor right away determined that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops.

In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the blonde returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

Put two drops in R ear every four hours.