Author: news

The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to class.

Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your Mum!” she said.

“I did,” he said, “and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she’d come and pick me up from school”.

FINALLY…THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on It. ‘has your picture on It.

“The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

‘Here it is,’ she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…”

Three ducks walk into a bar.

“Hello, who are you?” the barman asks.

The first duck replies, “I’m Huey.”

“I bet you are,” says the barman. “And how’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great, thanks. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” smiles Huey.

“That’s nice,” says the bartender, turning to the second duck. “Hi, and who are you?”

“Dewey,” comes the reply.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” asks the barman.

“Great. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day as well. What more could a duck want?”

The barman turns to the third duck and says, “So, I bet you must be Louie?”

“No,” she says, with a coy smile. “I’m Puddles.”

Before Paddy goes to war he fits a chastity belt on his wife. He locks it and gives the key to his best friend Fergus.

“If I’m not back within 4 years, open and enjoy!”

He hops on his horse and hits the road.

Half an hour later he noticed a dust cloud behind him.

He stops and sees that it is Fergus.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

Out of breath, Fergus answers: “It’s the wrong key!!”

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?

The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”

The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”

The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.

The window won’t open.. and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.”

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?

I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most!

What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working. SL: Of course it’s not working.

The man did the only logical thing.

He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way.

He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

“He lives in a home with four children –he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?”

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.”

The woman, in disbelief said “1956?!

That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.”

The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said

“Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…”

The general looked at her, confused, and replied

I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said,

“Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”

“We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.

“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.”

“But officer,” replied the second blonde,

“we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the warden,

“take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

“What a dumb cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!”