Author: news

A man was down on his luck and in desperate need of a job.
He saw an advertisement in the newspaper for a job in sales. He didn’t know anything about sales but figured he could learn, so he contacted the company.

“It’s very simple,” said the hiring manager. “You go door-to-door selling toothbrushes. Everyone needs a toothbrush, you should be able to sell lots of them.”

The man agreed and went out to a large housing tract for the day. When he returned to the office, he was asked how his day went.

“I sold one toothbrush,” he said.

The hiring manager was not happy. “Look, I know it’s your first day in sales, so I’ll forgive it this time. But you gotta sell more than one if you want to keep your job.”

The next day, the man went to another neighborhood. When he returned to the office at the end of the day, he said, “I sold two toothbrushes today!”

Now the hiring manager was furious. “It is far from enough! You have one more day to get this right. If you don’t sell a lot more tomorrow, you’re fired.”

When the man came back to the office at the end of the next day, he was again asked how he did. “I sold 1500 toothbrushes!” he announced.

“Oh my God!” said the hiring manager. “That’s amazing. It’s more than anyone has ever sold in one day before. How did you do it?”

“Well,” he began, “I went to a grocery store and set up a table outside with some chips and some dip. And I asked people to try them. They would taste it and say, ‘This dip tastes like s-h.it!”

And I would say, “It is! Would you like to buy a toothbrush?”

LOL!! A dumb joke is still a good, funny joke!

Two days before my wife’s birthday I asked her what her bra size was.

“Ooh,” she said.

“Thinking of getting me a new one?”

I said, “No. I just wanted to see how they compared with your sister’s.”

In a moment of confession, a nun revealed to the priest, “Father, I have sinned. We took in a homeless man and gave him shelter, but I couldn’t help myself – I peeked at his private parts through the keyhole.”

The priest offered words of comfort, “My child, do not be ashamed. Say a Hail Mary and wash your eyes in the holy water, and all will be forgiven.”

The next nun in line confessed, “Father, I too have sinned. I took it a step further and touched his private parts with my hand.”

Again, the priest offered absolution, “Say a Hail Mary and wash your hands in the holy water, and all will be forgiven.”

But then, a commotion erupted as two nuns cut in front of each other, leading to a heated hair-pulling fight.

The priest intervened, “Sisters, stop this at once! What has come over you?”

One nun pointed to the other and exclaimed, “I want to use the holy water first, before she washes her…ahem…with it!”

The priest’s face turned red as he tried to restore order, realizing that perhaps the holy water was not the only thing that needed cleansing.

Some amazing “trick” photos can be produced by combining ideal lighting with the right location at the right moment!

A man in a nice swimsuit

When bearded guys look up:

“Looks like my ex.”

Darth Vader is back. Does it make the same sounds?

“What did this palm tree find out?”

Did you think that this was toothpaste too?

Proper ear hygiene is important to prevent ear infections. Here are some simple tips to keep your ears healthy:

1. Keep ears dry – After showering or swimming, gently dry your ears with a towel. Avoid using cotton swabs deep inside the ear, as they can push wax further in or cause injury.

2. Avoid inserting objects – Do not insert any sharp or small objects into your ears. This includes hairpins, pens, or even fingers.

3. Clean the outer ear only – Use a damp cloth to clean around the outside of the ear. Let earwax work naturally; it helps protect your ear canal.

4. Use earplugs in dirty or loud environments – When in dusty places or around loud machinery, use protective earplugs.

5. Treat allergies and colds – Nasal congestion can affect the ears. Treat any colds or allergies early to reduce pressure and fluid buildup.

6. Visit a doctor if you feel discomfort – If you experience pain, discharge, or hearing loss, consult a healthcare professional. Do not try to treat ear problems on your own.

By following these steps, you can help prevent ear infections and maintain good ear health.

A slick city lawyer was cruising through the countryside in his shiny BMW when he noticed a picturesque farm, complete with a tree heavy with ripe red apples. The fruit looked too good to resist.

Without a second thought, he pulled over, hopped the fence, and picked the biggest, shiniest apple he could find. He’d just taken a big, juicy bite when an old farmer rumbled up on a tractor, eyes squinting under a wide-brimmed hat.

“Afternoon,” the farmer said, voice calm but firm. “That there’s my tree, and those are my apples.”

The lawyer chuckled smugly. “Do you know who I am? I’m one of the top attorneys in the city. I could sue you six ways from Sunday for stopping me from enjoying one lousy apple.”

The farmer scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Well, son, we don’t go in much for suing around these parts. We follow the ‘Country Code.’”

“The Country Code?” the lawyer asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yup,” said the farmer. “Real simple. We take turns kickin’ each other until someone gives up. That’s how we settle things out here.”

Thinking this would be an easy win, the lawyer rolled up his sleeves and nodded. “Fine. Let’s do it.”

The farmer climbed down from his tractor, shuffled over in his thick, steel-toed boots, and with all the force of years behind him, swung a boot straight into the lawyer’s stomach.

The lawyer collapsed to the ground, wheezing, clutching his gut like he’d just been hit by a wrecking ball. Several long, painful moments later, he managed to stagger to his feet, face red and teeth clenched.

“Alright, old man,” he growled. “Now it’s my turn!”

The farmer tipped his hat with a big grin and said, “Nah, I give up. Enjoy the apple.”

A third-grade teacher was having a tough time with a boy in her class.
“Teacher, I should be in the fourth grade! I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in fourth!” the boy insisted.

The teacher, tired of arguing, took him to the principal. The principal decided to test him with a few fourth-grade questions.

Principal: “What is 3+3?”

Boy: “6.”

Principal: “What is 6+6?”

Boy: “12.”

The boy answered every question correctly. Impressed, the principal told the teacher to move him up to the fourth grade.

But the teacher had her doubts. “Can I ask him some of my questions?” she asked.

The principal agreed.

Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I only have two?”

Boy: “Legs!”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that I don’t have in mine?”

Boy: “Pockets!”

Teacher: “What starts with ‘C’, ends with ‘T’, is hairy, oval, and contains a sweet liquid?”

Boy: “Coconut!”

The principal shifted in his chair.

Teacher: “What goes in hard and dry, then comes out soft and sticky?”

Boy: “Chewing gum!”

The principal wiped his forehead.

Teacher: “You tie me down to keep me up. What am I?”

Boy: “A tent!”

The principal was getting nervous.

Teacher: “What gets bigger when you pull it, fits neatly between two things, and can save your life?”

Boy: “A seatbelt!”

The principal sighed in relief.

The teacher continued, “What starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘K’, and if you don’t get it, you might use your hands?”

The principal gasped, but the boy confidently answered, “Fork!”

The principal had enough. “Okay, send this boy straight to college! I got all the answers wrong myself!”

A policeman pulls over an old man driving a pickup truck with the bed overflowing with ducks.

The officer says sternly, “Sir, you can’t have a flock of ducks wandering around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately!”

The old man nods, agrees, and drives off.

The next day, the officer spots the same pickup truck, still full of ducks—but this time, all the ducks are wearing sunglasses.

Frustrated, the officer pulls the man over again and exclaims, “I thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!”

The old man grins and replies, “I did! But now the little rascals want to go to the beach!”

A police officer a stopped a motorist.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.

“I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”

“But officer, I just wanted to say…

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range.
He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!

His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face.

“What’s the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can’t you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”

“I was a Cable TV repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don’t know why I can’t hit the target. Let me see…”

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied.

‘I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?’

‘Darned if I know,’ chirped the little boy, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!’

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”

The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee –

OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”

The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food,
she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.

The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.

Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.

She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

The day began when my daughter overslept, then realized she forgot to do her homework. As I drove her to school,

I snapped, “I don’t want to hear a peep out of you.”

When we arrived, she asked, “Can I talk now?”

“Okay,” I grumbled.

…

..

.

“I forgot my lunch.”

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There’s a blond and a brunette in a car.

There’s a blond and a brunette in a car.

The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat.

They’re going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don’t work.

The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don’t work and that they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop.

…

..

.

The blonde then replies, “Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead.”