My husband, Jake, surprised me by giving me a timetable to follow so that I could \u201cbecome a better wife.\u201d But I went along with it rather than losing my cool. Jake had no idea that I was going to give him a lesson that would cause him to reconsider his recently adopted marital philosophy.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve always taken great satisfaction in being the sensible one in our union. Jake, God bless him, was easily drawn into new hobbies or sucked by some odd YouTube video that claimed to make a big difference in his life in three simple steps.<\/p>\n
However, before Jake met Steve, we were strong. Steve was the kind of guy who, in his loud and opinionated way, thought he was right and would shout over you if you tried to correct him.<\/p>\n
Apart from being a perennial single (who would have thought?), he was also a kind relationship advisor to all of his married coworkers, including Jake. Jake ought to have known better, but my sweetie was completely enamored with Steve\u2019s self-assurance.<\/p>\n
It went unnoticed until Jake began to make some nasty remarks.<\/p>\n
\u201cSteve says relationships work best when the wife takes charge of the household,\u201d he used to say. Or, \u201cSteve thinks it\u2019s important for women to look good for their husbands, no matter how long they\u2019ve been married.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was starting to grate on my nerves, though, so I would roll my eyes and respond with something caustic. Jake was evolving. If I bought takeout instead of making dinner, he would raise an eyebrow and sigh at me for letting the laundry pile up because, heaven forbid, I worked a full-time job.<\/p>\n
Then it took place. He brought The List home with him one evening.<\/p>\n
He pulled out a piece of paper, pushed it across to me, and sat me down at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
He began, \u201cI\u2019ve been thinking,\u201d exuding a condescending tone that I had not heard from him before. \u201cLisa, you make a fantastic wife. However, things could be done better.\u201d<\/p>\n
My brows furrowed. \u201cOh really?\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded, not realizing he was about to enter a dangerous area. Yes. Steve assisted me in realizing that if you only put in a little more effort, our marriage may be much better.\u201d<\/p>\n
I fixed my gaze on the paper before me. It was a timetable. and he had bolded and wrote at the top, \u201cLisa\u2019s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife\u201d.<\/p>\n
This man had actually taken the time to sit down and plotted out my entire week according to what Steve, a single man with no dating experience, felt I ought to do in order to \u201cimprove\u201d as a wife.<\/p>\n
Every day at five in the morning, I was meant to get up and make Jake a fancy breakfast. I would then spend an hour at the gym to \u201cstay in shape.\u201d<\/p>\n
Following that? A fun list of tasks to complete: laundry, ironing, and cleaning. That was everything before I departed for my job. Every night I was expected to make a homemade dinner and serve gourmet snacks to Jake and his buddies when they came over to hang out.<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t even sure where to begin with how offensive and sexist the entire thing was. I found myself gazing at him, questioning whether my spouse had gone insane.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is going to be fantastic for both of us,\u201d he said, unaware.<\/p>\n
\u201cSteve says it\u2019s important to maintain structure, and I think you could benefit from \u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI could benefit from what?\u201d I cut in, sounding dangerously composed. Jake blinked, startled by the interruption, but he straightened out fast.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, you know, from having some guidance and a schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask him if he had become a death wisher and toss that paper in his face. Rather, I did something that even startled me: I grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right, Jake,\u201d I remarked kindly. \u201cYou created me this timetable, and I\u2019m really grateful. I\u2019ll get going tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face showed quick relief. I got up and put the list on the fridge, almost feeling sorry for him. Nearly. He was clueless about what was ahead.<\/p>\n
I couldn\u2019t help but smile the following day as I looked over the absurd schedule once more. If Jake believed he could present me with a list of \u201cimprovements,\u201d he was going to discover the true extent of structure our existence could support.<\/p>\n
Taken out of the bag, I started a new document on my laptop called \u201cJake\u2019s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.\u201d Did he wish for the ideal wife? Alright. But excellence came at a price.<\/p>\n
I started by enumerating everything he had recommended, starting with the gym membership he was so excited about. It really was hilarious.<\/p>\n
\u201c$1,200 for a personal trainer.\u201d I giggled a little as I typed.<\/p>\n
The food arrived next. Jake was not going to be able to afford to eat like a king on our existing shopping budget. Everything organic, non-GMO, and free-range? That was not cheap material.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy monthly grocery budget is $700,\u201d I wrote. He would most likely have to help out with a cooking lesson as well. Pricey, maybe, but then, perfection didn\u2019t come for cheap.<\/p>\n
I laughed to myself as I sat back in my chair, picturing Jake\u2019s reaction when he saw this. I wasn\u2019t done, though. The pi\u00e8ce de r\u00e9sistance, oh no, was yet to come.<\/p>\n
You see, I couldn\u2019t possibly balance all of these demands and keep my job at the same time. Jake would have to make up the difference in my pay if he wanted me to devote all of my time to his ridiculous schedule.<\/p>\n
I opened a calculator and calculated how much my income would be. Then I put it on the list with the following tiny notation: \u201c$75,000 annually to replace Lisa\u2019s salary as she will now work as your personal assistant, maid, and chef full-time.\u201d<\/p>\n
At this point, laughing pained my stomach.<\/p>\n
I also added a suggestion that he should expand the house just to be safe. Ultimately, if he planned to host his friends on a regular basis, they would want a designated area that wouldn\u2019t interfere with my just arranged, incredibly regimented existence.<\/p>\n
\u201c$50,000 to build a separate \u2018man cave\u2019 so Jake and his friends don\u2019t disrupt Lisa\u2019s schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n
The list was a work of art by the time I finished. Undoubtedly a logistical and expensive headache, but nevertheless a masterwork. It was a wake-up call as much as a counterattack.<\/p>\n
I completed printing it, placed it neatly on the kitchen counter, and bided my time until Jake returned home. He was feeling quite well when he finally came through the door that evening.<\/p>\n
He shouted out, \u201cHey, babe,\u201d and dropped his keys on the counter. He almost instantly noticed the paper. \u201cWhat\u2019s this?\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched him pick it up, trying not to chuckle, but maintaining a neutral expression on my face. \u201cOh, it\u2019s just a little list I put together for you,\u201d I said affectionately, \u201cto help you become the best husband ever.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jake laughed, assuming that I was joining in on his little game. But the smile faded as he skimmed the first few sentences. He was slowly realizing that this wasn\u2019t the lighthearted joke he thought it was, and I could see the wheels spinning in his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait\u2026 what is all this?\u201d His eyes widened at the overall sum as he stared at the figures. \u201cA personal trainer for $1,200? $700 for groceries a month? Lisa, what the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n
I crossed my arms and leaned on the kitchen island.<\/p>\n
You want me to get up at five in the morning, go to the gym, prepare delectable breakfasts, clean the house, prepare dinner, and greet your guests. I reasoned that we ought to set aside money for everything. Do you agree?<\/p>\n
As he turned the pages, his face went pale. $75,000 annually? You\u2019re leaving your position?<\/p>\n
I gave a shrug. \u201cHow else am I meant to adhere to your plan? I\u2019m not able to work and be the ideal wife, am I?<\/p>\n
Perplexed, he gazed at the article.<\/p>\n
He was suddenly struck by the magnitude and the ridiculousness of his own demands. His arrogance vanished, to be replaced with the dawning understanding that he had made a grave mistake.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2026 I didn\u2019t mean\u2026\u201d Jake stumbled and gave me a confused look. \u201cLisa, I apologize for the way things turned out. I had this thought:\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you think? That like a project, I could \u2018better\u2019 myself?\u201d Though I spoke calmly, there was genuine hurt in my voice. \u201cLists and routines aren\u2019t what marriage is about, Jake. Respect is at issue. And you will pay far more than what\u2019s written on that document if you ever try to \u2018fix\u2019 me in this way again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Thick and uneasy silence hovered in the air. With a heavy sigh, Jake\u2019s shoulders slumped and his expression softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI apologize,\u201d he muttered. \u201cI was unaware of how absurd it was. Though Steve made it seem reasonable, I can now see that it\u2019s It is poisonous. Oh my goodness, what an idiot I was.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded as I closely observed him. \u201cYou have, indeed. Sincerely, did you look through Steve\u2019s life? Why do you think he is qualified to counsel you about marriage based on his life experience? or anything additional?\u201d<\/p>\n
The expression on his face when my words sank in was invaluable.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re accurate. Furthermore, he could never afford to live this way.\u201d With the back of his hand, he smacked the list. He is unaware of the expenses or the degrading nature of this. Oh Lisa, I think I overreached myself once more.\u201d<\/p>\n
Yes, but we\u2019ll bounce back. Let\u2019s now torn up that paper and return to equality.\u201d<\/p>\n
With a feeble smile, the stress slightly eased. \u201cYeah\u2026 let\u2019s do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt like we were back on the same team for the first time in weeks as we tore through the list together.<\/p>\n
Perhaps this served as the reminder that being in a marriage doesn\u2019t include one partner being \u201cbetter\u201d than the other. It is about working well as a team.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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