An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 321, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and…,” when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers, “Oh My God” OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt… OMG!
Silence reigned! You can hear a pin-drop. He gets back on the microphone talking to thepassengers, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
A passenger hollered, “Why don’t you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND.”
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said:
“Let’s talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger.
“How about n.u.clear power?” The girl asked.
“Ok,” he said “That could be an interesting topic!”
The girl continues: “But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“The stranger thinks about it and says: “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies: “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know s.hit?”
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.
Wiping his mouth off on his shirtsleeve, he says, “Man, I gotta go home. I’m already two hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. My wife is gonna kill me.”
The second guy turns to the first and says, “Naw she won’t. Listen, you got twenty bucks?”
The first says, “Yeah, why?”
The second drunk says, “Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.”
The first guy says, “Great idea! Let’s have another round”, and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.
Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guy’s wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, “Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself ?!?”
He says, “Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunken guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket.”
She reaches in and pulls out the money. She says, “Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!”
He says, “Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!”
