{"id":5442,"date":"2025-03-14T06:05:48","date_gmt":"2025-03-14T06:05:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/?p=5442"},"modified":"2025-03-14T06:05:48","modified_gmt":"2025-03-14T06:05:48","slug":"i-didnt-recognize-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/?p=5442","title":{"rendered":"I Didn\u2019t Recognize You."},"content":{"rendered":"

A middle-aged woman has a heart a.ttack and is taken to the hospital.<\/h2>\n

While on the operating table, she has a near-d.eath experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.<\/p>\n

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck \u2013 you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she\u2019s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.<\/p>\n

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is k. lled by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.<\/p>\n

She arrives in front of God and asks, \u201cI thought you said I had another 30-40 years?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, \u201d\u00a0<\/strong>Said God.\u00a0\u201cI didn\u2019t recognize you.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A man named Jack strides into John\u2019s Stable looking to buy a horse.<\/h2>\n

\u201cListen here,\u201d says John, the owner. \u201cI\u2019ve got just the horse you\u2019re looking for. The only thing is he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn\u2019t stop and go the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to yell \u2018heyhey!\u2019, and the way to get him to go is by yelling \u2018Thank God!’\u201d<\/p>\n

Jim nodded his head. \u201cFine with me. Can I take him for a test run?\u201d<\/p>\n

John agrees. A few minutes later, Jim is having the time of his life, thinking to himself that the horse sure could run fast. As he speeds down a dirt road, he panics as he realizes there\u2019s a cliff-edge fast approaching.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop!\u201d screams Jim, to no avail. He remembers what he has to say to make the horse stop just five feet from the edge and yells: \u201cHEYHEY!\u201d The horse skids to a halt, with just an inch to spare before a sheer drop of hundreds of feet.<\/p>\n

Gasping, Jim looks over the cliff-edge in disbelief at his good fortune. He looks up to the sky, raises his hands in the air and breathes a deep sigh of relief.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d\u00a0<\/strong>he says, relieved.\u00a0\u201cThank God!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa\u2019s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.<\/h2>\n

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.<\/p>\n

Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.<\/p>\n

Finally the little girl asks, \u201cGrandpa, did God make you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe sure did honey, a long time ago,\u201d replies her grandpa.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, did God make me?\u201d asks the little girl.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, He did, and that wasn\u2019t too long ago,\u201d answers her grandpa.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoy,\u201d says the little girl, \u201cHe\u2019s sure doing a lot better job these days isn\u2019t He?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God,<\/h2>\n

\u201cHow long is a billion years to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

God says, \u201cA billion years is like a second to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man asks, \u201cWell, how much is a billion dollars to you?\u201d<\/p>\n

God says, \u201cA billion dollars is like a penny to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

So the man says, \u201cGod, can I have a penny?\u201d<\/p>\n

And God replies, \u201cIn a sec.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A middle-aged woman has a heart a.ttack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she has a near-d.eath experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2718,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5442","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-random-stuff"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5442","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5442"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5442\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5443,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5442\/revisions\/5443"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2718"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5442"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5442"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/buzzfeednews.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5442"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}