Author: news

One day, Mrs. Jones went to talk to the minister at the local church.

“Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem. My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

The minister thought for a moment and said, “I have an idea. Take this hatpin with you. I’ll watch for when Mr. Jones is dozing off, and I’ll motion to you. When I do, you give him a little poke in the leg.”

The following Sunday, Mrs. Jones brought the hatpin to church. Sure enough, during the sermon, Mr. Jones started to nod off. The minister noticed and said, “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” He nodded toward Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!” Mr. Jones cried, waking up as his wife poked him with the hatpin.

“Yes, you’re right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. But soon after, Mr. Jones dozed off again. The minister asked, “Who is your redeemer?” and motioned toward Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones yelled out, again getting poked in the leg.

“Right again!” said the minister. But before long, Mr. Jones fell asleep again. This time, the minister didn’t notice, and he picked up the pace of his sermon, making some gestures that Mrs. Jones mistook for signals to poke her husband.

The minister asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked Mr. Jones again, and he woke up, shouting, “If you poke me with that thing one more time, I’ll snap it in half and make you regret it!”

“Amen!” the congregation replied in unison.

An elderly couple was attending a church service.

An elderly couple was attending a church service.

The lady turned towards her husband and said, “I just let out a really long silent fart. What should I do?”

The man smiled… and said to her, ‘‘Honey, your hearing aid needs a battery replacement.’’

Two little boys were at sitting together in a church

Two little boys were sitting together in a church during a wedding ceremony.

As the couple said “I do”, one of the little boys leaned over to the other and asked, “I wonder how many wives can a man have?”

The second little boy looked at his friend like he was an idiot and said, “He can have 16 wives.”

“How do you know that?” The first little boy asked.

“Weren’t you listening? The priest just said it. Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

LOL!! SO CUTE!!

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London,

there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity for Gandhi, and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him, their “arguments” were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.

The professor, in his arrogance, said, “Mr Gandhi: you do not understand… a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.”

Gandhi replies, “You do not worry professor, I’ll fly away,” and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, green of rage, decides to take revenge on the next test, but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions.

Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, “Mr Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?” Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of course.”

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, “I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?”

“Each one take what one doesn’t have”, responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysteric, writes on the exam sheet the word “idiot” and gives it to Gandhi. Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down.

A few minutes later, Gandhi goes to the professor and says, “Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade.”

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

“In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists,

The professor had the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak.

The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within a minute a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, can you come and get me?”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”

Welcome to the golden years…

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blond chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blond began.

“I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”

“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

The gossip doesn’t end there: Why haven’t Prince George, Princess Charlotte and Prince Louis visited their mom?

The day after the news about Kate ⁣was shared, Prince William, who had turned on his out of office to focus on being a full-time dad, was seen leaving the ‌Clinic through the back in his $268,000 electric⁣ Audi.

Since then, he has been visiting his wife daily, which has been reported by both the Sun and Daily Mail.

Rebecca English ⁣from the Daily Mail ⁢mentioned that “the media have agreed⁤ not to have photographers [outside the hospital], not to have camera crews or journalists so that [Kate] can recover from her surgery in ‍peace and also respect other patients’ privacy.”⁤

So it’s easy for William or the Middletons⁤ to bring George, ⁤Charlotte and Louis in and out of⁣ the hospital without anyone noticing.

One possible reason for why the young Waleses are staying away came ‍from the Sun which stated that “William and Kate want her absence to feel as normal as possible for ⁢their kids”. And Monday through Friday this seems totally reasonable.

But – here‌ we have a big ​‘but’ –‌ what about ‌last weekend?

The Waleses’ home at Adelaide Cottage is only around a forty-five minute drive from Kate’s hospital so it’s not like​ distance is an ​issue stopping them from seeing each other.

As⁢ a royal aide told Sunday Times’ Roya Nikkhah last week , William & Kate’s new motto during this health situation is, “family first all day long; work comes second.”

Does this match ⁤with not taking kids to see Kate?

An argument made by English at Mail says that “royals​ usually don’t ​visit each⁣ other in hospitals or only ⁤very rarely do.”

Some amazing “trick” photos can be produced by combining ideal lighting with the right location at the right moment!

A man in a nice swimsuit

When bearded guys look up:

Darth Vader is back. Does it make the same sounds?

“What did this palm tree find out?”

Did you think that this was toothpaste too?

Industries polluting the clean air

“The bottom of my eraser looks like a painting of birds in front of a row of trees.”

Giant pigeons

“I hope it’s just an illusion.”

This cat has fur eyes above its real eyes:

“Ducks will start to melt at 90°F.”

“This truck carrying rolls of plastic looks like Cookie Monster.”

Great muscles!

Don’t call the fire team just yet…

This is too cruel:

Don’t confuse them!

This backpack is very light, but what do you need it for?

What do you think about these photos? Which picture did you have to look at twice to understand what it was?

Two nuns are walking back to the convent at night when two men push them into a dark alley and start having sex with them.

One nun says

“God, forgive them for they know not what they are doing!”

The second nun says

“Speak for yours! Mine is a Master!”

Suddenly a big burly man walks in and slaps Ray so hard that he falls off the stool.

“That was a karate chop from Korea,” says the big man proudly.

Ray sighs, gets up and brushes the dust off his clothes, sits down on the stool and continues to drink his beer.

Suddenly he gets hit so hard that he flies into the wall.

“That was a kung-fu chop from China,” chuckles the big man.

Ray had had enough. He gets up, brushes off the dust and calmly leaves the pub.

After about an hour he returns, walks up behind the big guy who is now sitting at the bar, and whacks him so hard behind his ear that he blacks out.

Ray looks at the bartender and says:

“When he gets to, why don’t you tell him that was a shovel from the hardware store in Houston.”

A stranger drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”

Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!”

Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

“Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.

One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn’t dumb.

She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.

That night when he got home he told his joke.

She says, “I’m not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me.”

He thought for a moment and asked, “What is the capital of Massachusetts?”

She quickly replied, “M”!

A blonde walks into an appliance store and spots a TV she wants to buy.

She heads to the counter and says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman looks at her and says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell to blondes.”

Confused, the blonde walks out and dyes her hair brown. She returns to the store and says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman looks at her again and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you before, we don’t sell to blondes.”

She walks out again and dyes her hair black. She returns and says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman gives her a tired look and says, “I’ve told you, we don’t sell to blondes.”

Determined, she dyes her hair red and walks back into the store. She says, “I want to buy that TV.”

The salesman sighs and says, “Ma’am, I’ve told you four times now, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The blonde, frustrated, asks, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

The salesman looks at her and says, “Because, ma’am… that’s a microwave.”

A Rich Blonde Buying A New Sports Car

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car does not move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without success), she angrily calls the Jaguar dealers, and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and determines that there is nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, “Ma’am, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Angry, the rich blonde replies, “How on earth could you ask such a question!? I’m not stupid, you know! Of course, I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night.”

LOL!?!?

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!