{"id":6721,"date":"2025-05-28T08:25:19","date_gmt":"2025-05-28T07:25:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/?p=6721"},"modified":"2025-05-28T08:25:19","modified_gmt":"2025-05-28T07:25:19","slug":"the-old-lady-and-the-speeding-ticket","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/?p=6721","title":{"rendered":"The Old Lady and the Speeding Ticket"},"content":{"rendered":"

One sunny afternoon, an 82-year-old lady named Mrs. Gertrude Simmons was pulled over by a highway patrol officer for going 70 in a 45 mph zone.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

The young officer approached the car, glanced at the fluffy pink steering wheel cover, the bobblehead cat on the dashboard, and Mrs. Simmons, barely peeking over the wheel in her giant sunglasses and leopard-print sun hat.<\/p>\n

Officer: \u201cMa\u2019am, do you realize how fast you were going?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mrs. Simmons: \u201cWell, I had the radio on real loud and the car seemed to be enjoying it. I didn\u2019t want to kill the vibe.\u201d<\/p>\n

Officer (smiling slightly): \u201cLicense and registration, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mrs. Simmons fumbled through her enormous purse, pulling out items one by one: a tin of hard candies, knitting needles, a dog leash with no dog, and a laminated church bulletin from 1993. Finally, she handed over her license with a grin that suggested she may or may not fully understand the seriousness of the situation.<\/p>\n

Officer: \u201cDo you know why I pulled you over?\u201d<\/p>\n

Mrs. Simmons: \u201cOf course! You young folks are always looking for an excuse to talk to a classy older lady.\u201d<\/p>\n

Officer (trying not to laugh): \u201cNo ma\u2019am, you were speeding.\u201d<\/p>\n

She leaned in, squinted at his badge, and said, \u201cWell, Officer Martinez, I\u2019ve got a casserole in the oven, a cat stuck in the laundry hamper, and a bingo game starting in 20 minutes. Unless you want a riot at the senior center, I suggest we wrap this up.\u201d<\/p>\n

The officer was completely thrown off. \u201cOkay\u2026 but speeding is still\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Mrs. Simmons interrupted: \u201cNow listen, Sonny. I\u2019ve been driving since Elvis was skinny, and if I made it through the \u201970s without a seatbelt and with a map the size of a tablecloth, I think I can handle a little extra speed on a sunny Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n

Before the officer could respond, she added, \u201cBesides, I was being tailgated by some maniac on a scooter. I think he was trying to race me!\u201d<\/p>\n

Officer: \u201cMa\u2019am\u2026 that was a kid on a tricycle.\u201d<\/p>\n

She gasped. \u201cHe\u2019s got a future in NASCAR, I\u2019ll tell you that.\u201d<\/p>\n

After a long pause, the officer finally chuckled, gave her a warning, and told her to slow down.<\/p>\n

As he walked back to his car, Mrs. Simmons rolled down her window and shouted, \u201cHey! You single? My granddaughter\u2019s a nurse, great cook, and only slightly more sarcastic than me!\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughed and waved her on.<\/p>\n

And Mrs. Simmons drove off into the sunset\u2014at exactly 45 miles per hour. Mostly.<\/p>\n

\n

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food<\/strong><\/h2>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.<\/strong><\/h2>\n

She picked up four cans and headed to the checkout counter.<\/p>\n

The cashier looked at her and said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but we can\u2019t sell you cat food without proof that you actually have a cat. Management says some elderly people buy it to eat, so we need to make sure it\u2019s for your pet.\u201d<\/p>\n

Frustrated, the little old lady went home, grabbed her cat, and brought it back to the store. Satisfied, the cashier sold her the cat food.<\/p>\n

The next day, she returned to buy two cans of dog food. Again, the cashier stopped her. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but we can\u2019t sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. Management has the same concerns about dog food.\u201d<\/p>\n

Annoyed but determined, the little old lady went home, brought her dog back to the store, and was finally allowed to buy the dog food.<\/p>\n

On the third day, she came back carrying a small box with a hole in the lid. She approached the same cashier and said, \u201cStick your finger in this hole.\u201d<\/p>\n

The cashier hesitated. \u201cNo way! What if there\u2019s a snake or something dangerous in there?\u201d<\/p>\n

The little old lady reassured her. \u201cI promise, there\u2019s nothing in this box that can hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Reluctantly, the cashier stuck her finger into the hole, then quickly pulled it back out, wrinkling her nose. \u201cThat smells like crap!\u201d she exclaimed.<\/p>\n

The little old lady smiled. \u201cIt is. Now, I\u2019d like to buy three rolls of toilet paper.\u201d<\/p>\n

Moral of the story: Don\u2019t mess with old people.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

One sunny afternoon, an 82-year-old lady named Mrs. Gertrude Simmons was pulled over by a highway patrol officer for going 70 in a 45 mph zone. The young officer approached the car, glanced at the fluffy pink steering wheel cover, the bobblehead cat on the dashboard, and Mrs. Simmons, barely peeking over the wheel in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2721,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6721","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-random-stuff"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6721","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6721"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6721\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6722,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6721\/revisions\/6722"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2721"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6721"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6721"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6721"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}