Author: news

A man is mowing his lawn when 2 hearses come down his street going very very slowly.

The hearses are followed by a man walking a dog. And behind the man and the dog is a line of men walking single-file.

There must have been 5 or 6 dozen men following. Curious about the procession Man#1 runs to catch up with Man#2 and his dog.

Man#1 asks Man#2 who’s in the first hearse.

Man#2 replies, “My wife. My dog bit her. And she died in the hospital a bit later.”

Man#1 says, “I’m so very sorry for your loss. Mind if I ask who’s in the second hearse?”
Man#2 says, “Not at all, it’s my mother in law. My dog also bit her and she died later in the hospital.”

Man#1 replies, “Can I borrow your dog?”
Man#2, “Get in line.”

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

“Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Randy was in the hospital for a complete check-up.

At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.

At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up.

In preparation for the next day’s test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife,

“Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it!

If you refuse it, they sneak in while you’re asleep and shove it up your ass!

A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the firehouse.

Bell 1 rings and we all put our jackets on. Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we are on the truck and ready to go!”

“So,” he continues, “From now on, we’re going to run this house the same way.

When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed and when I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night! “

The wife is agreeable to this arrangement.

The next night, he came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1!” The wife took off all her clothes.

“Bell 2!”….. The wife jumped into bed.

“Bell 3!”….. They began passionate loving…

After two minutes, the wife yelled, “Bell 4!”.. The husband asked “What the hell is Bell 4?” “MORE HOSE!” she replied, “YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!”

John hoisted his beer and said:

“Here’s to spending the rest of my life,
between the legs of my wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife,

Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “What was your toast?’

John said: “Here’s to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside my wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “He told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”

There was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,

‘Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.’

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down.

I think there’s another one coming.’

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.

Within a few minutes, he had delivered a third baby.

‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?

We are all aware that math can occasionally feel like a foreign language, particularly to young children attempting to understand equations and numbers.

It’s similar to being thrust into a universe where everything appears to be the same but doesn’t quite fit together. However, it appears that our little hero is not only struggling with multiplication but is also finding the hilarious side of math class.

Here it is:

When a young child gets home from school, he informs his dad,

“Today, I received a F in math.”

“What happened?” his father responds.

“Well, my teacher asked me, ‘What’s 3 times 2?’ and I said 6.” the youngster adds.

“Oh, that’s right,” the father responds.

“I know,” says the boy. “What is two times three?” she then asked me.

“What the fuck is the difference?” the father then responds.

“That’s what I said,” the boy replies.

ADDITIONAL STORY: Do you urinate in bed?

In bed, do you fart?

Tell me if this story doesn’t make you cry from laughter, and I’ll say a prayer for you. This is a tale about a couple who had been blissfully married for years. The main source of conflict in their marriage was the husband’s noisy morning farts, which would wake his wife and cause her to gasp for air and cry.

She would beg him to stop tearing them off every morning because it was making her ill. He assured her that it was entirely natural and that he couldn’t stop it. She was worried that he would blow his mind one day, so she advised him to see a doctor.

He kept tearing them out as the years passed. Then, one Christmas morning, while she was cooking the turkey and hubby was asleep upstairs, she glanced at the liver, gizzard, neck, and innards, among other spare parts, and a malevolent notion occurred to her. She took the dish, went upstairs to her husband’s sleeping quarters, and spilled the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts while carefully drawing back the elastic waistband of his underwear and the bed linens. She heard her husband’s customary trumpeting wake him up, followed by a spine-tingling scream and the sound of his hurried footsteps as he dashed into the bathroom.

The wife rolled on the floor, laughing uncontrollably and with tears in her eyes! She believed that she had gotten him back fairly well after years of torture. Her husband arrived downstairs about twenty minutes later, wearing blood-stained underwear and wearing a horrified expression.

She asked him what was wrong, biting her lip. “Honey, you were right,” he said. You have warned me for years, but I have ignored you. “What do you mean?” his wife inquired. You always said that I would eventually fart my guts out, and today I did, but only with the help of two fingers and a little Vaseline. I believe I have most of them back in.

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”

The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”

The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”

…

..

.

The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

=========================

A senior citizen drove his brand-new Mercedes to 100 mph.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, … then 170, …

Suddenly he thought, “I’m too old for this nonsense !”

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

“Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.

Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before for why you were speeding.

I’ll let you go.”

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

“Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” !!!

The Cop left saying,

…

..

.

” Have a good day, Sir”

A woman walked into a pet shop and immediately noticed a large, beautiful parrot with a price tag of just $50.

“Why so cheap?” she asked.

The shop owner hesitated. “I’ve got to be honest with you… this parrot used to live in a b.r.o.thel. It might say some inappropriate things.”

The woman thought for a moment, then shrugged. “I’ve heard worse. I’ll take him.”

She brought the bird home, hung the cage in the living room, and waited.

The parrot looked around its new surroundings, then at the woman, and said:
“New house, new madam.”

A little shocked, she laughed it off.

Later that afternoon, her two teenage daughters came home from school.

The parrot observed them and said: “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The daughters burst out laughing, though slightly embarrassed.

But then the husband walked in from work.

The parrot tilted its head, gave him a long look, and said: “New house, new madam, new girls… old clients!”

LOL!!

A Man Goes Into A Pet Shop To Buy A Parrot.

One day, a man goes to a pet store to buy a parrot.

The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, “How much does the yellow cost?”

The assistant says, “$2000”.

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it is so expensive.

The assistant explains, “This parrot is a very special one. He knows to typewrite and can type really fast.”

“What about the green one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “He costs $5000 because he knows to typewrite and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

“What about the red one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, “That one’s $10000.”

The man says, “What does HE do?”

The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket.

“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an Irishman.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Scottish man.

They all board the train.

The Irishmen take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,”Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don’t buy a ticket at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed Irishman.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers a Scot.

When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Irishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

“I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total,” says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.”

So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” the oceans were teeming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.”

Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye “poof” there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Irishman says, “Please Fill it up with water.”