Author: news

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.

After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “What do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying, “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

Unbutton my blouse..

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand…

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.

Two o’clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. “Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness

A lady next To him says,

“What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”

Irish man – “I’m celebrating.”

Lady – “Me too.”

Irish man – “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”

Lady – “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”

Irishman – “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”

Lady – “Wow! How did that happen?”

Irishman – “I used a different cock.”

Lady smiled and said,

“WHAT A COINCIDENCE !!!”

A Woman Was out Golfing One Day when She Hit the Ball into the Woods:

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her. “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said. “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.”

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said. “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her. “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.”

The woman replied. “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said. “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said. “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, ABRA-KADA-BRA-KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services.

He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state­of­theart method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

An old man used to call his wife “mother of six” .
Since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her.
“Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?”

He would yell to her from the living room.
“Mother of six, is dinner ready?” He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.
She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the whole family was reunited at the table.
The old man took a deep breath and yelled to his wife in front of everybody

“MOTHER OF SIX! PLEASE COME HERE”
She walked into the room and said
“What do you want, father of 3?

On a cruise ship, a fascinating lady goes to the bar and demands a Scotch, stating that she wants it with only two drops of water. The bartender had no idea he was going to become a part of a fantastic narrative.

With a glint in her eye, the woman reveals some personal information to the bartender as he gives her a drink. She says that she’s on the cruise to celebrate her 80th birthday, which is really today.

Her story moves the bartender, who decides to be kind in order to make her day even better. “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink,” he offers. Actually, this one is on me.” The lady accepts and enjoys her complimentary drink.

However, the thoughtful gesture is not forgotten. The woman to her right is affected by the event as well, and she offers to buy her a drink as well. “Thank you,” says the old lady, grateful for the companionship and goodwill. “I’d like a Scotch with two drops of water, bartender.”

She savors her drink once more, and then the guy to her left joins in the impromptu celebration. He, too, wants to give her a drink as a polite gesture. And, once again, the woman accepts graciously, saying, “Thank you.” “I’d like another Scotch with two drops of water, bartender.”

The bartender, who is interested in this process, can’t help but show his interest. He poses the burning question: “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity; why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

“Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor,” the elderly woman says, with a wicked gleam in her eye and a touch of wisdom. But holding your drink is another story.”

This endearing joke tells us that age may offer wisdom and a sense of humor about life’s difficulties. It also reminds us that, even on an 80th birthday cruise, the elderly have their own distinct way of enjoying life’s basic joys and fellowship.

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says,

“Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.”

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she’s completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,

“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman,
“Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.

”After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says,

“It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

To which, the drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.”

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this mall town.He really wanted to impress everyone.He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on

this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking… “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million…” “Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…” “Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…” This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.

’90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’

‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’