Author: news

Harriet and Stanley were in their late 80s and had just moved into a new home that their tech-savvy grandson convinced them to make “smart.”

“Everything’s voice-activated now,” the grandson said proudly, clapping his hands. “Lights, thermostat, TV, even the fridge tells you when you’re out of milk!”

Harriet squinted suspiciously. “Does it tell you when the milk has turned? Because your grandfather has been drinking expired milk since 1972 and says it ‘builds character.’”

Stanley shrugged. “Hasn’t k.i.ll3d me yet. Probably the reason I’m still kicking.”

So one evening, Harriet tried using the voice commands.

She stood in the middle of the living room and said loudly, “Turn on the lights!”

Nothing.

She tried again. “TURN ON THE LIGHTS!”

Still nothing.

Sitting in his recliner, Stanley said, “You have to say ‘Hey Smart Home’ first, remember?”

So Harriet raised her voice, “HEY SMART HOME, TURN ON THE LIGHTS!”

The microwave beeped. The lights stayed off. And the thermostat dropped to 60 degrees.

Stanley grumbled, “Well now it thinks we’re going into hibernation.”

The next day, Harriet tried to play music. “Hey Smart Home, play some Frank Sinatra.”

The speakers crackled… then started blasting gangster rap at full volume.

Stanley screamed over the noise, “Well, this ain’t flyin’ me to the moon!”

It took them 45 minutes and a call to their grandson to turn it off.

Later that night, the fridge started talking.

“You are out of eggs,” a creepy robot voice said.

Stanley shouted back, “Then go get some!”

The fridge paused and said, “I didn’t catch that.”

Harriet looked at Stanley. “We’ve been married 60 years. I thought I’d get to boss you around in retirement. Now I’ve got a refrigerator with an attitude.”

The next morning, they unplugged everything.

Stanley handed Harriet her old flip phone. “Let’s just go back to yelling at each other the old-fashioned way.”

Three husbands were sitting at a bar, each nursing a drink and lamenting the mysteries of married life.

Husband 1 sighs and says, “My wife is a genius. She remembers everything I ever said… especially the things I forgot to do.”

Husband 2 nods. “Mine too. Last week, she said I didn’t listen to her. Or maybe that’s what she said. I wasn’t really paying attention.”

Husband 3 chuckles. “Gentlemen, you have it easy. My wife is so persuasive, she once convinced me that I was wrong about something I hadn’t even said yet.”

They all laugh and raise their glasses, when an old man at the end of the bar, with a long white beard and a twinkle in his eye, leans over and says, “You lads still have much to learn. I’ve been married 50 years. You want to know the secret?”

They nod eagerly.

The old man continues, “Every fight I ever had with my wife, I lost. Every one. But… I figured out how to win.”

The three men lean in closer.

“I simply learned two magical words,” he says, holding up two fingers. “‘Yes, dear.’ That’s it. That phrase has saved me from sleeping on the couch more times than I can count.”

Husband 1 asks, “But doesn’t that mean you just give up?”

The old man laughs. “No, no. You don’t give up. You just surrender… strategically. Like a ninja.”

He goes on:
“Let me tell you what happened last week. My wife asked, ‘Do you think I’m overreacting?’”

He pauses and looks at them seriously.
“Now, I may be old, but I’m not stupid. That question is a trap wrapped in a riddle inside a landmine.”

“So I smiled, nodded, and said, ‘Yes, dear.’”

Husband 2 frowns. “And that worked?”

“Well,” the old man says, “not exactly. I’m still recovering from the saucepan incident… but I consider it a partial victory. At least I now know what not to say. Again.”

The three husbands laugh, and the old man raises his glass.
“To wives! The only people who can multitask, win arguments in their sleep, and somehow always be right… even when they aren’t.”

The others clink their glasses.

And for once, they all agreed… quietly, and well within earshot of no one important.

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward.

So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the “BC”. “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about.
That “BC” business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady.

Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground.

The letter is as follows…
“Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community).”

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, “Holy crap. That must be my husband!”

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, “Yeah, then why were you running?”

And then the fight started…

A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle.” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The little boy asked if he could try it out first. He told the preacher he hadn’t ridden a bicycle in a long time and wasn’t sure he could still ride one.

The preacher told him, “Just keep trying. It’ll come back to you.”

After riding the bike around a little while, the little boy said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s because you have to c*ss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I became a Christian that I don’t even remember how to c*ss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “You just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to you.”

In a recent online concert, Blake Shelton’s fans couldn’t help but notice he looked quite different. The 44-year-old country star had a significant health scare that led to some profound changes in his appearance, but these changes weren’t just for his image.

Shelton opened up about how he picked up some pretty destructive habits during the early days of being stuck indoors.

Binge eating, overeating, and even binge drinking became part of his routine. Unfortunately, with the world in lockdown, Blake found himself unable to tour or perform, which only added to the unhealthy habits, leading to noticeable weight gain.

During a candid chat over Zoom, Shelton explained how his unhealthy routine contributed to feelings of loneliness and anxiety. He felt vulnerable and helpless, stuck at home and unable to find the motivation to step out or seek help.

Resolving to take action, he tapped into his willpower and leaned on his friends and family for support to adopt better eating habits and start a regular exercise regime, which eventually helped him shed the extra pounds.

One alarming moment came when Shelton experienced a mild heart attack while attempting to do some chores around the house. This episode was a wake-up call, highlighting just how dangerous his lifestyle had become.

Late-night cheeseburgers and beers with friends were taking a toll, and the alarmed heaviness in his chest signaled that something needed to change.

His doctor emphasized the urgency of losing weight fast to avoid further complications. This meant not only quick fixes but a complete overhaul of his routines to include healthier choices and maintain his vigor in the years to come.

Following this frightening health event, Blake realized it was time for proactive change. A chat with his friend and fellow The Voice judge, Kelly Clarkson, led him to try the ketogenic diet.

This diet significantly limits carbohydrate intake, urging the body into a state called ketosis, where it burns fat instead of carbs for energy.

Blake shared that the tweaks in his diet have led him to feel healthier than he did even before his heart scare. His journey serves as a beacon of hope and encouragement for those seeking to embrace healthier lifestyles, especially during these challenging times.

For all of us looking to make such changes, simple steps like cutting down on processed, high-carb foods, upping our intake of leafy greens, and watching portion sizes can be an excellent start.

A chicken farmer walked into a local bar, sat down next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man.

“I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were i-n.fertile, but today they’re finally laying f-e.rtilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become f-e.rtile?”

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone in the bar now.”

After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar.

“Hey, what about the payment? yells the bartender.

“I have no money,” the man replies.

The bartender hears that and b-e.ats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening, the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now.”

The bartender thinks, “The man can’t be stupid enough to do the same trick twice; he must have enough money tonight,” and gives beer to everyone.

After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar.

“Hey, what about the payment?” yells the bartender.

“I have no money,” the man replies.

The bartender hears that and b-e.ats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later, the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, “Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar.”

In disgust, the bartender asks, “What, no beer for me this time?”

“Nah,” answers the man, “you get v-i.olent when you drink.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females.

He hired a French guy who didn’t speak English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the ‘parts’, but the sheep farmer yelled, “No! Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They’re delicious and we call them ‘sheep fries’.”

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and indeed, the ‘sheep fries’ were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of ‘sheep fries’.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was.

She said, “You know, it was the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren’t very many ‘sheep fries’ this evening, we were also going to have French fries. Then he screamed and ran like hell.”

A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.

While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.

So the husband says, “What’s with the spoon?”

The waiter said, “Well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management, and they found that people drop their spoons 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.”

The husband was impressed.

Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner, and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else.”

While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asked, “Hey, there’s a string on your pants.”

The waiter tells him, “Not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”

The husband was impressed, but asked, “It’s a good idea, but how do you get it back in your pants?”.

The waiter leaned close and whispered, “Well, I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally, I use the spoon.”