Author: news

A man who drank alot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”. Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt. He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”. His friend said.

“I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”. He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,

“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”. His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money. “Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there? ”.“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”.

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. In classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.

Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock , I was just wondering if you were my son

An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing.
He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it.

He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing.

He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs,

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

No answer. He goes downstairs and yells

“Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer.

He enters the living room and yells again

“Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer.

He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells

“What’s for supper?” and still, no answer.

Finally, he stands right behind her and asks

“Honey. What’s. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says

“Damn!t Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274″ was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn.”

What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” says the third man. “I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping…

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

“He lives in a home with four children –he’s trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?”

The Supreme Court on Monday ruled that former President Donald Trump could not be removed from the ballot in Colorado or any other state.

A sweeping and historic ruling that brushed aside a lawsuit claiming that he disqualified himself from office because of his actions on January 6, 2021.

The Supreme Court on Monday ruled that former President Donald Trump could not be removed from the ballot in

10 Takeaways From Trump’s Win on Election Night 2024 – The New York Times
Colorado or any other state – a sweeping and historic ruling that brushed aside a lawsuit claiming that he disqualified himself from office because of his actions on January 6, 2021.

But the justices did not say if Trump was in fact an insurrectionist and split on technicalities of how the ban could be enforced – a distinction with potentially broad consequences

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.””Well,” says the little girl,

“Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me,and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs.

Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.””Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?”“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off,

and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.””Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?” “Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently

When Daniel was 17 years old, his parents made the difficult decision for him to let someone else adopt his baby. As a result, he had to say goodbye to his son and carry the weight of that choice for years to come.

Now, at the age of 27, Daniel has found his calling as a coach for a kids’ baseball team. Little did he know, his life was about to take an unexpected turn. While coaching, he meets a boy named Robert who bears a striking resemblance to his old girlfriend, Emily. This sparks a surge of emotions and a nagging thought: could Robert be his long-lost son?

Daniel and Emily were young and unprepared to become parents when tragedy struck. Emily unfortunately passed away during childbirth, leaving Daniel with the immense responsibility of caring for their baby. With Emily’s parents unable to take on the role, Daniel’s parents suggested they give the baby up for adoption. This decision haunted Daniel as he continued to coach kids the same age his son would have been.

When Daniel noticed the uncanny resemblance between Robert and Emily, he couldn’t resist investigating further. He approached Robert’s mom, Nina, and candidly shared his story. Together, they decided to undergo a DNA test to determine the truth. As fate would have it, the results confirmed that Robert was indeed Daniel’s biological son.

Filled with a mix of emotions, Nina believed it was important for Robert to know the truth. They decided to tell him and let him decide if he wanted to pursue a relationship with Daniel.

Over time, Daniel and Robert’s bond grew stronger, and Daniel found himself growing closer to Nina as well. The unfolding of this unexpected reunion led to a profound love between the three of them. They ultimately decided to get married, creating the loving, complete family that Robert had always yearned for.