Author: news

A big-shot attorney ended up in the hospital for a few days, and he quickly became a nightmare for the staff.

He treated the nurses like they were his personal assistants, barking orders and complaining about everything.

None of the hospital staff could stand him. But the head nurse? She was the only one who wasn’t afraid to put him in his place.

One day, she walked into his room with a mission. “I need to take your temperature,” she announced.

He immediately started grumbling and whining for a solid five minutes, but eventually, he crossed his arms, opened his mouth, and gave in.

“No, sorry,” the nurse said, “I can’t use an oral thermometer for this reading.”

More complaints followed, but after a while, he rolled over and exposed his backside with a dramatic sigh.

Once the thermometer was inserted, the nurse smirked. “I need to get something. You stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She left, making sure the door was wide open behind her.

The man fumed in embarrassment as people passed by, laughing.

Twenty minutes later, the doctor came in, looking around with confusion. “What’s going on here?” he asked.

The attorney, red-faced and frustrated, snapped, “What’s the matter, Doc? Never seen someone get their temperature taken?”

The doctor paused, then, with a straight face, said, “Not with a Daffodil.”

The man froze. “A… what?!”

The doctor just shrugged and walked out. The nurse had really outdone herself this time.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An 85-year-old man was driving down the highway

An 85-year-old man was driving down the highway when he suddenly saw flashing lights in his rearview mirror.

A police officer was pulling him over!

The old man sighed and muttered, “Not again…” but instead of stopping, he hit the gas.

He sped up to 70 mph, then 80 mph… then 90 mph!

The police siren wailed louder, and the officer yelled through the speaker, “PULL OVER NOW!”

The old man sighed again and thought, What am I doing? I’m too old for this nonsense. So he finally pulled over.

The officer walked up to his window, shaking his head. “Sir, what on earth were you thinking? You were speeding AND trying to outrun the police! This is serious.”

The old man gave a tired smile and said, “Officer, let me explain. My wife ran off with a cop 30 years ago, and when I saw your lights, I thought you were bringing her back.”

The officer burst out laughing.

After wiping his tears, the officer said, “Alright, sir. Just drive safe, and have a good day.”

And with that, he let him go.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things.

One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable.

He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”

So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:

“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”

With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph.

The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.

But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle.

A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready.

He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph

He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”

A young man with a stutter sells Bibles.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church’s fundraiser.

He asked the preacher if he could participate in the door-to-door selling of bibles.

The preacher agreed, but knowing the young man had a bad stutter, he only gave him 3 Bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more.

The preacher gave him another 5 bibles.

The following day the preacher gave him another 10.

By the end of the week, the young man broke the church’s record for the highest number of bibles sales in one week.

The preacher believed that divine intervention had occurred

He was dumbfounded and had to know the young man’s secret.

So the preacher asked the young man how he was able to sell so many bibles in such a short amount of time.

The young man smiled and said,

“I asked th-th-them if th-th-they wanted to b-b-buy a bible or have m-m-me read it to th-th-them.”

The day began when my daughter overslept, then realized she forgot to do her homework. As I drove her to school,

I snapped, “I don’t want to hear a peep out of you.”

When we arrived, she asked, “Can I talk now?”

“Okay,” I grumbled.

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“I forgot my lunch.”

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There’s a blond and a brunette in a car.

There’s a blond and a brunette in a car.

The brunette is driving while the blonde is in the passenger seat.

They’re going down a steep hill when the brunette realizes that the brakes don’t work.

The brunette tells the blonde that the brakes don’t work and that they will drive off the side of the cliff because they failed to stop.

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The blonde then replies, “Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead.”

The legendary guitarist and frontman of the iconic rock group The Youngbloods, Jesse Colin Young, died at the age of 83. On Sunday, March 16, a spokesman confirmed his passing.

The statement said, “We regret to inform you that music legend Jesse Colin Young passed away yesterday afternoon at his home in Aiken, South Carolina. He made a significant contribution to the overlapping genres of folk, blues, jazz, country, and rock & roll.”

“He immortalized the ideals of the Woodstock generation as the frontman of The Youngbloods with ‘Get Together,’ an international hit that called for peace and brotherhood during the turbulent 1960s.”

Born Perry Miller in Queens, New York, on November 22, 1941, Jesse Colin Young was a guitarist and singer-songwriter who gained notoriety as the lead singer of the folk-rock group The Youngbloods. Over the course of his more than 60-year career, he emerged as a key figure in the counterculture movement of the 1960s.

Young, who was born and raised in Pennsylvania, went to Phillips Academy in Massachusetts before attending Ohio State University. But he left school to seek a career as a folk musician because he loved music.

He recorded two solo albums in the early 1960s, Young Blood (1965) and The Soul of a City Boy (1964), before joining guitarist Jerry Corbitt, drummer Joe Bauer, and bassist Lowell Levinger to form The Youngbloods.

The group became well-known because to their 1967 hit song “Get Together,” which became an anthem of the day and called for harmony and peace. The song’s re-release in 1969 catapulted it to mainstream prominence, despite its initial modest success. Elephant Mountain (1969) was one of the albums the Youngbloods recorded before Young started a solo career in 1972.

Young combined folk, rock, jazz, and blues elements in his solo work, putting out albums like On the Road (1976), Light Shine (1974), and Song for Juli (1973). His love of environmental causes and social justice was frequently reflected in his songs.

Young persisted in performing and releasing songs in spite of obstacles in her personal and professional life, such as being diagnosed with Lyme illness in the 1980s. His persistent talent and message of unity were demonstrated in his subsequent albums, such as Dreamers (2019).

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Toronto on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

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“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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A man was Promoted to Montreal

Boss: Congratulations! I’m promoting you to manage our Montreal office!

The young man (disappointed): But sir! There’s nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.

Boss (now insulted): I’ll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!

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The young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

An old man from Alabama moved to New York and decided to look for work.

He walked into a massive department store and asked for a job.

The manager, intrigued, asked, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The man nodded confidently, “Yes, sir. I was a salesman back home in Alabama.”

The manager liked his enthusiasm and hired him. “You start tomorrow. I’ll check in after we close to see how you did.”
The first day was tough, but the old man persevered.

At the end of the day, the manager came to check on him. “So, how many customers did you sell to?”

The man smiled and said, “Just one.”

The manager was furious. “One?! Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day! How much was the sale for?”

The old man replied, “$121,237.65.”

The manager’s jaw dropped. “What on earth did you sell?!”

The old man explained, “Well, first, I sold him a small fishhook.

Then a medium fishhook. Then a larger one. After that, I sold him a fishing rod. He mentioned going fishing on the coast, so I took him to the boat section, and he bought a twin-engine Boston Whaler. Then he realized his Honda Civic couldn’t tow it, so I sold him a truck.”

The manager, still in shock, asked, “A man came in for a fishhook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!”

The old man grinned. “No, sir. He actually came in to buy t.a.m.p.o.n.s for his wife. I just said, ‘Your weekend’s shot—you might as well go fishing.’”

The next day, the old man got a promotion.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception.

Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”

Three men meet at the gate of heaven at the same time.

St. Peter comes out and asks them one by one how they lost their lives.

The first man says: “I thought I had a wonderful life. I had a beautiful wife and we had a lovely place on the 22th floor of an apartment building. I came home from work early today, and I found my wife on the bed and another man’s clothes on the floor. So of course I started looking for the bastard who slept with my wife.

She insisted that there was nobody else in the apartment. I searched everywhere, looked into every wardrobe, checked under every table but did not find anybody. Then I went to the balcony to have a smoke and cool down. When I got out I saw the man outside the balcony, clinging to the railing. I took off my shoe and hit him on his hands till he fell down. When I looked down to see if he was dead I saw that he had managed to grab a balcony railing of an apartment on the 18th floor. I got so mad, I went and grapped our fridge to throw it down on him to finish it up. But then my leg got entangled with the cable of the fridge and as the fridge was falling it dragged me down with it – that´s how I died.”

The second man says: “I was a window cleaner. Today I had a job at a highrise. When I was cleaning a window on the 25th floor I lost my balance and fell down. As I was falling, I was able to grab a balcony railing but the next moment a man appeared and hit me on my hands with his shoe. I lost my grip and fell again but was again able to hold on to a balcony railing. The last things I saw in my life were a fridge and the man flying toward me.

The third man says: “Alright, picture this. You just got finished banging some dude’s wife. He comes home. You hide in the refrigerator.”

Two Southern Belles were chatting on the porch of a grand white-pillared mansion.

The first lady said proudly, “When my first child was born, my husband built me this beautiful mansion.”

The second smiled and replied, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first continued, “When my second child was born, he bought me that fine Cadillac out front.”

Again, the second woman responded, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

“And when my third child was born,” the first said with a grin, “he gave me this dazzling diamond bracelet.”

The second lady, as always, replied sweetly, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

Curious now, the first woman asked, “What did your husband give you when you had your first child?”

With a sly smile, the second answered, “He sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school?! Land sakes, child—for what?”

The second lady leaned in and said, “So instead of saying ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say ‘Well, isn’t that nice?’”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Little Johnny’s father was a pastor in a small church.
One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him: “It’s the boy, my Lord, it’s time to get up.”

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, “It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!”

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman.
The pastor was preaching and he said: “Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are.”

and the boy stood up and said pastor: “How can you expect me to lie in a church?”

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning.
After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked “How do fish breath under water?”

His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”

The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”

Once again his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”

Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks “Why is the sky blue?”

Again, his dad replied. “Don’t know, son.”

The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”

“Of course not son.” replied his dad, “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”

A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road.

They both have shovels. One of the blondes digs a hole, and the other immediately fills it in.

The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, “You guys look like you’re working hard.

But I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish.”

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One of the blondes replies, “Well, there’s usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick.”

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license.

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license.

The family troops out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

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“Nope,” comes Dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”