Author: news

They have an incredible night together.

In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time,

Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”

He declines.

“Thanks for asking, but, I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Via*ra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something.

“How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

He declines. “The Via*ra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

“Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”

He declines again.

“No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Via*ra. I’m still not hungry.”

“Well,” she says,

“Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”

In this amusing short tale, three elderly gentlemen visit a doctor for a memory test.

When asked, “What is three times three?” the first man answers “274,” and the second replies “Tuesday,” showcasing their memory struggles and confusion.

The third man, however, confidently responds with “Nine,” demonstrating his mental sharpness.

The humor lies in the stark contrast between the third man’s correct answer and the others’ hilariously off-the-mark responses.

Tom Reynolds boarded his flight to Chicago and made his way to the aisle seat he had reserved. To his surprise, a blonde woman was already sitting there.

“Excuse me,” Tom said, trying to stay polite. “That’s my seat. I specifically booked it.”

The woman looked up and said confidently, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in Chicago.”

Tom frowned and checked her ticket. Sure enough, it clearly showed she was assigned the middle seat.

“Your ticket says you’re in the middle,” he pointed out. “I booked this aisle seat because I’m six-foot-five, and I need the legroom. You’re, what, five-foot-one? You’ll be just fine in the middle seat.”

The blonde, completely unfazed, repeated, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in Chicago.”

The woman in the window seat chimed in, “You should probably move. My ex was only six-foot-one, and he always needed the aisle seat to avoid feeling cramped.”

Still, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, and I’m sitting in this aisle seat until the plane lands in Chicago.”

Frustrated, Tom finally called over a flight attendant. After listening to the situation, the attendant nodded, leaned down, and whispered something in the blonde’s ear.

Suddenly, the blonde’s expression changed. Without a word, she grabbed her things and moved to the middle seat.

Relieved, Tom settled into his aisle seat.

After landing in Chicago, curiosity got the better of him. He approached the flight attendant and asked, “What did you say to her?”

The attendant grinned. “I told her the aisle seat wasn’t going to Chicago.”

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing.

He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.

The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.”

She says, “Because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”

Again the husband stays quiet but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.

She pushes her luck.

“I want a house.” She says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

“I want the car, too.” She continues.

65mph.

“And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards, and the boat!”

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.

“No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says.

“Oh, really,” she inquires. “So what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles.

“The airbag!”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic wand and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for a moment and said, “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish…

So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and – abracadabra! – the husband was 92 years old.

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An old couple, George and Martha, are sitting on their front porch rocking in their chairs, watching the sun go down like they have every evening for the past 40 years.

George turns to Martha and says, “You know, Martha, I’m proud of us. All these years, through thick and thin, we’ve stuck together.”

Martha smiles sweetly and replies, “What was that, dear?”

George raises his voice, “I said—I’m proud of us!”

Martha squints. “You’re… proud of the bus?”

“No! US! YOU AND ME!”

“Oh!” she says. “Well that’s nice. I’m proud of the bus too, though. It’s always on time.”

George sighs, shakes his head, and mutters, “I told you to get those hearing aids checked.”

Martha waves a hand, “Nonsense. I hear just fine.”

Next day, they go to the doctor’s office to finally get Martha’s hearing tested. After some time, the doctor comes out and says, “Well, good news—Martha’s hearing can be helped with a new state-of-the-art hearing aid. But it’ll cost about $3,000.”

George nearly falls out of his chair. “Three thousand dollars?! Does it come with surround sound and a Spotify subscription?”

But Martha gets the hearing aid, and after a week, the doctor calls George for a follow-up.

“So, how’s Martha doing with her new hearing aid?”

George says, “Fantastic. I’ve tested her a few times. I stand behind her and ask a question quietly to see how far she can hear.”

“Really?” the doctor says. “That’s a good method. How far back did you go?”

“Well,” George says, “last night I stood about 20 feet behind her while she was cooking and said, ‘What’s for dinner?’ No answer. So I got closer—15 feet. Still nothing. Ten feet—still no reply. Finally, I was right behind her and said, ‘What’s for dinner?’”

The doctor asks, “And what did she say?”

George sighs, “She turned around and yelled, ‘For the FOURTH time, GEORGE—it’s CHICKEN!’”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

An old married couple went camping.

An old married couple were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, the wife woke her husband and said, “Look at the stars and tell me what you see.”

The husband replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

The wife said, “And what do you make of that?”

The husband replied, “Well if there are millions of stars and even some of them have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

There was a slight pause before the wife said: “No honey, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

LOL!! 

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A married couple got into an accident and the husband’s face was badly burned.

The doctor told him that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”

“My darling,” she replied. “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party.

It was well past 10 when he remembered. “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”

He grabbed his bucket, and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!!”

A husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.”

His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!”

The husband said, “I know all that.”

“Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife.

The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

An elderly couple, Agnes and Arthur, were celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary.

The local newspaper wanted to interview them about their long and happy marriage.

The young reporter sat down with them, notepad in hand, a picture of eager anticipation on her face. “Seventy years!” she exclaimed. “That’s absolutely incredible! What’s the secret to such a long and happy marriage?”

Agnes, a twinkle in her eye, leaned forward. “Well, dear,” she began, her voice a little raspy but full of warmth, “it all started back when Arthur and I were just courting. He was a handsome young lad, a real charmer, though a bit clumsy. One day, we were walking by the creek, holding hands, and he tripped. Down he went, right into the muddy water!”

Arthur, sitting beside her, chuckled softly, a fond smile on his wrinkled face. “Oh, she’s going to tell that story again,” he murmured good-naturedly.

Agnes continued, undeterred. “Yes, well, there he was, covered head to toe in mud, looking like a drowned rat. And what did I do? I burst out laughing! I couldn’t help myself. He looked so utterly ridiculous.”

The reporter scribbled furiously, thinking, “Ah, so humor is the key!”

Agnes went on, “Well, Arthur, being the sweet man he was, didn’t get angry. He just looked up at me, all muddy and forlorn, and said, ‘Agnes, if you’re going to laugh at me every time I do something silly, this isn’t going to work.’”

The reporter paused her writing, a slightly confused look on her face. This wasn’t quite the heartwarming secret she was expecting.

Agnes leaned in further, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. “And that’s when I made a promise to him, right there by that muddy creek.”

Arthur nodded, his eyes twinkling now. “She did.”

“I promised him,” Agnes declared dramatically, “that from that day forward, I would never laugh at him again.”

The reporter looked up, her pen poised, finally ready for the big reveal. “And… and you kept that promise?” she asked breathlessly.

Agnes smiled sweetly at Arthur. “Oh yes, dear. I haven’t laughed at him since.”

The reporter beamed. “That’s amazing! Such dedication! So, the secret is never to laugh at your husband?”

Agnes paused, a mischievous glint returning to her eye. She looked at Arthur, then back at the reporter. “Well, not out loud anyway.”

Arthur burst out laughing, a hearty, booming sound that filled the room. “That’s my Agnes,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “Seventy years, and she still gets me.”

The reporter, slightly bewildered but smiling nonetheless, wrote down the final words: “The secret to a long and happy marriage: Never laugh at your husband out loud.”

An elderly couple, Harold and Edna, had been married for over 60 years.

An elderly couple, Harold and Edna, had been married for over 60 years.

They had shared everything, talked about everything, and kept no secrets from each other—except for one.

Edna had a shoebox in her closet, and she had told Harold never to open it or ask about it. For decades, he respected her wishes, never giving the box a second thought.

One day, Edna fell gravely ill, and the doctor told Harold she didn’t have much time left. With a heavy heart, Harold sat beside his wife and said, “Edna, I love you. We’ve been through everything together. Before you go, can I finally know what’s inside that shoebox?”

Edna smiled weakly and nodded. “Go ahead and open it, dear.”

Harold opened the box and was astonished to find two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000!

Confused, he asked, “Edna, what is this?”

She took his hand and explained, “Before we got married, my grandmother gave me some advice. She told me that every time I got angry with you, instead of arguing, I should crochet a doll.”

Harold’s eyes welled up with tears. After all these years together, there were only two dolls in the box! “Edna,” he said, overcome with emotion, “that means you’ve only been mad at me twice in 60 years?”

She nodded with a sweet smile.

Harold beamed. “That’s amazing, my love. But… what about all this money?”

“Oh,” Edna said, patting his hand. “That’s from selling all the other dolls.”

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and k.i.lling all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day the sheriff had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW–SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been k.i.lled since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…”

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: NU.DIST COLONY

One evening, a husband—feeling a little too confident for his own good—decided to tease his wife.

“Maybe we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast,” he chuckled.

“Could take a few inches off your backside!”

Cue the awkward silence.

His wife, however, was not one to let such comments go unanswered.

The next morning, as the husband reached into his drawer for a fresh pair of underwear, a mysterious puff of powder burst into the air.

He coughed and blinked. “What the heck?!”

“APRIL!” he called out, holding the underwear at arm’s length. “Why is there talcum powder in my boxers?!”

From the bathroom, his wife called back sweetly: “Oh, honey… that’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle-Gro.”

LOL!!

Hope this joke will make you smile! Have a nice day!!

A woman’s husband had been drifting in and out of a coma for months

A woman’s husband had been drifting in and out of a coma for months, but she never left his side.

Every single day, she sat by him, holding his hand and hoping for his recovery.

One day, he finally opened his eyes, looked around, and motioned for her to come closer.

She leaned in, her heart racing with relief and joy. His voice was weak, but he managed to whisper, tears glistening in his eyes, “You know something? You’ve been with me through every tough moment in my life.”

She smiled warmly as he continued, “When I lost my job, you were there for me. When my business went under, you stood by my side. When I got s.h.o.t, you were right there in the hospital. When we lost the house, you stayed with me. And when my health started to fail, you never left.”

Her heart swelled with emotion as she whispered back, “Oh, darling, that’s so sweet. What are you trying to say?”

He took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and said, “I think you’re cursed.”

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys.

So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, “Johnnie”.

“Right”, he said, “what about that blond one over there?”

“Johnnie”, she said.

“Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?”

“Johnnie”, she said.

“Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?”

“Johnnie”, she said.

“Are all your boys called Johnnie?” he asked, “Isn`t that terribly complicated?”

“Not at all”, she said, “it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed.”

“I see. But what if you want only one of them?”

“No problem.” she answers. Then I call them by their surnames.”

An old mountaineer and his young ex-wife were fighting over custody of their children.

The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, “Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?”

For two solid hours,

the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.

“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren?”

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. “Five tickets, please,” the father said.

“Two round trip, three one way.”