Author: news

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within a minute a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, “Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.”

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn’t find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal “TSA Pat Down.”

They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, can you come and get me?”

He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”

Welcome to the golden years…

A blond had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”

“Yes, officer, I’m just fine.” the blond chirped.

“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blond began.

“I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was…”

“Uh, ma’am?”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.

He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”

“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”

The businessman sits down.

“So what would you like?” asks the barber.

“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

“I can’t do all that!” he says.

…

..

.

“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”

================================

Three women went into a bar and ordered their drinks

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”Bartender:”What is a B and C?”.

Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”

Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”

Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”

Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”

Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”

Bartender: “What’s a 15?”

…

..

.

Blonde: “7 and 7”

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing.

He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.

The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.”

She says, “Because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”

Again the husband stays quiet but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.

She pushes her luck.

“I want a house.” She says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

“I want the car, too.” She continues.

65mph.

“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, and the boat!”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.

“Oh, really,” she inquires. “So what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.

“The airbag!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and – abracadabra! – the husband was 92 years old.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A person should see a dermatologist if they have cysts, nodules, and deep, painful acne.

They have late-onset or persistent acne: Late-onset acne may occur in adults who have never previously had the condition. Persistent acne is a relapse or continuation of acne from adolescence into adulthood

When Prince Harry introduced his then-girlfriend Meghan Markle to his brother, Prince William, the two were said to have “clicked” right away.

William was very fond of her, although she believed at the time that the relationship between the two would be “trying” from the off, according to Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand, authors of the Pro-Sussex biography Finding Freedom.

“She was self-aware enough to understand that the brothers were wary of women who were more interested in their titles than their wellbeing,” Scobie and Durand wrote in the book. “And she couldn’t have come from a more different world than that of William, his wife, and most of their friends.”

The first-ever encounter between William and Meghan was quite pleasant for both of them.

William was reported to have said to his brother’s girlfriend: “I was looking forward to meeting the girl who has put that silly grin on my brother’s face.”

However, despite the initial connection, William believed Harry was rushing things with Meghan and advised him to take it slow, which Harry didn’t like.

“William soon began to wonder about some of Meghan’s traits and motivations,” a source told the Daily Mail, as revealed by the Express.

“He was worried that at times she seemed to be more concerned about her personal progression or profile over the wider goals and aims of the Royal Family.

The future king was said to have told his brother, “Don’t feel you need to rush this,” and “Take as much time as you need to get to know this girl.” Allegedly, Harry got upset by the phrase “this girl,” but all William wanted was “to make sure that Harry wasn’t blindsided by lust,” Omid Scobie wrote.

Eventually, William decided not to interfere because he could see Meghan was trying to do adjustments in order to fit in the family.

When it comes to Meghan and Kate, their relationship hasn’t been a close one since the beginning. The reason why, according to royal authors Omid Scobie and Carolyn Durand, was that the two never made real efforts to get to know each other better.

“Meghan would agree with the assessment that the Duchesses were not the best of friends,” they wrote in Finding Freedom. “Their relationship hadn’t progressed much since [Markle] was Harry’s girlfriend.”

Further, the authors claimed that Meghan expected some form of support from Kate, especially during the hard time she had experienced with the press, but she didn’t receive it.

According to what Harry wrote in Spare, Meghan and Kate got into an argument prior to the Sussexes’ wedding.

Allegedly, Kate wasn’t happy with Princess Charlotte’s dress, who was a flower-girl.

However, although Kate claimed her daughter was in distress because of the dress, which allegedly was “too big, too long, too baggy,” she refused to meet Meghan’s tailor at Kensington Palace to have it fixed.

“Meg asked if Kate was aware of what was going on right now. With her father,” Harry said. “Kate said she was well aware, but the dresses. And the wedding is in four days!”

“I’m not sure what else to say. If the dress doesn’t fit then, please take Charlotte to see Ajay. He’s been waiting all day,” Meghan texted Kate, according to Harry.

Kate replied with, “Fine,” Harry explained in his all-tell memoir.

The relationship between the two has been stranded ever since Harry and Meghan stepped down from their royal duties. However, when Kate disclosed with the public her cancer diagnosis some months ago, the Sussexes reached out to her, sharing their concerns and offering support.

Meghan refuses to travel to Britain with her children due to the lack of protection, which further deepens the rift with the rest of the royals.

A Couple Goes In A Bar
The wife says,
“Hey! Look at that funny guy who’s been drinking a lot.”

The husband responds,
“Who is he?”

The wife answers,
“Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him marriage.”

“Oh, my God! He’s still celebrating his freedom!” says the husband.

A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.

The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.

The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.

The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.

The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”

They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.

On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.

The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.

The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”

======================================

An old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”

…

..

.

“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..”

A businessman is driving through a small town, on his way to an important presentation, when he realizes he needs a haircut and doesn’t have much extra time.

He remembers there’s a little barbershop on the corner so he stops, and a short while later he’s back on his way.

A week or two passes, and he pulls into the little barbershop again.

“Hello again, Sir,” the barber says. “What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I’d like another haircut, but I’m awfully particular. Can I make a few requests this time?”

“Of course,” says the barber. “Anything you want. Take a seat.”

The businessman sits down.

“So what would you like?” asks the barber.

“Well, for starters, I want you to cut my right sideburn an inch shorter than my left.

For my mustache, I want the sides chopped so it looks a little like Hitler’s.

Cut the hair on the nape of my neck at a 5-degree angle instead of straight across. Make sure to give me a slight cowlick.

I want my hair parted on the left, but unevenly.

Cut exactly two little divots out on the back of my head.

When you use the clippers, I want the two sides slightly different lengths.

Blend the sides in, but don’t blend in the back.

And when you put the hair gel in, comb the front straight forward and the hair on the top of my head to the rear.”

The barber is taken aback by all these odd requests.

“I can’t do all that!” he says.

…

..

.

“Why not?” the businessman asks. “That’s what you did last time.”

================================

Three women went into a bar and ordered their drinks

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”Bartender:”What is a B and C?”.

Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”

Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”

Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”

Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”

Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”

Bartender: “What’s a 15?”

…

..

.

Blonde: “7 and 7”

A little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar backward.

The little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backward.

The man, who was a priest, said,

‘I am a Father.’

The little Johnny replied,

‘My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn’t wear his collar like that’

The priest looked up from his book and answered,

“I am the Father of many.’

The Little boy said,

“My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said.

‘I am the Father of hundreds, and went back to reading his book.

The little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

“Maybe you should wear a c0ndom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

On occasion, school can be dull. As a student, I bet you slept off some of the lectures you didn’t particularly enjoy.

That occurred far too frequently to a girl called Mary Margaret.

The Catholic educator wanted to know Mary Margaret’s thoughts on her tendency to take naps during class.

The replies she received, though, were completely unexpected. You will adore reading the story that follows.

Catholic school was not the best place for little Mary Margaret to learn since she often dozed off.

While she was fast asleep one day, her nun instructor paid her a visit.

“Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”

As soon as Mary Margaret remained motionless, her little pal Johnny, who was seated behind her, grabbed his pencil and poked her in the back.

“God Almighty!” Mary Margaret shouted.

After saying, “Very good,” the nun resumed her lesson.

“Who is our Lord and Savior?” the Nun eventually asked Mary Margaret.

However, Mary remained still in her slumber.

Johnny rescued her once more and sent Mary Margaret to the last place.

Mary Margaret yelled out, “Jesus Christ!!!”; the nun repeated, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret went back to sleep.

Thirdly, the nun wanted to know…“What were Eve’s words to Adam following the birth of her twenty-third child?”

Once again, Johnny stepped in to help.

“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” Mary Margaret yelled this time.

The nun fainted.