Author: news

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception.

Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

Three men meet at the gate of heaven at the same time.

St. Peter comes out and asks them one by one how they lost their lives.

The first man says: “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 22th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I found my wife on the bed and another man’s clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife.

She insisted that there was nobody else in the apartment. I searched everywhere, looked into every wardrobe, checked under every table but did not find anybody. Then I went to the balcony to have a smoke and cool down. When I got out I saw the man outside the balcony, clinging to the railing. I took off my shoe and hit him on his hands till he fell down. When I looked down to see if he was dead I saw that he had managed to grab a balcony railing of an apartment on the 18th floor. I got so mad, I went and grapped our fridge to throw it down on him to finish it up. But then my leg got entangled with the cable of the fridge and as the fridge was falling it dragged me down with it – that´s how I died.”

The second man says: “I was a window cleaner. Today I had a job at a highrise. When I was cleaning a window on the 25th floor I lost my balance and fell down. As I was falling, I was able to grab a balcony railing but the next moment a man appeared and hit me on my hands with his shoe. I lost my grip and fell again but was again able to hold on to a balcony railing. The last things I saw in my life were a fridge and the man flying toward me.

The third man says: “Alright, picture this. You just got finished banging some dude’s wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator.”

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money.

He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed ten $100 bills in the offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly-looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

While working on a message the pastor heard a knock at his office door.

“Come in,” he invited.

A contrite-looking man in threadbare clothes came in, pulling a goat on a rope, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” asked the man with his hat in his hand.

Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly. The goat proceeded to sniff around the office.

With one eye on the animal and one on the man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the fellow’s story, “What can I do for you?”

“My family is hungry,” started the man. “So I stole this goat. But I feel that I have sinned. Would you please take it?”

“Certainly not,” said the minister.

“Then what should I do with it?” asked the man.

“Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!” the pastor explained.

“I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?”

“In that case,” the minister said, “It would be all right for you to keep it and feed your family.”

That seemed to settle things as far as the man was concerned.

“Thank you for your help, sir.”

With a lighter step, he walked out of the office, leading the goat on the rope behind him.

Later that afternoon when the minister returned home, he said to his wife as he walked in, “I have got a story to tell you.”

“I have something to tell you first,” she exclaimed. “Someone has stolen your goat!”

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”

“Fifteen inches???” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small, what room are they for?”

The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But Miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo … I’ve got Windoooooows!”

After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization”, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”

Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”

Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.”

Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”

Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?”

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Will the Morons Please Stand Up.

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Last semester, I took macroeconomics and didn’t have a clue what I was doing (as cited in the final exam).

There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason, I decided to play the game of probability and chose the letter “A” for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.

The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. “Is everything okay?” “Sure,” I said, “why?”Well, here’s your test,” he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. “Can you explain why you chose an ‘A’ for everything,”

Knowing that there was nothing I could do at that point, I said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to be an ‘A’ student.”

Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass.

Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

“Only one calorie per can,” she read aloud.

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“Hmm,” murmured the other blonde. “I wonder which glass has the calorie?”

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A parking guy suddenly disappears. A customer worried about him.

After a decades-long career, the parking guy suddenly disappears. A worried customer goes to inquire.

“What happened to the guy at the entrance who collected all the parking fees and even told us where free spots are? Did he retire?”

The employee is somewhat confused.

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“Sir, parking has been free ever since we opened.”

Former President Bill Clinton, with tears in his eyes, stood before the cameras today to deliver a heartbreaking announcement that left the nation in shock. His voice trembled as he addressed the public, pausing at times to collect himself. The weight of the moment was clear as he spoke solemnly about the news that had deeply affected him on a personal and national level. Though he had faced many challenges during his time in office and beyond, this moment seemed to be one of the most difficult he had ever encountered.

Struggling to contain his emotions, Clinton detailed the gravity of the situation, making it clear that this was not just a political matter, but something profoundly personal. His usual charisma and confidence were overshadowed by a sorrowful vulnerability as he expressed his deep regret. The former president, known for his eloquence, found himself searching for words to adequately convey the magnitude of what had happened. The room remained silent except for the occasional muffled sobs of those in attendance, all understanding that history was being marked by this painful revelation.

As Clinton continued, he emphasized the impact this news would have on the country and the world. He spoke of the challenges ahead, urging unity and resilience in the face of adversity. Though his sadness was evident, he also conveyed a message of hope, reminding the public that even in the darkest times, there is a path forward. His plea was not just for understanding but for collective strength, as he called upon Americans to come together in support and compassion.

By the end of his speech, Clinton wiped away a tear and took a deep breath, visibly drained by the weight of his words. The room erupted into quiet murmurs as reporters and onlookers processed the stunning announcement. It was a moment that would be remembered for years to come, a testament to the emotions and burdens carried by leaders even after their time in office. As he stepped away from the podium, the gravity of his message lingered in the air, leaving the nation to grapple with the sorrowful reality he had just revealed.

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

“Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”

Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear…. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.”

Determined to “take it with him” when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in.

There was one condition: He could bring only one suitcase of his wealth.

The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.

Then one day, he died. St. Peter greeted him at the gate and told him he could come in, but his suitcase would have to be left.

“But I have an agreement with God,” said the man, “to bring one suitcase in heaven.”

“That’s very unusual,” replied St. Peter. “Let me look inside that suitcase.”

The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion. St. Peter was amazed.

He asked, “Why in the world would you bring more pavement to heaven?”

A wealthy married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One evening, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to jeopardize his marriage or reputation, the man offered her a large sum of money to move to Italy and have the baby in secret.

He also promised to provide child support until the child turned 18 if she stayed there to raise the child.

The woman agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep things discreet, he told her to send a postcard with the word *“Spaghetti”* written on the back.

Once he received it, he would arrange for the child support.

Months later, the man returned home to his puzzled wife.

She handed him a postcard from Italy and said, “This is a bit odd.”

Trying to play it cool, he said, “Oh, just give it to me. I’ll explain later.”

But as he read the card, his face turned pale, and he fainted.
The postcard read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.”

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

As she watched, he approached the dresser and retrieved the note.

After a brief interval, he write down a message on it, then promptly dialed a number on the phone.

“Finally, she’s gone… Yes, I’m well aware, it’s about time. I’ll be on my way to see you. Wear that beautiful nightie, won’t you?”

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

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“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.”